If You’re Going Through Hell, You’re Probably Screwed

Some Rights Reserved by QuotesEverlasting

Some people say “if you’re going through hell, keep on moving…”, “…cause you might get out before the Devil even knows you’re there.” Sadly, they are most likely wrong, probably leading you to gruesome death.

Ever since the Devil called ADT and had their newest security system installed, Hell has been increasingly more difficult to traverse. Tourists from across the world will find it nearly impossible to get through the fiery depths without being detected. Say goodbye to your mid-winter trip through the Abyss, you’re going to have to find another place to thaw your tired old bones.

Hell, until recently, was the home to some of the finest hotels and diners. Finding a tour guide was simple, with a couple candles and a cursed travel guide one could easily be transported to a demonic travel agent of their choice. Most visitors visited Hell to roast marshmallow in the fires of the Abyss, the fuel source of the fire, the burning of damned folk adding a very unique flavor.

Some travelers reportedly tried to sneak in while Satan was visiting elsewhere, but with ADT allowing customer to monitor their security system via smartphone, many were caught and found themselves as the main course for the weekly barbeque extravaganza. Some of the smaller visitors, hobbits and dwarves, were added to the Hell-renowned shrimp cocktail platter.

Hotwire.com announced that they would not be refunding any tickets to customers who had planned future trips to the Bottomless Pit stating that any trips to that destination had been clearly labeled as “potential dangerous” and “requiring SPF 666 to ensure survival.”

Google Maps, in an attempt to cheer up the public offered a virtual tour of Hell on their website. Features were added to make it more realistic, certain plug-ins being required to get full functionality.

1. An electric heater with USB connecter for 190.95
2. A buy one, get one free offer on a pound of human flesh, (designed to roast on separately sold heater), to simulate the aroma of Hell for 20.95
3. A CD of some random death metal band screaming incoherently for 10.99
4. Realistic cut-outs of demonic figures for free with an order of 50.00 dollars or more

When purchased altogether, Google reports that the virtual experience is almost indistinguishable from the real. Meanwhile, other more adventurous travel agencies have begun offering any thrill-seeking tourist’s groups of well armed ninjas for protection, arms not included.

“If you’re going through Hell, keep on moving, run freaking fast, if you’re scared run faster, cause you’re not getting out ‘cause the Devil’s got ADT.”

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2012-2013

Google Glass Registry Created In All States

Glass Explorer Edition by Tedeytan

Google Glass, is it a wonder of technology or a social pariah? Many Google Glass users have recently found themselves under attack after all 50 of the States created a registry database for all users.

Many Google Glass users found themselves being round up and placed under arrest for not complying with new registry laws. Thousands have been forced to abandon their homes, many have lost their jobs and reports of children being taken from Glass owners have begun flooding the news. Owning a pair of these glasses could quite possibly ruin your life.

Many new laws now govern Google Glass users, the restrictions in place are even worse than those followed by sex offenders on the registry:

• Must register place of residence within (10) minutes of purchase of a pair of Google Glass.
• Any registered Google Glass offender must maintain a distance of 1,901,400 centimeters, or 62 thousand feet, or 11 miles, or 9.5 nautical miles from any living creature, human, animal, insect, fish, Godzilla, George W. Bush, corporations, and any remaining Furbies.
•  If forced outside, within possible sight of any normal living being or inanimate object, users must wear a sign on front of shirt letting people know that they wasted their money on a pair of Google Glass-wear.
• If at anytime a registered Glass offender finds themselves within 11 miles or less from any forbidden object or living creature, offender must cover their head with a paper sack, no holes allowed for sight. 
• Any offender seen in public without a paper bag covering their face will be arrested and sentenced a year of prison time for each living creature in an eleven mile vicinity.
• Any offender who breaks any law set forth will be wrongly accused and convicted of a sex crime.

Many people concerned for their privacy were seen dancing in the street, an odd reaction to be sure.

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2012-13

Read More for Sites Across the News World 

• Forget About Google Glass, Here's Google Nose—It's Smell You Can See 
•  6 Parodies of Google’s Project Glass

Rock, Paper, Scissors Changed Forever?

The Las Vegas Gaming Board recently agreed to review the longstanding rules of the well-known game, "Rock, Paper, Scissors", after it began receiving complaints about the overpowering effect of "paper."

One complaint was most descriptive in its arguement.

"What kind of "rock" gets upset and depressed when someone puts a piece of paper on top of it? "Paper"really needs to understand that this is the new millennium and it's popularity is down."

Most vocal amongst the dissenters was the Rock industry. Every single rock artist, including some of the dead ones disagreed with the amount of power "paper" had in the famous game. Many of the artists even went so far as to say that "rock" made "paper" it's personal bitch.

"When I write my new music, I put it on paper. That paper is forced to carry such amazing lyrics and notes. Paper is only as important as the words written on it."

Many scientists took to examining the reported power of "paper." On live TV for example, "paper" seemed to lose even more of it's fabled power when drenched in water. In one instance, it was discovered that when soaked in gasoline, the "powerful" "paper" was much more likely to start on fire then it was to dominate "rock" in any way. "Paper", in all cases, repeatedly was shown to have absolutely zero effect on "rock."

At the end of the examination the Gaming Commission was forced to announce that "paper" was the losing party.

The following statement was made available to the media outlets.

"After several hours of consideration, this board has no choice but to conclude that "paper" cannot rationally beat "rock" in any game. It is unknown, as we do not have the means to test it ourselves, but "paper" may be able to be beat "rock" if it were to be crumpled into a ball and launched at a high enough speed. The effort required to do this is unlikely to be utilized by any pansy trying to use "paper" so it really does not warrant our attention.

We made our decision by trial and error. We tried using "paper" in many different ways but still found no reason why paper should ever be able to compete with the power of "rock.""

DISCLAIMER: "Paper" is still very able to cause nasty paper-cuts. Please use caution when handling!

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In related news, Las Vegas Gaming Commission announced that the size of the "rock" used in the popular game "Rock, Paper, Scissors" must to be mentioned by the player using it to determine if it could actually win against a player using "scissors."

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2103

Did Pocahontas Lie to All of Us?

Even she is pissed.

Not many people may be aware of this but nature and all it’s creatures are very slow to pick up on the latest trends. New movies and music are ancient to us by the time nature gets around to enjoying them. So should we be surprised that most of nature finally saw Disney’s “Pocahontas?” Probably not, but most were surprised after several of nature’s well known celebrities came out to protest the motion picture. There hasn’t been a scandal this large since Christina Aguilera’s famous song “Genie in a Bottle” outraged genies across the world back in the 90s.

Four well-known members of nature, Rainstorm, River, Heron, and Otter have all sued Disney and Pocahontas over what they claim is slanderous material. All four expressed outrage when Pocahontas sang a song titled “Colors of the Wind”, during the film.

“The rainstorm and the river are my brothers. The heron and the otter are my friend.” These two sentences fuel the anger behind the four members of nature named in the lawsuit. River and Rainstorm both claim that they hold no relation to Pocahontas.

“The few times Pocahontas even interacted with us in no way came even close representing us as a family. We are in no way related; she has no right to claim us as brothers, River isn’t even a dude!”

River was even more upset about the situation, but stressed that she in no way was referring to the Situation from Jersey Shore.

“I can’t believe this woman would call me her brother. Last time I checked I was still female. Besides, who drinks and bathes in their brother? Ewww!”

Heron and Otter, though not as traumatized by the situation, were most definitely offended by Pocahontas’ song.

“Did she think it was friendly when she tried to turn me and my real friends into shoes? My own mother, may she rest in peace, was it friendly to turn her into what eventually became Pocahontas’ favorite bra? And don’t tell me she was a “friend” of Heron, she practically had the table set when she tried turn him into supper!”

Thankfully for Pocahontas, she remains quite dead, but Disney isn’t so lucky. The court where the lawsuit was filed is even contemplating reviving Walt Disney himself from his cryogenic chamber.

PETA came out to support the lawsuit after Otter claimed Pocahontas had owned shoes and a bra made out of animal skin. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson both reappeared on the celebrity scene to back up Pocahontas and promote their new line of otter skin panties stating that they felt really good during the winter season.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Breathing May Increase Lifespan

Research is yet incomplete but many experts in the health field believe that the secret to long life may be breathing. Many factors remain to be studied but it is believed that breathing could help extend your life by as long as 70 years or even more. While a few minutes of life is what most of us who don’t breath often expect, it turns out that some people more concerned about living or smoking a cigarette have taken an interest in this breathing phenomenon. Tobacco companies have invested heavily into breathing claiming that cigarettes would be a huge business if customers could manage to actually use one. While many people understand the concept of breathing most people can’t quite get the basics. Learning the first half of breathing, inhaling is quite easy from what most reports claim. It is the second half, exhaling, that proves the most challenging. Researchers have claimed that if society as a whole learned this breathing technique we all would benefit.

While it may be possible one day, fantasizing about not having to hire replacement personnel every few minutes is a luxury most of us cannot afford, especially for the manager in charge of hiring. Currently our second longest living staff member, she has mastered inhaling but passes out quite frequently during interviews only to find the potential employee has died.

Even as I write this do I feel myself approach ever so closer to death. Try as I might, I can barely inhale a single breath. Just like the hiring manager, I often pass out and wake up later feeling depressed after I realize that I had somehow exhaled while unconscious. I am still unable to recall how I did so. I will most likely have died by the time this makes it on to the company website and the employee responsible for uploading will have died shortly after you, the reader finishes this article. Unless you have mastered breathing it is unlikely that you will have the chance to read another of our wonderfully written articles. I never had the time to read any myself, a person can only do so much even if that person has managed to outlive most of his fellow coworkers by somehow living for over an hour. I am pretty sure that I could have qualified as a record breaker for the Guinness Book of World Records but I was informed that a member of that organization died on the way up to my office to determine the validity of my claim. But that is what happens in this world when the elevator breaks down and people have to use the stairs; if most people knew how to breath it would be possible to say it takes the breath out of you.

Oh, one last thing, as my vision grows dim, if you have the chance to check out the news before you make your funeral arrangements, check your local news. CNN is reporting that the first president to live through his inauguration speech was just elected!

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(Sadly the writer of this article died before he could write finish the customary ending added at the end of every article. I will attempt to write it before I die as well.)

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Satire Sani

(I too must sadly inform the readers that the last writer who attempted to the finish this customary ending died before completing his work. He will be fired postmortem and I will spend my last few seconds of life making up for his untimely laziness.)

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

McDonald’s Seeks to Help Suffering Employees

The originally designed "M"..

Despite the seemingly uncaring attitude for it’s historically mistreated employees, McDonald’s survivalist experts have been handed the task of helping out, without paying more wages of course.

Let it be said that McDonald’s truly does care about it’s hardworking, poverty ridden employees, unlike Walmart. McDonald’s Research and Development has published several tips for the income deprived:

• Soaking cardboard in sugar makes for a tasty but inexpensive treat, also high in fiber.

• Don’t have children, if you’re pregnant, abort. If you don’t wish to abort, move to a country where child labor is still legal, if your baby wants to eat it should be willing to earn every bite.

• Instead of stealing food from your workplace, steal it from the fast food restaurant next door, we don’t like them.

• Try getting a fourth a job. We know attempting to get overtime hours at one of our stores is like trying to get a free McNugget so you probably shouldn’t even try. 

• Get married to someone who is rich or at least attempt to marry a manager at one of our stores. Please note that if you marry someone who manages one of our stores that you will not qualify for free meals, ever.

• Give up that crack habit; use your prostitution money to buy one of our delicious salads!

• Instead of buying Christmas gifts, buy your loved ones a McDonald’s gift certificate.

• Work at Walmart on Thanksgiving, they give you a free turkey. If you should decide to work more than just one job on this holiday, we do offer our employees a free fry and a sip of one of our Coke products. Consider saving this fry for when you really get hungry.

• Never take a day off, that’s a day of wasted pay and what did a vacation day ever get you?

• Rent is expensive, contemplate living full-time at a homeless shelter, this will even make your crack habit more manageable.

• Save on shampoo by not ever buying any; the grease dripping from your hair equals less store money spent on oil for our fryers.

• Don’t get fired.

• Consider anorexia, our food isn’t that healthy anyway and bulimia is just a waste of money unless it was spent at our stores.

• If one of our customers dies at the store, employees are encouraged to divide up the body and take some home. If the store should ever decide to include liver and onions as a selection on the menu, the liver of any deceased customer becomes McDonald’s property and if stolen will result in termination of employment.

McDonald’s recommends sticking it out for the long run. Remember, most store employees are much more likely to get promoted to a corporate position the more of their lives they are willing sacrifice to the company. Sleep with your boss or offer to work for free. Your chances increase drastically if you are hot and blonde, (gender doesn’t matter anymore), willing to take a little office humor, (sexual harassment), able to demonstrate the ability to read, happy to share any illegal drugs with your supervisor, (cocaine preferred), content with secretarial work, and able to demonstrate that you can and will do anything to increase corporate profits. Openings are also available to skilled individuals who can convincingly lie to the public about the health benefits of eating daily at their local McDonald’s.

Always remember, McDonald’s values the employees who blindly dedicate their lives to the company. And if you happen to be one of the three workers in the world who can comfortably live on the company’s wages, don’t let them know, McDonald’s is always willing to cut either hours or wages.

Update:
After it was revealed that McDonald’s encourages employees to divide and take home portions of dead employees, a corporate spokesman asked all media outlets to emphasize that they were not encouraging cannibalism.

“Are goal is not to tempt our employees into eating dead customers, it just happens to be an easier way to get rid of the bodies. We hope and expect that our workers are only taking home body parts to show and amaze their friends. We cannot be held responsible for any employee that decides to eat these body parts and develops coronary heat failure as a result.”

Their website still lists dead customers as having 80 grams of fat per serving.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Landlord Informs Tenant Freezing Apartment More Positive Than Appears

After a tenant reported failing heat at his apartment, the landlord reminded the renter that things were much better than once thought.

"The tenant is very lucky to have a freezing home. Not only does the occupant's home serve as large capacity freezer but it also stops his toilet from leaking."

Investigation to the landlord's claims proved factual. The tenants toilet had been leaking from the base for over a year, but instead of pooling on the floor, the water began to freeze. This new formation of ice acts as a seal, preventing more water from spreading across the tiles.

The tenant has taken advantage of the sub-zero temperatures and began purchasing large amount of meat products.

"Before the temperature in my unit plummeted I was unable to store anymore food in my freezer. Now that my entire place functions as a freezer I can store much more meat and frozen foods."

The well blessed man was seen butchering and then storing large amounts of venison in his bedroom closet. The living room is now used to store large quantities of pistachio ice cream.

"Over here we have our frozen vegetable section, the area behind my sofa serves well for this purpose."

The occupant also was overjoyed that making ice cubes for his beverages was much easier than before.

"If I need ice I need only turn on my faucet, the water freezes as soon as it hits the ice cube tray. Who needs to wait hours for perfectly formed cubes."

The tenant has begun subleasing portions of his bathroom to his neighbors for storage of their own recently purchased portion of frozen products.

"This man is very generous. For only 50 dollars a month I can store as much frozen sardines as my heart desires."

Other nearby residents have purchased portions of the occupant's floor space, storing many things, one resident even reportedly storing the body parts of several murder victims for future consumption.

With much space remaining, the newly rich tenant sees a bright financial future on the horizon.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Scientists Discover New Way to Enjoy Television

Years of Research Finally Pay Off

Scientists at CERN have finally found the answer to an issue that has plagued television users for decades. After almost 30 years of research and the tireless work of the brightest minds, mankind has discovered how to make T.V. more entertaining than anyone had imagined.

Many of the researchers involved had already utilized this skill in their own living room, while sitting on a couch, eating enough food to feed an elephant. After several hours and several angry phone calls from the appropriate supervisor, one of the scientist was coaxed out of his home with what had once been extinct, a lovely golden Twinkie.

“After calculating the average weight of the avid television watcher and multiplying that by the amount of beer, on average consumed in a year’s time, we finally had a lead. For year’s people who sent us letters asking for our help touched our hearts and drove us onward. Many of these letters had spilled tears and loose cookie crumbs contained lovingly for our enjoyment.”

God Makes a Rare Appearance

God Doesn’t Like Onions, Most News Outlets Speechless but Satire Sanity Has the Scoop

The Almighty Creator landed in Times Square this afternoon causing shock and panic amongst thousands. A rare appearance from God was certainly not on anyone’s schedule for today, but not many people thought it wise to point this out to Him.

After spending a few hours shopping, sporting a brand new white robe, God the Father was seen entering a local diner for a bite to eat. Everything seemed peaceful until shortly after God received his meal. A pillar of fire materialized in the sky over the diner, striking the table at which He was sitting.

“I saw the whole thing!” one eyewitness was recorded saying. “The waitress served him a burger. He took one bite and that’s when it happened.”

Several onlookers reported the pillar of fire burning the table and burger to ash. The manager of the diner reportedly offered God a refund but He refused politely before reminding the woman to tithe next Sunday. Exiting the building, our camera crew arrived just in time to see the Lord walk swiftly to a nearby hot dog stand for a beef frank. Our news crew finally managed to put on enough sunglasses to look directly at Him.

“Um… God… I was wondering if you could comment about the pillar of fire seen just a few moments ago.”

Casually wiping ketchup off of His new white robes God approached the microphone.

“I knew I should have never created onions, such nasty things. Who knew such a nice waitress could get my order wrong.”

The waitress was later fired after God sent a complaint to the diner’s owner.

Evidently God Almighty doesn’t eat his onions. Woe to those who feed onions to the Lord Thy God.

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Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

You need to check this out. Apple satire cracks me up everytime.

Image from slapthepenguine.com

Hundreds of iPads destroyed by bogus apps