Saturday, October 6, 2012

Satan clinically depressed, coughing not what it once was

Good looking man summoning Satan
Earlier this morning at a board meeting at the Cadbury Corporate Headquarters, which is also known for making Halls cough drops, a top executive was reprimanded for covering his mouth during a cough.

The CEO of Cadbury, Todd Stitzer, who as a well known weirdo, was very by the covering of mouth incident.

"Covering ones mouth can be traced back to ancient times. Back when men openly communed with the Devil. Back then, coughing was seen as a way to release evil spirits, removing them from the soul. The act of covering your mouth was a salute to Satan, calling on him to join you at your table. It is very bad."

A man, Mr. Satan Alexander Devil, called the station later to confirm the matter.

"It is always depressing when people cover their mouth. They just don't realize the effect it has on me. It's like they just rang my version of a telephone. It's like those phone calls you get when someone misdials your phone. A person like me, red, scary looking with a tale, never really gets a call from a friend. No one ever calls and says 'Hey Satan, want to hang out?' or 'What's up Satan, my best friend in the whole wide world.' Just the same thing everyday, my new smartphone ringing nonstop. Everybody hates me. Now that bin Laden lives next door to me, I really don't use my phone much for anything other than dirty movies, music and the occasional tweet."

Verizon, Satan's carrier of choice has good things to say about Mr. Devil.

"Mr. Devil has been with us for a long time. He always pays his bills and he is always prompt to renew his contract every two years. Just last month he came into our store and bought a brand new Samsung Galaxy S 3. We even give him a special deal on his data allowance. He pays a standard fee of 100 hundred dollars month for his data plan seeing he uses so much data. He is a very big user fan of YouTube, often using 100 gigabytes or more a month."

Verizon also is planning on surprising Satan on his birthday next month when the company plans to build a 4G tower in hell, near Satan's condo.

Satan is having a rough time of it. He did say he was getting treatment but that it has yet to help much.

"My doctor, Jack Kevorkian has me on so many pills. From anti-depressants, to anti-anxiety drugs. He also keeps helping me commit suicide, but after every procedure, I just end up back here, down in hell again."

Mr. Satan was committed to a psychiatric hospital shortly after the phone call, but health professionals assure us that his new cocktail of medications should do the trick.

Please pray for Mister Satan Alexander Devil, he needs as much help as Mister Goddeus SkyDaddy Almighty can give.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

New Balance Designs Misleading Footwear

Boromir advocates smart shopping.
New Balance recently came out with a newly designed shoe. This new shoe is aimed mostly at marathon runners and the average leisurely runner who wishes to keep in shape.

The company donated 200 of their shoes to an upcoming marathon event being held to raise awareness for victims of crime and poverty. The marathon event was to span several states, starting in Minneapolis, Minnesota and ending in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

The event started off smoothly, with Betty White in the lead. It wasn't until the runners made it to Kansas that things began to go awry.

"We were producing coverage for the event, video taping the runners on their arduous trek. But as we entered Kansas, nothing seem to make sense anymore."

After several days of running, the camera team got the sneaking suspicion that they weren't in Kansas anymore.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

The cameramen were lost, having no way to identify where they were going.

"As long as we follow the runners we will be just fine."

One of the cameramen suggested someone text a friend and ask for directions.

"I had this really nice Samsung Galaxy S III. The texting is awesome. I even have 4g coverage right now."

The cameramen were really upset that one of them had forgotten to download Google Maps.

"We just got word that Betty White has made it to the finish line, the only one it seems."

After a few more days of wandering, one of the runners pointed out a "Welcome to Mexico" sign.

"Oklahomans love to play jokes, pretending like this is Mexico and all. Maybe we can find a good mexican restaurant!"

As we were traveling through what appeared to be hundreds of bushes, what one runner said they looked familiar.

"Those look like coca bushes. The make cocaine from it. Wonder who they belong to?"

The man looked around suspiciously as he wiped some white powder from his nostril.

The next morning, while continuing to traverse through lush fields of drugs, the convoy came across a very mean looking group of men. They were all holding Uzi's and a little way behind them was Sarah Palin holding a "Right to bear arms" sign.

"We were peacefully driving when a large militia of drug-lords overtook our runners. After searching a few of the men, they discovered a large amount of cocaine in their possession. Sarah Palin became involved upon this discovery.

"Dru'ugs are illegaal and unpatriotic to the flaag! Yur aul going to ja'el."

After determining they had no money, the men with Uzi's took all the New Balance shoes and began handing out narcotics anonymous pamphlets.

As it turned out, these were not cocaine traffickers but a radicalized team of a special D.A.R.E. operatives.

"After leaving Mexico, I am glad my life has been spared. They said I could live if in return I enter rehab when I get home."

The cameramen were later ashamed to find out that they could have downloaded Google Maps of the Google Play store.

New Balance issued a product recall after a large group of rich New York City teenage males found themselves in the middle of gang territory.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Justin Bieber Exposed, Lip-syncing Scandal

Last week, on stage, after being exposed as being bulimic, Justin Bieber made the headlines again today after a blooper on stage.

Halfway into his new song, 'Believe', the music skipped, literally. Justin was caught lip-syncing.

After begging the crowd to believe that his voice had just skipped a little, the fans began wondering if Justin Bieber was just a hot young man, rather than a hot young man who could sing.

After the story broke the on the nightly news, a little known figure, a native of Chernobyl, Russia, propelled to the forefront.

Around the world, audiences watched in silence as a young man from Russia, deformed at birth, took the center stage. With two extra sets eyes on his forehead and little midget twin dangling from his neck, not many people could believe what happened next.

The Russian native began to sing...

"Where would I be, if you, if you
If you didn't believe
Wouldn't know how it feels to
Touch the sky, if you didn't believe
Believe, believe

It didn't matter how many times I got knocked on the floor
You knew one day I would be standing tall
Just look at us now

Cause everything starts from something
But something would be nothing
Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me

Cause everything starts from something
But something would be nothing
Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me
Where would I be, if you didn't believe."

The shock was clear on the news channel. The weatherman and the sportsman were sobbing on the floor. This was the voice we had always known as Justin Bieber's.

Justin Bieber later made a statement to the claims that he had stolen the voice of a deformed guy.

"This mutant was obviously lip-syncing my song. I am the voice behind my music and I will always be the voice behind my music.

Oh and despite what Satire Sanity News reported the other day, I am not bulimic and my mother never made a statement to that effect."


In other news, plastic surgeons and makeup artists board flights to Russia to make the real voice behind the music even hotter than Justin himself.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Friday, October 5, 2012

Presidential Debate Comes Down To Favorite Color

Presidential debate moderator loses her temper.
At last nights debate, between President Obama and former tax evader Mitt Romney, much was said and many lies to spoken.

Miss Piggy (a friend of Big Bird),the moderator for the debate, after an hour of being ignored, walked up to the podiums and backhanded them. After returning to her post, Miss Piggy asked them the most important question, a question that would solve the question of who to elect once and for all.

"What would you say is your favorite color? Romney, you may answer first."

After ten minutes of scratching his head, Romney cleared his throat.

"What was the question again?"

Miss Piggy began to shake with rage.

"Hiiieeee YAAAA!"

A large makeup kit smashed into Mitt's face.


After Mitt Romney recovered from the blow he pulled out a little device, a device that would later be revealed by the camera as a 'lie creator'.

"My favorite color is green, like the planet where God lives, Kolob."

The President adjusted his suit coat and smiled.

"Romney says his favorite color is green, but when he was Governor he painted the governors mansion yellow. How do you explain that?

What is my favorite color? My favorite color is..."

Romney interrupted:

"What the President would like you to believe about clean energy is totally false. He tried to force a bill through congress three times. Three times! Three times he tried to change the term 'green energy' to 'red energy! AH HA!"

"Thank you for interrupting me FORMER GOVERNOR. My favorite color is blue, like the flag."

Miss Piggy removed herself from her seat and approached Mitt.

"Give me back my makeup case!"

As soon as the case returned to her hand she it chucked at Romney again. 

The debate was a success, or so MSNBC claimed.

"The color favored by the candidates will determine the election day results. Now we go to Chris Matthews reporting outside the local prostitute palace. What do you think was in Miss Piggy's makeup case..."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Limbless Woman Rolls Six Blocks to Nearest Bus Stop

Traffic stopped downtown today as onlookers watched an 22 year old limbless woman roll down the sidewalk.

When the police and fire rescue workers arrived on the scene they struggled to stop the woman. A police scanner was used to clock the woman's rate of rolling speed, estimating her to be rolling at an amazing speed of just over 65 miles per hour.

"The woman lost control of her speed when a strong north wind began to affect her roll."

The fire and rescue crew were forced to break a world record for building a temporary dam, in under 30 seconds they had erected a 5 foot tall wall of sandbags. The woman was stopped dead in her tracks, literally.

"We were able to stop her roll and resuscitate her. However, due to her impact on our world record breaking wall, her brain was ejected from her skull forcing us to duct tape it to the back of her neck."

After the police determined that she had not been fleeing arrest, the lady in question was asked what she was doing rolling down the street.

"I just had an appointment with my orthopedic doctor. A few years ago, I badly sprained the right stub of what used to be my leg. It never healed quite properly so I was forced to see the doctor."

The woman later stated that she was trying to get to the bus station 6 blocks south from the clinic.

The doctor, who had arrived on the scene after seeing the incident on the NASCAR channel affirmed what his patient had said.

"It was a horrible sprain! She was rolling down her stairs one day when she lost her footing, I mean nubbing. I was planning surgery to repair the damage."

The woman, who refused to give her name (she feared that her friends would recognize her on TV otherwise), the woman asked to be allowed a statement pointed at the bus administration.

"The bus people obviously think that the bus should stop at the local McDonalds instead in front of the clinic Who would ever need a ride from the orthopedic clinic (the bone doctor) that helps people who have pain getting around? I guess if you have your stomach full of fries you can't walk around very much, but a man with a broken leg should be able to walk just fine!

The policeman appeared extremely offended by the comment and later issued her a ticket for going ten miles over the speed limit.

"Discriminating against people who eat at McDonalds is wrong! What would she have me do instead? Eat something healthy or something? She is lucky I didn't arrest her for inciting violence towards fat people."


In other news, the local bus depot unveiled a new bus, the back-end of which is shaped like a bowling lane. The bus administration claims this will help people who have no limbs gain access to the bus.

"They roll on in, like a bowling ball, and when they get off we squeeze them throw a little hole and let them bounce on the ground before a nice warm fan removes the moisture from the stumps of their once healthy hands!"

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Mental Health Center Mistakenly Hires Professional Rapist

It came as a surprise to Lincoln Mental Health Center after a long time employee was arrested earlier today..

Doctor Psycho "The Rapist" Gonnarapeya, a reputable therapist was arrested after ten years worth of multiple rape reports against him were uncovered in the local police station's utility closet.

"We always thought it was a joke, a play on words. The word 'therapist' when separated spells out 'the-rapist'. How were we supposed to know these people had actually been raped?"

A spokesman for the local Rape and Abuse Center attacked the Lincoln Health Center for it's gross display of ignorance.

"These victims would come screaming out of Dr. Gonnarapeya's office. Often their clothing was either missing or in shreds. More than one showed signs of bruising and one victim in particular ran out of the office, bleeding profusely with a knife in his neck!"

The health center's administration was confused on how this could possibly happen.

"The occurrence with the blood and the knife happened around Halloween, we thought it was a costume!"

Many of the center's employees praised Ams Gonnarapeya for being a brilliant therapist.

"So many of the young boys he counseled were able to overcome their fears of being judged and openly identified themselves as gay or bisexual. He did a lot to boost their confidence."

Reports show that of the 2,400 teenage boys Gonnarapeya counseled, 99% of them later identified themselves as bisexual, homosexual or as straight men with gay experiences.

Investigations into Dr. Ams' criminal history found that he had three prior convictions for rape. We asked the psychiatric center how they could have possibly overlooked his criminal past.

"When I read his resume, he had both a masters and doctorate as a therapist. He seemed like a perfect professional therapist for the position!"

When our office received Doctor Gonnarapeya's resume we were shocked to see what the man had really written on his resume.

"Degrees: MBA, as the rapist, Doctorate, as the rapist

Professional Titles: the rapist, very professional

Bio: All my friends call me 'Psycho the Rapist'. It's a little joke we have between us. I am very good at what I do. I have had four prior experiences at being the rapist. I can promise you that you will not find anyone more qualified than me in this area. As the rapist, I am the best there is!"

The center's administrator was later diagnosed with dyslexia. She apologized profusely, stating that she always had suffered with dyslexia, often combining separate words as one.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012 

Homeowners association upset about colorless trees.

A local upstate New York man came under fire from his homeowners association yesterday after he fined for his trees not having colorful autumn leaves.

Bylaw 18 on a list of about 4 million other HOA bylaws states the following:

"18. Property owners under HOA control must ensure that the trees located on a tenants lawn be full of color during the fall season. If your trees do not display colorful yellow, orange and red leaves, you will need to dye the leaves in a realistic manner or you will be fined 50 dollars a day for noncompliance."

The owner of the property was unable to comply after the leaves on his trees fell early this season.

"I have no way of putting leaves back on my trees, not to mention the leaves were brown before they fell to the ground. This fine is outrageous as I cannot simply harness the power of nature to regrow all those leaves."

The HOA president, Alphonso Snoodyman had hard words for the homeowner.

"The resident has had ample time to shop at the local Hobby Lobby and buy artificial leaves of autumn colors. All this disrespectful criminal of a man had to do was tie each leaf individual to the trees and make them look natural!"

Alphonso Snoodyman made the local news last year after creating a new bylaw that stated that the snow in all the community's yards must be leveled off at 4 inches. Violators who did not bring their snow to the proper level, while keeping the process looking natural were fined and were forced into foreclosure.

A new bylaw is now in the works allowing the HOA to punish any disobedient residents by executing their firstborn child.

"This is necessary to ensure the beauty of our community."

I'm guessing the homeowners must then bleach the blood of the dead child out of the carpet or face heft fines?

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Justin Bieber Bulimic?

Valuable puke hits stage.
Today a video was released by MSNBC showing pop-star Justin Bieber puking on stage.

Manager Scooter Braun commented on the video.

"Justin had a lot on his plate earlier, some clam chowder, shrimp alfredo, ice cream and milk. The clam chowder may have been undercooked."

Some critics claim that Justin Bieber is fighting an eating disorder, concluding that Bieber is bulimic.

"The first step on the path of recovery for Justin is admitting he has bulimia. Some regular visits to BA, Bulimics Anonymous would help him out a lot."

Justin's mother, Pattie Mallette told us that this has been an ongoing struggle for Justin. At age 12, Justin reportedly weighed 500 pounds.

"He was such a big boy. He kept crushing the chairs in the house. One time he even broke one of the escalators at the Mall of America. That was when he became bulimic."

According to Justin's mom, forcing himself to puke on stage was a new development.

"I always knew he was puking backstage, but on stage, never!"

After the event on stage, Justin was forcibly admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for bulimia. Reports from the hospital state that they have had to superglue Justin's food to his stomach and restrain his fingers.

Ebay has reported that Justin Bieber's puke is selling for $1200 dollars an ounce. Only 4 ounces left!

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Just In! Being Straight is a Choice

Defend marriage, ban heterosexual marriage.
According to a popular organization in southern California being straight is a choice.

According to a popular reparative therapy program for straight men, the act of being straight is not something you are born with.

"We get thousands upon thousands of straight men each year seeking to change themselves."

Research shows that being straight is a mental disorder, most people are born inherently gay.

"We seek to help these men change their lifestyle. The hate and shame surrounding the heterosexual lifestyle is extreme. Places like Somalia and Iran punish straight men with death. Even as we speak, our government is creating a new law condemning straight sex. This is the most repugnant of sexual paraphilias."

Straight rights groups are in an uproar against the discrimination shown towards the heterosexual lifestyle.

"These people use the Bible to condemn us. God loves straight people just as much as gay people. Being straight is not a choice and we refuse to accept the common belief  in the world today."

Many people still remember the horrible crime committed against an openly straight man last year. Luke Sheepstealer was brutally beaten and left to die tied to a fence. The attackers, homosexual, are still at large and are reported to have killed several straight people in the area.

Fat Men Who Breath Heavily

Pollution from average fat mans house.
Reports fresh the EPA show that a new source of pollution has been recently been identified.

According to the report, fat men who breath heavily contribute much more carbon dioxide then the average human being.

"Winter is the worst time of the year for fat men to be breathing heavily. Without the leaves on the trees to convert that carbon dioxide into oxygen, certain sections of the north pole are become supersaturated with the pollutant."

Meteorologists across the country are forecasting temperatures in the north pole to spike into the upper 90s next week as the carbon dioxide concentration produces major greenhouse effects.

The FDA unveiled it's plan to regulate this new source of pollution by retrofitting the mouth and nostrils with carbon dioxide filters for fat men who breath heavily.

"We feel this is a good alternative then our original idea. Taxing fat men who breath heavily would likely garner much money at all as most spend all of their cash on Cheetos and the like."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Monday, October 1, 2012

Applebees takes the bee out.

Applebees has decided to retire a portion of their name. The CEO of the company claims that the name "Applebees" implies that the restaurant chain is infested with insects.

"Starting next week, all stores will shorten their name to 'Appleb' pronounce 'ap-leb'. This is done in part to not anger the corporate giant 'Apple Inc.' We will not be changing our menu and we have never included bees in our recipes."

On an other note, bees across America lined up to protest in front of Appleb's headquarters.

"Beez bu beez bee beez, bumble bee bee ee zee!"

Our translator was on the scene to interpret.

"This is a horrible decision, we demand to be recognized!"

Apple made a statement after the unveiling of the new name.

"We believe the Applebees' new name is on the border of legality. What if Applebees decided to come out with a phone? People would be confused when we unleash our new iPhone, the 'iPhone 6 - Still Using Last Years Technology Edition'.

We would however like to extend our hand in kindness, along with several hundred strings attached. If Applebees pays us five billion dollars annually, they may use our name. This is a generous offer and we hope their CEO agrees."

We were later told that Applebees employees would get a 1% off coupon for the 'iPhone 45 - The We Still Suck Edition'.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

New York Boasts First Pokemon Center

The first Pokemon Center has finally opened! With funding sources throughout the city of New York, construction has finally started!

While most are happy that they will have access to the center whenever they want to heal their Pokemon, the center's sole employee has another opinion.

"I can't believe this is happening. For 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I will be trapped behind a counter. With no food, drink or sleep, and without pay, where is a union when I need one."

Nurse Joy, a popular figure in the Pokemon world, is by far the most oppressed worker on the planet.

"The Pokemon government forces me into this occupation. If I didn't show up for work, they would kill me and my family. That is not to say I am close to my family. As I never come home from work, I never see them. They could be dead already. I never age while I stand behind my counter, it is a horrible life."

Research shows the horrible cruelty that Nurse Joy has suffered. At one time, Nurse Joy forgot to say her perfectly morbid line, "We hope to see you again", implying that she wished harm on your little Pokemon.

"It was so horrible, after years of saying 'We hope to see you again', my voice had just given out. When the Pokemon police found out I had not said my phrase, I was dragged out to the town square. There they beat me and dyed my hair cotton candy pink."

Nurse Joy as a Pokemon government citizen, has none of the protections provided by the United States. She will continue her horrible life at the new Pokemon center.

"You would be surprised how many times I have had an 'accident'. Since I cannot go to the bathroom, if there is actually even one here, I always soil myself. Several customers have complained that I ate their Pokemon when they weren't looking. A girl needs to eat."

As the interview came to a wrap, Nurse Joy shook my hand. As she walked away I noticed she had left a note in my hand.

"Please kill me!"

Apple Maps Clear Winner Over Google

The world of Apple maps.
Today employees at Apple detailed how their map service was superior to Google Maps.

Capital of Germany, Berlin, relocates to Antarctica
"People may say that Apple Maps is garbled and unable to pinpoint certain places. The fact of the matter is that Apple Maps shows the true form of the world. For instance, when you search for New York City, it marks a spot 500 miles north and 1,000 miles into the planet core. While that may seem like an error to most people, our conspiracy consultants tell us that we have been tricked into believing the New York is where we think it is."

"Google is part of the coverup. They know that New York City is not where they say it is. Apple's satellites show us the true setup of the planet."

When geographers questioned Apple Maps for depicting Russia adjacent to Sarah Palin's backyard, the woman herself had something to add to the controversy.

"I always said I could see Russia from my backyard. Thank God that Apple shows us the truth about our planet. If Apple says that Russia is in my backyard, I must concede that I have been indoctrinated to think Russia was across the ocean."

According to Apple Maps, Sarah Palin's house and the country of Russia are located in the inner core of the planet, otherwise known as hell.

When one uses Apple Maps to locate Apple itself, Apple appears to be located at the Sun. Or as Apple explains it, Apple is the sun.