Iran Unveils Nuclear Project

After years of of fear regarding Iran's nuclear program, all those fears have been a waste of our time after President Ahmadinejad finally disclosed what was being developed in his facilities.

"What we have to show the UN council is something that we believe will help the entire world. I reveal to you all tonight... the long range nuclear food cooker! With this amazing device, all you need to do is, no matter where you are, what you need to do is turn to where you think your house in relation to you. Be it north, south, or east, west, the Nukem Long Range Cooker will meet your needs!"

Later, Ahmadinejad presented the UN with a promotional video of his product.

"The 'Nukem Long Range Cooker' is so simple to use, just insert a new rod of plutonium... like this, then point and aim at your house. Look at what happens in the kitchen as the 'Nukem' is activated!"

A clip from inside the targeted house shows the audience the interior of a kitchen as a refrigerator starts to melt.

NFL Gives Hires Blind Man as Referee

After last nights game, the Packers versus the Seahawks, a horrible secret about the NFLs hiring practices were revealed.

It came down to the final play, the ball was passed, as it made a beeline for the endzone the crowded went silent.

"As replays would show, Green Bay defensive back M.D. Jennings got two hands on the ball and pulled it to his chest as he fell to the ground. Seattle receiver Golden Tate had one arm on the pass, but clearly did not have control of the ball."

Read more: http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/09/25/watch-that-packers-seahawks-monday-night-football-touchdown/#ixzz27VFZnXBA

Two referees ran towards the two players, one of the refs who would later call a touchdown was seen rapidly tapping a long stick in front of him as he ran. Reports from the crowd allegedly saw the refs stick poke out one of benchwarmer Sean Eagleman eyes out as he kept on running. Sean Eagleman is the official benchwarmer for the Packers. Fans have no idea why Eagleman was on the fields seeing as he has never once stepped foot on the green even during practice.

The first ref on the scene called it an incomplete pass, while the ref who had just jabbed Eaglemen's eye out called a touchdown. The play was intensively scrutinized after a review was called. Sadly, in the end, the review officials came to the conclusion that the Seahawks touchdown would stand. 

After the stadium had cleared out and the crowds had vacated the premise, Eagleman went to the review officials to complain and ask for medical attention.

"My eye is dangling on my cheek, isn't it? I went and talked to the officials about my eye. When I walked to the office the door was open a crack and I could hear shouting from inside. I stood there and listened to what I can only describe as a "WTF" moment."

"Roger, what if the public finds out about our hiring practices for referees! I told you we were only supposed to have our blind referees step in if the other referees were to be killed by a football."

The player told us that the referee that had called the touchdown was in fact blind.

"He put my eye out with his walking cane, what the hell was he doing on the field!"

Earlier today, CNN correspondents approached the officials, indicating that the secret was out.

"We have no comment other than blind people deserve jobs too, affirmative action assholes"

A dog in referee clothing ran and hid as soon as he saw the CNN camera crew.

SCANDAL!

Touchdown!

Satire Sanity News Corp

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Kanye West Exposed Secret Society Member or Not?

Kanye West Interrupting VMAs.

Kanye West has recently found himself in the spotlight after getting caught initiating a new member into his secret society. Witnesses claim they saw Kanye and another man through a window at the front of the house.

A man, who asked not to be identified spoke to reporters about the incident.

"I was peeping into windows like I normally do when I saw West and this other man. There were candles on the floor and a large stage at the end of the living room."

Part of the initiation involved getting up on the stage, receiving an award only to get interrupted by Kanye West claiming that the 'Best Female Video' should go to him.

"The real winner of this award is me, me and my teeth."

Taylor Swift was quick to condemn Kanye and his secret society.

"The thought that Kanye was trying to initiate me at the VMAs, that's just gross."

Members of the infamous group suspected of robbing celebrities, the "Bling Ring', gave a statement.

"After breaking into Kanye's house last night, we started bagging our loot when our newest member, Taylor Swift found a wig fashioned after her own hair."

Kanye with cross-dressing role model Jay-Z

"I was even more deeply disturbed after I found that wig. Kanye had a whole wardrobe filled with clothing fashioned after mine. His vanity had my brand of makeup all over it. Fake eyelashes, white paste to cover his dark skin color and even a pair of Jimmy Choos that someone stole from the womens dressing room at my studio. I even found a voice modulator engineered to mimic my voice when used. Suffice to say, Kanye is more into dressing like a drag queen then being a member of a secret society." 

After this discovery, the "Bling Ring" became suspicious of Taylor Swift.

"At this point, after seeing all the things Kanye was using to look like Taylor, how can we be sure that the Taylor we brought with us isn't Kanye himself?"

The window peeper whispered from a bush:

"She hasn't interrupted you yet has she, so obviously not Kanye."

Kanye West, you can rest easy tonight. No one thinks you are part of a secret society. Oh and your eyeliner is running.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Republican Party Attacks UFC

The Republican party recently condemned the UFC after several homophobic congressmen complained about the body contact of the UFC fighters.

"The near nakedness of the participants combined with the full body contact in the ring just offends me. The way they straddle each other just reeks of homosexual overtones."

Larry Craig, former US politician who was caught trying to solicit a police officer took the stage after watching the latest UFC match.

"It offends me to see such blatant contact in the rings. After I was falsely accused of trying to solicit a police officer, this show only increases my insecurity."

UFC fighters released a statement after the story hit the headlines.

"Don't get us wrong, we dislike the homoerotic situations that occur in the ring. We too are insecure about this contact. We have appealed to the organizers of UFC, demanding that we be allowed to wear full-body suits to remedy our insecurity."

The suits suggested would have done nothing in the realm of modesty. If anything, the suits would be even more revealing then the short the fighters wear in the ring.

Several fighters felt the need to release a statement confirming their heterosexuality.

"We are not gay."

Thank you, but we didn't ask.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

• Is MMA and UFC a Sport or Authorized Violence ?

Ohio Woman Happy She Did Not Unknowingly Marry Brother

After first learning the truth about her marriage with her deceased husband, revealed as her biological father, Valerie Spruill was able to bring positive light to the subject.

"While I did accidentally marry my father, I must be happy that I did not accidentally marry my brother."

Valerie never met her father while she was a child. She was separated from her biological family at a young age. Valerie believes that when she met her father as a young woman, neither of them had any knowledge of the relation.

Tiny Homes Hit the Big City

Just in from CNN is the following report.

Tiny Homes Hit the Big City

CNN failed to report the truth on this article. Only we here at Satire Sanity have learned to read between the lines.

An airline pilot for American Airlines reported see dozens of tiny homes lifting off of their foundations.

"The homes flew through the sky towards downtown Chicago. I watched in horror as the tiny ghetto homes flew right into the Sears Tower, bursting into wooden shrapnel."

The homes did very little damage to the tower as they were in pitiful shape to begin with.

 The FBI is investigating the rise of suicide rates rampant in tiny ghetto homes across America.

The last known report of a flying house was during the filming of the Wizard of Oz. The home in question killed a woman while leading it's infamous witch hunt. No charges were ever filed against the Kansas home.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Related articles

• Excessive Flatulence Causes 50,000 Dollars Damage to Chicago Home
• Tiny homes hit the big city

Mishap After Shuttle Endeavor Flies Over Los Angeles

During what was was called the Space Shuttle Endeavor's "Victory Lap", thousands of people witnessed as a bird landed on top of the shuttle causing the shuttle to shimmer and ripple in the air.

"For a second there, it looked like an alien spacecraft, it was like the image of the shuttle wavered for a second."

"The bird disturbed what appeared to be a hologram."

A deep green spacecraft was momentarily seen by the public, causing mass panic as the realization that aliens truly existed wracked their minds.

"I can't believe the government thought it was wise to transport a distinctly alien vessel camouflaged as a space shuttle. Are we helping the aliens or did we find this spacecraft?"

A representative at NASA released the following statement.

"We believe that an anomaly occurred in the atmosphere, momentarily making the Shuttle Endeavor appear as something other than it was. It was an optical illusion caused by reflection of sunlight off of a previously unknown layer of the atmosphere. We must stress that their are no aliens. Out of all the trillions of stars out there, are we unreasonable to assume we are the only species in the universe? No, we are not unreasonable."

Many photos were taken of this odd "phenomena", but because the government ONLY wants to makes us feel safe, the FBI has been detaining anyone with the photos. They are not destroying the pictures because they are real, but to protect us feeble-minded citizens from believing otherwise.

Know that you are safe America, would the government ever lie to you?  

Man Refuses To Obey Stop Sign, Says Octogon Never Taught In Preschool

Police arrested a heavyset man today after they reportedly saw him run through every stop sign in town. Police tell us that the fat man in question has a relatively low IQ, slightly higher than his shoe size and is ignorant of many things that require logical thinking.

"The defendant claims that stop signs mean nothing to him. His lawyer is not letting us near the obese bag of flesh so we do not know why the defendant couldn't possible recognize the stop sign."

The police are also confused as to why the fat man needed a lawyer as they where only handing him a traffic ticket.

After repeated attempts to get in contact with defendant, we stalked the heavyset man through town until he stopped at the local McDonald's. Our undercover reporter, Daniel, entered the store in an attempt to speak to the fat fool. After the fat man ordered 5 big macs and a 4 large fries our reporter approached the mass of blubber with a large fry as bait.

"I was never taught about that shape on the stop sign as a fat child. In fact, they only taught us circle and square. I hear there are more shapes but that's where I stop knowing stuff."

According to Peter Griffin's slightly more mentally challenged brother, his ignorance excused him from traffic laws.

"Whatever shape is on the stop sign, if I don't know it how am I supposed to react."

The fat man's lawyer later appealed to the judge that his client be considered medically stupid with complications stemming from McDonald's.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

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Excessive Flatulence Causes 50,000 Dollars Damage to Chicago Home

The fire department was called after smoke was allegedly seen coming from a home in the Chicago area. Witness say they saw what appeared to be a large green cloud rolling out of the back of the two story house.

"At first I could smell it. It was extremely foul, but after a few minutes of searching for the source, my sense of smell shutdown."

"We were walking in the neighborhood when we saw green smoke rolling out of a house. It smelled like death, freshly cooked bird, and melting metal."

When the fire department arrived on the scene, the residents of the home were seen fleeing their residence.

After the situation was assessed and under control the fire chief approached our camera team and made a statement.

"Luckily everyone made it out alive. They suffered minor injuries to their sense of smell but are otherwise alright. The only loss of life apparent was that of a flock of geese who flew through the smoke cloud. They dropped dead almost immediately."

Chicago's city manager released a statement blaming the sewer system.

"The sorry state of our sewer is to blame. After the upstairs toilet was flushed, a reaction occurred in the piping. The toilet began expelling methane gas. This led to the toilet melting through the floor and ultimately destroying several sections of the house and it's foundation."

Safety experts began putting out fliers pleading with homeowners to buy methane detectors.

"If your bowel movements can cause such horrible reactions, it is better to be safe than sorry. Installing a methane detector in your home's bathroom can alert you before you flush a potentially toxic bowel movement. Help us save lives."

The homeowners stated that no one in the house has toxic bowel movements.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

New York Native Dives Into Pile Of Adult Videos To Collect Data

Kimberly Matthews is attempting a feat that no one has attempted before.

After a local adult bookstore reported that their warehouse full of precariously stacked adult videos collapsed onto the factory floor, Kimberly's interest was sparked.

"I have been informed that the naughty videos add up to over a million. That makes a very large pile. It gives me a chance to investigate a scientific question, do adult films weigh more than normal DVDs?"

The bookstore agreed to the experiment on the condition that Kimberly does not open any of the cases.

Today after the warehouse opened, Kimberly was seen readying herself for the experiment. We took notice of a large oxygen tank, a box of Trojans, baby wipes, and a small household scale.

We watched in awe as Kimberly climb the nearest shelf, about twenty feet of the ground. The warehouse staff held their breath as she elegantly dived into the pile. After about thirty minutes of horrible adult film music, the pile began to shift. After an hour or so, the technician on the site declared that Matthews oxygen tank would soon be depleted. The warehouse crew began to clear the DVDs away carefully. As they cleared, parts of Kimberly were uncovered. She was in a sorry state.

Paramedics appeared on the scene and began to attempt resuscitation. After a few minutes of this treatment Kimberly came to.

"The weight of the DVDs almost overwhelmed me. I would have thought they would have weighed no more than worthless fluff. It was like each DVD was playing in my head. But I have discovered something very important, adult videos are hazardous to your health."

When asked if the videos weigh more than an average pile of normal movies Kimberly informed us that she had yet to test the weight of normal DVDs.

"As to if I will do the next experiment, I think I will need time to recuperate. I believe that DVDs like 'The Godfather' and other great movies of the past will weigh much more, crappy films like 'I Am Number 4' and the box set 'Heroes' should weigh significantly less."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Teen Charged With Attempting To Blow Bubbles At Chicago Bar

Adel Daoub was charged yesterday for allegedly blowing bubbles at a local Chicago bar. City law enforcement claims that a call came in after Mr. Daoub was caught blowing bubbles inside a reputable Chicago bar.

"We were disturbed when we arrived on the scene. The man in question was blowing bubbles very close to the bar's ornate wallpaper. The owner feared for his life as the bubble came in contact with the expensive wall coverings."

Owner Steve Edwards was interviewed later at the police station.

"The jerk was trying to destroy the wallpaper. I feared for my life, what if he turned his bubbles on me?"

Adel Daoub was charged with possession of a bubble blower of mass destruction and for attempting to damage and destroy priceless wallpaper with damaging bubbles. He is currently being held on a 10 million dollar bond.

Thousands of 'Striking' Teachers Rally In Chicago

Thousands of striking teachers rally today in Chicago. After getting denied by the city a permit for their annual 'Striking Teachers Bikini Parade', thousands of beautiful teachers flocked to the streets to hold the event anyway.

Reverend Jesse Jackson was one of several speakers who spoke today at the the event.

"This is a protest held by several gorgeous teachers of Chicago. The leaders of this rally are tired of being treated wrongly by school officials."

The board of education denounced the parade as a distraction for thousands of school children.

"We neither condone nor support this rally. We will maintain our policy of treating these teachers as ugly individuals."

Many residents across the nation believe this a true turning point for beautiful teachers across the nation.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Stupid People Strike Again: Planet X as Mayan Homeworld

Because I am a nice guy, and never quick to judge people, I often have conversations with stupid people. In truth, stupid people try starting conversations with me. So I decided to interview a man after he attempted to lower my IQ with his meaningless babble.

"I really want to go online and register to use one of those public telescopes."

I was intrigued that the person in front of me would rather do something constructive rather than chop logs and talk about their favorite beer.

"Every 250 thousand years, planet X passes through Earths orbit"

People Who Inappropriately Use Bathtubs as Waste Recepticle Introduced to Alternatives

This afternoon we bring you some charitable news from our local medical clinic. The clinic, "Basic Humanity Clinic and Prevention Care" held an event earlier this morning. Accurately called the Humanity Fair, this event was sponsored by Doctor Phil after he encountered an odd epidemic on his show.

"Unknown to me, a rapid trend or a widespread epidemic has taken the world by force. More and more individuals are forgetting how to properly go to the bathroom. Many of these people admit that the potty training they received as toddlers was forgotten as they reached their late 40s."

A Brief Interviews of Stupid People

After our previous interview with a man proud of his third grade education, found here, we decide to go out and interview random people on the street.

Our first interview was with a obvious bum name Thad.

Interviewer: So what can you tell us about your time in the city?

Thad: Well, I have had to stop wearing my backpack.

Interviewer: Why? I wear a backpack all the time?

Thad: Every time I go into the library or a store, I am always asked to open my backpack up so they can see inside. The must think I am stealing books or something.

Interviewer: Well, you do look like a serious hobo. People probably think you would steal anything but a toothbrush. Thanks for your time.


We then targeted a man who shined with ignorance.

Interviewer: What do you think about President Obama?

Ignorant Guy: I hate him and his Obamacare.

Interviewer: Why do you hate Obamacare? You do know that you are covered by it, you should qualify easily, most ignorant people do.

Ignorant Guy: Well, I hate Obama cause he is stupid, and I hate Obamacare because he wants to fine me for not getting insurance.

Interviewer: I think the reason behind the mandate was so that as many citizens as possible receive care. The more people receiving preventative care, the healthier the nation will become. It is the people who who don't have healthcare that get ill more often than those who do. And when they get ill, they spread it to others rapidly.

Ignorant Guy: I don't care about any of that, I should have the freedom to say "no"!

Interviewer: So then why aren't you complaining about liability insurance on your car? That is mandatory as well.

Ignorant Guy: That's normal, healthcare is not. Liability insurance if for wimps anyway. I'll never get caught.

We watched Mr. Ignorant walk to his car while drinking from a large bottle of vodka.

It seems that this last man interviewed has no brain to justify mention.


Our last interview of the day came from a lady layered in expensive clothing.

Interviewer: You look well off, what complaints do you have about this country?

Rich Woman: I am mad that Obama Hussein wants to raise taxes on the rich.

Interviewer: Why do you use his middle name? Most people just say his first and last name.

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS wants us to call him that so we never forget he is a Muslim tourist.

Interviewer: You mean a terrorist but I have one more question for you. If the middle class has to pay, let us use an arbitrary number, 15 percent, why should those in the upper 2 percent of the tax bracket have to pay a smaller percentage? If they pay 15 percent should you not also pay the same percentage.

Rich Woman: Hell no, if 15 percent of the average middle class family is about 10 thousand a year, us rich people should have to only pay about 10 thousand year. How is anything fair.

Interviewer: Tax is applied to every dollar you make, therefore if you make 10 million a year you would have to pay a lot more than the average american. How is that wrong?

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS says that it is wrong.

That ended our interviews for the day.

Man Accused Of Reverse-Shoplifting

Yesterday, at the local JC Pennys, a man was taken into custody for allegedly "reverse-shoplifting". According to the police report, a store associate called the deputies to the store after she witnessed a man opening his backpack and placing what appeared to be his own clothing on the racks.

"He had put tags on the clothing as if it belonged to us."

After the man was taken in to custody he was interviewed by police about what had occurred at the store.

"I was only trying to help JC Pennys out a bit. I mean, have you seen their clothing selections? Horrible! I figured they could use some good looking fashionable clothing on their racks for a change."

The police later revealed to us that this man had a long list of reverse-shoplifting charges.

"Just last week, I responded to a police call from a hair salon. The hair salon that was affected refuses to carry Bed Head products. The defendant went to a nearby hair salon and bought their entire stock of Bed Head including the stand it came on."

According to the hair salon affected by this bout of "reverse-shoplifting", the defendant then stealthily placed the stand and the Bed Head hair products in their shop.

"We were appalled that someone would attack our business in such a disrespectful way!"

After the defendant was release from jail on the JC Pennys case, he was spotted at a local diner taking tips off of one table and placing them on a table somewhere else in the place.

"Since there is technically no law that bans such practices, we have no choice but the release this horrible criminal after a seventy-two hour period."

A manager at the local thrift store, unlike the shops in question, sided with the criminal on this subject.

"We are strong supporters of 'reverse-shoplifting'. If only he would do that here. We are in dire need of fashionable clothing, and we hardly ever get unopened bottles of Bed Head. Quit harassing such an innocent man."

Stupid Person Doesn't Like People Who Graduated High School

This insanely boring news was brought to our attention here at SatireSanity News Corp. only a few hours ago. A man by the name of Butch was approached by our star reporter, Daniel H, after a commotion occurred outside of a local high school.

When our reporter approached the high school he was hit by a wave of stupidity, radiating from a distinctly ignorant look man-child. He was able to ask Butch a few questions about his protesting outside of the school.

Man still unsure zombies are real.

A man from Fargo, North Dakota is still unsure if zombies are real. After an intense discussion with the city council, he believes that the only way to be safe, one way or another, zombies being real or not, is to barricade the town and hold all visitors in quarantine.

Roz Bombie, head of the city council thinks the suggestion is ridiculous, pointing out that the "zombie" in question was alive during the attack.

The man who suggested the new law, Moe Ofereaxsalot claimed that even if it was a myth, it would protect us in the future when he claims the government will begin trying to reanimate corpses.

The Jar Speaks Out

According to our correspondent, an event occurred at the Dorothy Day Hospitality House in Moorhead, Minnesota. The police were called to the house for what can only be described  as a horrendous crime, a true invasion of privacy.