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Lindsay Lohan reportedly started using crack again after her dreams of winning the award were crushed.
"I worked so hard this year to win it. I started using meth, I frowned a lot and Chris Brown punched me in the face repeatedly. If I don't look exhausted, who does?"
Kristen Stewart had nothing to say in regards to the award. It was revealed that she did not have the strength to activate her vocal cords after three straight weeks of screaming about how horrible and misunderstood her life was.
Robert Pattison in a rage of anger posted a sex tape showing the world how exhausting Kristen is really.
"She doesn't even have sex in this video! It was kinda like phone sex but without the phone and with all the meaningless words one can muster."
The CDC, Centers for Disease Control issued a statement that has all the pretty boys within one hundred miles of Stewart in a panic.
"Kristen Stewart exhibits all of the signs of a contagious form of exhaustion. Please be careful while viewing any of her films and make sure to burn it after wasting an hour of your life to the exhaustive acting."
The CDC also stated that a common and severe side effect of being near Stewart is evident when the victim shows signs of rapid aging and the appearance of what is usually confined to those who have been beaten severely with the 'ugly stick.'"
"Robert Pattison was once a very attractive young man. Now look at him! He looks like he could fall asleep on a campfire! And whoever told him he looked alright with facial hair?"
The US Surgeon General has decreed that Kristen Stewart be required to wear a label, quite similar to what you might find on a cigarette pack.
"Warning: May cause premature aging and lack of life."
Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012
