Scientists Discover New Way to Enjoy Television

Years of Research Finally Pay Off

Scientists at CERN have finally found the answer to an issue that has plagued television users for decades. After almost 30 years of research and the tireless work of the brightest minds, mankind has discovered how to make T.V. more entertaining than anyone had imagined.

Many of the researchers involved had already utilized this skill in their own living room, while sitting on a couch, eating enough food to feed an elephant. After several hours and several angry phone calls from the appropriate supervisor, one of the scientist was coaxed out of his home with what had once been extinct, a lovely golden Twinkie.

“After calculating the average weight of the avid television watcher and multiplying that by the amount of beer, on average consumed in a year’s time, we finally had a lead. For year’s people who sent us letters asking for our help touched our hearts and drove us onward. Many of these letters had spilled tears and loose cookie crumbs contained lovingly for our enjoyment.”

God Makes a Rare Appearance

God Doesn’t Like Onions, Most News Outlets Speechless but Satire Sanity Has the Scoop

The Almighty Creator landed in Times Square this afternoon causing shock and panic amongst thousands. A rare appearance from God was certainly not on anyone’s schedule for today, but not many people thought it wise to point this out to Him.

After spending a few hours shopping, sporting a brand new white robe, God the Father was seen entering a local diner for a bite to eat. Everything seemed peaceful until shortly after God received his meal. A pillar of fire materialized in the sky over the diner, striking the table at which He was sitting.

“I saw the whole thing!” one eyewitness was recorded saying. “The waitress served him a burger. He took one bite and that’s when it happened.”

Several onlookers reported the pillar of fire burning the table and burger to ash. The manager of the diner reportedly offered God a refund but He refused politely before reminding the woman to tithe next Sunday. Exiting the building, our camera crew arrived just in time to see the Lord walk swiftly to a nearby hot dog stand for a beef frank. Our news crew finally managed to put on enough sunglasses to look directly at Him.

“Um… God… I was wondering if you could comment about the pillar of fire seen just a few moments ago.”

Casually wiping ketchup off of His new white robes God approached the microphone.

“I knew I should have never created onions, such nasty things. Who knew such a nice waitress could get my order wrong.”

The waitress was later fired after God sent a complaint to the diner’s owner.

Evidently God Almighty doesn’t eat his onions. Woe to those who feed onions to the Lord Thy God.

--

Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Font Designer Fired After Smoking Pot

New Computer Font Accidentally Created

Microsoft recently fired one of their most prestigious font designers after alleged drug use began to interfere with his work. The former employee was in the process of designing several new fonts, many with specifically aimed purposes. Of his most anticipated designs, MS Deli, specifically crafted for Deli ads and MS DriHuumor, dedicated solely for late night satire based, comedy scripts.

Upper management of the font design department declined to comment but other employees were easily swayed to share what they knew. The designer was a talent man with a taste for gardening.

“He was always so giddy, talking about his plants, if he should make some of his new fonts overly bold or italicized. He was good at his job but his only mistake that I ever seen him commit was career ending.”

The creative pot-head had been working on a new font that was based off of one already in circulation.

Baby Panda Cub Passes Away, Was Joy While Alive

                                                                           Panda cub dies at Smithsonian's National Zoo

CNN broke the news after a week old baby panda died today.

"The panda knew this was coming. He insisted that he wanted no treatment for his condition, pointing out that the circle of life was to be respected."

"I want my mommy to be happy. With my death, another baby panda will have a chance at life. For every death there is new life."

The panda's attorney was seen counselling his client about his wealth and how the panda wanted it disbursed after his death.

"My client expressed his desire that all his incredible wealth of bamboo shoots go to a good cause. A good portion will be left to his mother and father. The remainder will be donated to a charity of his choice."

The baby panda's mother, Mei Xiang, was tearful when she was asked for a statement.

"He is the joy of my life. It is hard to see him go. He wants to donate his organs as a final gift to some needy panda baby. It breaks my heart that he signed that 'Do Not Resuscitate' order."

Make a Wish foundation took the baby panda to Disney Land so that that he could enjoy his last days.

"I was really excited when I met Mickey Mouse. He gave me a big hug, he almost squished me, as I am only about the size of a stick of butter."

Today as the baby panda came close to death, his mother was heard singing the theme song from Dumbo, 'Baby Mine' as the little cub made his last heartwarming smile as he peacefully left this world.

Rest in peace little panda. You filled our lives with joy in the short time you were with us.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012


WPV9QZ65AAMX

Related articles

• Panda cub dies at Smithsonian's National Zoo
• Washington mourns panda cub death
• Week-old panda cub dies of unknown cause at National Zoo

Mishap After Shuttle Endeavor Flies Over Los Angeles

During what was was called the Space Shuttle Endeavor's "Victory Lap", thousands of people witnessed as a bird landed on top of the shuttle causing the shuttle to shimmer and ripple in the air.

"For a second there, it looked like an alien spacecraft, it was like the image of the shuttle wavered for a second."

"The bird disturbed what appeared to be a hologram."

A deep green spacecraft was momentarily seen by the public, causing mass panic as the realization that aliens truly existed wracked their minds.

"I can't believe the government thought it was wise to transport a distinctly alien vessel camouflaged as a space shuttle. Are we helping the aliens or did we find this spacecraft?"

A representative at NASA released the following statement.

"We believe that an anomaly occurred in the atmosphere, momentarily making the Shuttle Endeavor appear as something other than it was. It was an optical illusion caused by reflection of sunlight off of a previously unknown layer of the atmosphere. We must stress that their are no aliens. Out of all the trillions of stars out there, are we unreasonable to assume we are the only species in the universe? No, we are not unreasonable."

Many photos were taken of this odd "phenomena", but because the government ONLY wants to makes us feel safe, the FBI has been detaining anyone with the photos. They are not destroying the pictures because they are real, but to protect us feeble-minded citizens from believing otherwise.

Know that you are safe America, would the government ever lie to you?  

WebRing.com Has No Respect For It's Members

WebRing has recently come under fire from enraged bloggers, claiming that WebRing is adding unauthorized content to their sites.

"I went to my blog this morning and my page was in chaos. The navigation bar that WebRing requires on member sites had been altered from it's vertical view in the left sidebar to a horizontal view that stretched over my blog content."

"Unauthorized by me, WebRing has added this 'Power Surf Bar' at the bottom of my blog. Not only does this require redirecting my blog viewers to a WebRing server, but it messes with the code in my navigation bar."

Heidi Heitkamp Guilty of Singing a Different Tune

Heidi Heitkamp is running for a U.S congress position, against Rick "Lettuce" Berg. Heidi has always been well known for singing songs while on the campaign tour. Last night, she was interviewed on MSNBC by well known host, Rachael Maddow. During the interview, Heidi was caught singing the newest hit song by Justin Bieber, "Boyfriend".

After the interview, Heidi's rival, Rick "Lettuce" Berg released a statement.

"I am very disappointed with Heidi. She is singing a different tune, she is clearly pulling a fast one on the voters."

Rick "Lettuce" Berg's office later issued a complaint about Heidi's change of tune.

"Heidi gained support last year after she was caught singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Combined with her talented voice and her song of choice, Heidi won the support of many. Yesterdays change of tune shows us the real Heidi. If elected, she will sing Justin Bieber songs instead of fighting to lower taxes and abolish Obamacare."

Heidi Heitkamp denounced the complaint as "frivolous" pointing out that Rick "Lettuce Berg had changed from singing church hymns to blatantly singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".

"If anyone should be under suspicion, it should be Berg. He is using Lady Gaga's song to justify his arrogance and lack of respect for social issues."

Debates on this subject have caught the internet in a wild fire.

Can you guess what we are singing here at the office?

Please stay tuned for any changes in the candidates singing choices.
 

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.