Thursday, October 18, 2012

North Dakota Enforces "Sunday Law", Day of Rest

A homeless man was arrested last Sunday after breaking North Dakota's notorious "Sunday Law." This is a law that requires everyone to go to church and sleep upon returning home. North Dakota congressmen openly take satisfaction that they can break the First Amendment whenever they choose.

"I was laying down under my bridge like I always do on Sundays. Because of the "Sunday Law", none of the stores are open, not to mention public services like the hospital and the fire department."

The arresting officer, "Just Following Orders" Peterson, was cornered while hiding from us in a church pew.

"The law is very clear. Just laying down after church is unlawful. One must actually be sleeping. After watching the man breath for several minutes, I could tell that he was not sleeping but just closing his eyes. I also suspect that he did not attend church that day."

Local law enforcement is going over church data to discover if the homeless man registered for church service. North Dakota is the only state that requires churches to install scanners to verify who attended church and who did not.

A judge later set the homeless man's bond at one million dollars, citing gross disobedience of state laws regarding church attendance.

"The bond was set so high for a couple of reasons. How can I let him out of jail when it has been determined that he will refuse to go to church in the future? Not to mention that he is homeless and will most definitely not sleep during the daylight hours on Sunday. Why release him when he will just repeat his offense?"

North Dakota's governor expressed his love of the "Sunday Law."

"It is a fine example of how easy it is to create unconstitutional laws. Until someone stops us we will continue making laws to the contrary. I am planning on recommending a law stating that citizens can only attend Catholic church service. Anything other, like Lutheran and Baptist churches must respect 'Sunday Law'."

As of today, the state prosecutors are recommending a life sentence and excommunication for the homeless man.

"We feel we must make an example with this homeless man. If anyone ever thinks to go against the moral code of our senators and representative again, they will suffer greatly. This state will continue to respect the religion of Catholicism."

Those in favor of the sentence were quick to point out that the homeless man should feel lucky.

"He goes from living under a bridge to the assurance that he will always have a concrete ceiling over him."

North Dakota is currently in the process of creating a new law that would violate the 8th Amendment.

"No cruel and unusual punishment? Ha, this new law would let us do whatever we want when it comes to our citizens."

In other news, President Obama is currently planning a nuclear strike against North Dakota. The name of the nuke to be used, "Thomas Jefferson."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Fact: North Dakota has a "Sunday Law" that prohibits most businesses from opening before noon on Sundays. Car Dealerships are prohibited from opening at all on Sunday.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Town Hall "floor-mat" may favor Romney in Tuesday debate

Obama's campaign manager spoke to MSNBC last night on the advantages each of the candidates will possess during tomorrows debate.

"To start off, I find this to be unethical and unfair, the floor-mat Romney will be standing on offers him an overwhelming advantage."

According to extensive research done on the effects of Mormons standing on certain floor-mats, the individual's "magic Mormon underwear" would interact with it in an interesting way. The research shows that the "magic underwear" reacts with the floor-mat creating a magical aura of charisma.

"The magic that will be at work with Romney will be unstoppable. We are doing our best to remove all floor-mats, but if we do that, his magic underpants may react with the podium or some other overlooked object."

Obama has one advantage that may be useful. His ability to close his eyes, lower his head during a debate will give people the impression that he doesn't even need to argue what is so obvious. Or it may lead people to believe he is extremely tired and very talented at sleeping standing up.

The word on the streets is that Obama is posed to win due to his advantage.

"I know that I will vote for him. The appreciation he shows towards sleep is comforting. I love sleep, therefore I love Obama."

You can buy "Sleeping During Debates For Dummies" from your local bookstore for the low price of 29.99$. It also features an introduction written by Barrack Obama himself.

You can buy your own pair of "magic Mormon underwear" for the low price of joining a secretive cult and taking a holy pilgrimage to the holy planet of Kolob. Please see your local Mormon Temple of Doom for details.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Batman Threatens Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel said no to a Batman related baby name on Thursday. During a tweet talking in general about her popular engagement to repulsive, soo last decade slime-ball Justin Timberlake, a fan asked Biel about baby names.

"@JessicaBiel I would b very happy if u named ur 1st baby Batmo. #Batman is awsome!"

After adamantly refusing the idea, Biel made the news after a claim that she doesn't have the funds to pay for therapy for her child in the future.

On Friday Biel received a reply tweet filled with hateful and threatening words, from Twitter username @RealBatman.

"@JessicaBiel Srry 2 hear u wont use the name. Screw u & dont expect me 2 come runnin if u need savin! #asshole, #batmanisawesome!"

Police are investigating if the Twitter user @RealBatman is truly Bruce Wayne once again hiding behind his famous moniker.

Nancy Grace dedicated a portion of her show to address the @RealBatman versus @JessicaBiel issue.

"As far as I know, Batman is a rogue vigilante, a loose cannon. He takes the law into his own hands and never takes responsibility for his actions. Kind of reminds me of John Hancock, also a rogue crime fighting superman. We managed to put that psycho into prison, why not Batman?

Now, I would think much differently if Batman managed to capture Casey Anthony for me. I would love to put her in my torture chamber!"

Sources reveal that if Casey Anthony were to be placed in Nancy's torture dungeon, the murderess would be the first female to reside there.

Suze Orman, an internationally acclaimed financial expert, was quick to point out the flaw in Biel's claimed inability to afford therapy.

"How much money does she have in savings? Does she have retirement money set aside? How much debt does she own right now? For Pete's sake, she owns a yacht! Either that or I am getting confused with some other massively expensive item.

Let's see, she has been in several movies, hits like "Blade: Trinity" and many seasons of "7th Heaven." So if she's asking for permission to assume that she is unable to afford therapy for her yet to be conceived child...

Well here's my answer for Jessica...


Girlfriend, you have more than enough money to spare."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

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