Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.
Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.
"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."

---

In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.

---

Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Saturday, December 1, 2012

NASA To Unveil Mars Discovery

On December 3rd, NASA is planning on revealing information involving Mars. The hype surrounding this statement only increases as the day steadily approaches. Little information has leaked from NASA but we are proud to report what may be a very small portion of what they plan to reveal. Our informant leaked the following information to us just yesterday.


"NASA has stumbled upon what can only be called earth-shattering, or Mars-shattering as it may now be. Reports of a large colony of Christina Aguilera clones living just under the surface of Mars can be confirmed after the leader of the colony uploaded a photo of the complex onto her Facebook page."

As of yet, we have no news on whether or not they will be joining the cast of "The Voice."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Man Arrested For Manufacturing Counterfeit Twinkies

Police arrested an unknown man this morning after a neighbor filed a complaint about odd sounds coming from the suspect's basement.

"He kept screaming about how mankind was safe from a zombie apocalypse. What really frightened us was his rapid weight gain and what appeared to be a permanent blob of cream filling on his chin."

Investigators on the scene uncovered a illegal Twinkie lab in the suspect's basement. Evidence of illegal Ding Dong manufacturing was found on the scene.

"The suspect is in big trouble here. These people need to be punished, first meth labs then Twinkie labs?"

Walmart released a statement regarding the situation.

"As with Sudafed, customers are only allowed to purchase up to 3 tubs of cream filling per day."

The local residents are very thankful that the culprit was apprehended.

"The last thing we needed was this evil man selling Twinkies to our children."

No news yet whether Twinkie labs are as flammable as your average meth lab.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Neighbors Refuse to Make Enough Noise During Sex

Dumbledore in S&M garb.
Paul Bryan is your average creepy, fat white dude. He keeps the same routine almost everyday. He rises from bed at 6 P.M. after sleeping for a measly 14 hours. He then demolishes the bathroom while smoking a cigarette that will inevitably burn the top of his rotund belly. After a quick nap from the chore of using the bathroom, Paul goes to the kitchen for his early supper.

"I eat raw SPAM daily. Every time I eat it I feel miserable afterwords and tell myself I will never eat SPAM again. But by the time the next day comes about, I open yet another can. It's like those dirty adult movies that seem good at first but having you running for the trashcan ten minutes later."

Besides his awesome sleeping habits and his exquisite taste in food, Bryan has another horrible habit, let's make that two.

Paul's neighbors irritate him to no end.

"Late at night, when I am starting my evening session of World of Warcraft, their bed begins to squeak really loudly... , kung-pow, take that you stupid drunken zombie pigeon!"

Paul's obsession with his neighbors is nothing new. His upstairs neighbors had to be bribed with 200 dollars just to do an interview with us.

"He sends us letters on a weekly basis.

'Will you please wear microphones while you guys are doing it? I can buy the amplifier, it is much to quiet down in my place.'

'I would be more than happy to drill a man-sized hole through your bedroom floor.'

And the last letter, we received it last night...

'You have repeatedly refused to negotiate with me. I have been very modest with my requests. At the very least, and to repair our friendship, can you at least moan really loudly?'

We tried getting a restraining order, but evidently it would be 'entrapment' since he lives less than 100 feet from us."

Paul happily mailed us a letter informing us of his new discovery...

"I bought one of those listen devices that picks up the vibrations off a window. Goodbye DVD's, I got my entertainment for a week.

Now to hook it up to my DVR!"

----

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


----

His other bad habit? Daniel Hines reports for us...

"When Paul gets really bored, he frolics around in his living room. With a robe made from a modified bed-sheet, he takes on the persona of his favorite gay wizard, Gandalf the Pervert, previously Gandalf the White. Honestly though, that 'the White' is obviously racist. Where is Gondolf the Black, Gandalf's black half-brother?"

We think Daniel may have confused Gandalf with Dumbledore. "Gay wizard grooms young boy. Private lessons something more?"

Friday, November 2, 2012

Kristen Stewart Finally Number One at Something - Exclusive!

Good morning to you too!
Fans of Kristen Stewart found one more thing to gush over last weekend as Daniel Tosh of Tosh.O revealed more of the actresses' never-ending talent. Her accomplishment? Kristen received a reward for "Most Exhausting Actress of the Year."

Lindsay Lohan reportedly started using crack again after her dreams of winning the award were crushed.

"I worked so hard this year to win it. I started using meth, I frowned a lot and Chris Brown punched me in the face repeatedly. If I don't look exhausted, who does?"

Kristen Stewart had nothing to say in regards to the award. It was revealed that she did not have the strength to activate her vocal cords after three straight weeks of screaming about how horrible and misunderstood her life was.

Robert Pattison in a rage of anger posted a sex tape showing the world how exhausting Kristen is really.

"She doesn't even have sex in this video! It was kinda like phone sex but without the phone and with all the meaningless words one can muster."

The CDC, Centers for Disease Control issued a statement that has all the pretty boys within one hundred miles of Stewart in a panic.

"Kristen Stewart exhibits all of the signs of a contagious form of exhaustion. Please be careful while viewing any of her films and make sure to burn it after wasting an hour of your life to the exhaustive acting."

The CDC also stated that a common and severe side effect of being near Stewart is evident when the victim shows signs of rapid aging and the appearance of what is usually confined to those who have been beaten severely with the 'ugly stick.'"

"Robert Pattison was once a very attractive young man. Now look at him! He looks like he could fall asleep on a campfire! And whoever told him he looked alright with facial hair?"

The US Surgeon General has decreed that Kristen Stewart be required to wear a label, quite similar to what you might find on a cigarette pack.

"Warning: May cause premature aging and lack of life."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Ghost Hunters Continue to Breed Stupidity

After years of shooting stupid footage, full of creaking stairs and dust motes, the Ghost Hunters team has finally decided to come to a close. During the series finale, the cast of Ghost Hunters will be introducing their brand new show, "Ghost Worshipers: It's Still All Fake."

"I am a long time hater of Ghost Hunters. My wife always comes running to me about this "proof" or that "proof" that ghosts exist.  She killed my dog last night when the reflection off a lamp made his eyes glow."

Research apparently shows that 100 percent of all Ghost Hunters viewers believe their is a ghost in their house every time the refrigerator door closes by itself.

"I had just taken the milk out of the fridge when the door closed by itself. I can only hope that this ghost is a nice ghost."

Caroline, another viewer of the stupid show also had a paranormal experience to share with us.

"I was upstairs cleaning my bedroom out when a stack of books that I had precariously set on the edge of an end table fell down. I was so afraid that the ghost was trying to hurt me that I lost control of my bladder."

Recently, our chief correspondent's wife crashed into the local deli.

"I was driving to the store when I heard this rattle in the engine. I was so afraid for my life, what if the ghost cut my break lines? I started texting my husband when the ghost made me crash into this building."

---

In other news, stupid people who talk on their phones as if they are having an orgasm piss me the hell off!! Grow some balls and talk like a man, not a limp noodle with a french accent!!

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Michelle Obama Accuses Husband, Muslim Controversy

Just a few minutes ago, Michelle Obama, wife of the President sent out a very incriminating tweet.

"@BarrackObama Mthrfckr, I saw u sneak 2 mecca, cant wait til u get ur ass home. ur ass... is... toast. #hesamuslim"

Michelle Obama revealed to E! News that her husband had promised her he was not a muslim.

"I kept finding those ugly muslim head coverings stashed in between my evening dresses. I wasn't sure what it was all about until I saw Barrack on television at a huge pilgrimage at Mecca. Since then I found his Koran and his prayer mat hidden, hidden behind our wedding photos."

We here at Satire Sanity pray for Michelles safety in the upcoming days.

"I keep seeing these children and hoping one of them isn't a terrorist. I'm a target now that the muslim world knows I have uncovered the truth."

---

In other news, President Obama was seen entering a hospital with extensive wounds. He is reportedly being checked into a 'Battered Husbands Crisis Center.'

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Tenant Waits 6 Months for Apartment Key

James Naff is your normal college-age student. He works, gets awesome grades and parties ever other Saturday. He even has an apartment, a very spacious one bedroom with an awesome kitchen. The only problem in James' life is his landlord.

"My landlord is driving me crazy. He does it every week."

He is referring to the multiple times his landlord has unlawfully forced James into the company SUV only to drive around in tight circles until the tenant would begin hallucinating.

What most of James' friends don't realize, apart from being driven crazy, he also sleeps outside. He has his own tent pitched in the backyard. All the camping supplies James could afford are in this little ten foot by ten foot square.

"I signed the lease about six months ago. Then the landlord started acting like an ass. It took me an entire month to get my mailbox key. Now winter is approaching and I have yet to get the key to the apartment. Do you know how frustrating it is to be 25 feet away from a warm apartment?"

According to his lease, James can at no time forcibly enter the premises, thereby preventing him from breaking down the door.

After interviewing James we spoke to his landlord.

"I told him I would get it to him as soon as I can. But my family comes first and we are heading down south for the winter, to stay warm."

Local meteorologist, Dave Dahl, is predicting that James has a 75 percent chance of freezing to death this winter.

"But let's be optimistic, there is also a .005 percent chance that a balmy southern warm front will envelope James' tent keeping him alive for the winter."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tragedy

A friend of mine died on Sunday. I will hopefully be publishing some new articles tomorrow.

Thanks for understanding.

Monday, October 22, 2012

President Obama: No Nuclear Talks With Iran

Today, the President declared that he did not wish to talk about anything "nuclear" with the leader of Iran.

After the last attempt to talk about nuclear related events, President Obama was exasperated after what can only be described as a mind-warping presentation from Ahmadinejad himself. You can check out our coverage of the presentation here.

"Ahmadinejad is a nice guy, alright. But every time we get together and play golf, all he does is talk about his nuclear program and his attempt to create viable nuclear kitchen appliances. Enough is enough, we can play golf next Sunday, Ahmadinejad, but no nuclear talk, at all."

President Ahmadinejad reportedly was very hurt by Obama's comment and was seen writing an apology with tears streaked all over his handwriting. 

"If I had known Ahmadinejad was going to act this way, I would have been a little less abrasive with my approach. Ahmadinejad, if you're watching, if it pleases you, we could talk about destroying Israel instead?"

Ahmadinejad responded in an email several seconds later.

"That would be awesome! You really know how to comfort a friend. We can talk about my new nuclear blender on a future date.

Best Friends Forever,

Your Favorite Dictator, Ahmadinejad

P.S. My new blender is really awesome! It makes your snacks glow in the dark so you don't have to turn on the light to eat!"

--

In other news, a mysterious form of energy, who insisted his name was Nuclear, was unsure why Obama would have to clarify that he, Nuclear, was not talking to Iran.

"Maybe I misunderstood the headlines, but I am sure it was referring to me!"

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

Poop transplants? For real?

No politicians were hurt while creating this photo.



Crap Fashions




The latest fashion craze is a strange one indeed. Of all the things fashion has thrown at us, I never thought we would outdo the mullet.

Poop transplants, yes, poop transplants. Some say it can save ones life. Others, anorexics, praise the new procedure.

"With poop transplants, my family will actually believe I am eating."

The grotesque has finally reached it's pinnacle. From the days of "Two Girls, One Cup" to the reality of today.

Poop transplants, available at your local crack den.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Thursday, October 18, 2012

North Dakota Enforces "Sunday Law", Day of Rest

A homeless man was arrested last Sunday after breaking North Dakota's notorious "Sunday Law." This is a law that requires everyone to go to church and sleep upon returning home. North Dakota congressmen openly take satisfaction that they can break the First Amendment whenever they choose.

"I was laying down under my bridge like I always do on Sundays. Because of the "Sunday Law", none of the stores are open, not to mention public services like the hospital and the fire department."

The arresting officer, "Just Following Orders" Peterson, was cornered while hiding from us in a church pew.

"The law is very clear. Just laying down after church is unlawful. One must actually be sleeping. After watching the man breath for several minutes, I could tell that he was not sleeping but just closing his eyes. I also suspect that he did not attend church that day."

Local law enforcement is going over church data to discover if the homeless man registered for church service. North Dakota is the only state that requires churches to install scanners to verify who attended church and who did not.

A judge later set the homeless man's bond at one million dollars, citing gross disobedience of state laws regarding church attendance.

"The bond was set so high for a couple of reasons. How can I let him out of jail when it has been determined that he will refuse to go to church in the future? Not to mention that he is homeless and will most definitely not sleep during the daylight hours on Sunday. Why release him when he will just repeat his offense?"

North Dakota's governor expressed his love of the "Sunday Law."

"It is a fine example of how easy it is to create unconstitutional laws. Until someone stops us we will continue making laws to the contrary. I am planning on recommending a law stating that citizens can only attend Catholic church service. Anything other, like Lutheran and Baptist churches must respect 'Sunday Law'."

As of today, the state prosecutors are recommending a life sentence and excommunication for the homeless man.

"We feel we must make an example with this homeless man. If anyone ever thinks to go against the moral code of our senators and representative again, they will suffer greatly. This state will continue to respect the religion of Catholicism."

Those in favor of the sentence were quick to point out that the homeless man should feel lucky.

"He goes from living under a bridge to the assurance that he will always have a concrete ceiling over him."

North Dakota is currently in the process of creating a new law that would violate the 8th Amendment.

"No cruel and unusual punishment? Ha, this new law would let us do whatever we want when it comes to our citizens."

In other news, President Obama is currently planning a nuclear strike against North Dakota. The name of the nuke to be used, "Thomas Jefferson."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Fact: North Dakota has a "Sunday Law" that prohibits most businesses from opening before noon on Sundays. Car Dealerships are prohibited from opening at all on Sunday.

Source: BismarckCafe.com

Monday, October 15, 2012

Town Hall "floor-mat" may favor Romney in Tuesday debate

Obama's campaign manager spoke to MSNBC last night on the advantages each of the candidates will possess during tomorrows debate.

"To start off, I find this to be unethical and unfair, the floor-mat Romney will be standing on offers him an overwhelming advantage."

According to extensive research done on the effects of Mormons standing on certain floor-mats, the individual's "magic Mormon underwear" would interact with it in an interesting way. The research shows that the "magic underwear" reacts with the floor-mat creating a magical aura of charisma.

"The magic that will be at work with Romney will be unstoppable. We are doing our best to remove all floor-mats, but if we do that, his magic underpants may react with the podium or some other overlooked object."

Obama has one advantage that may be useful. His ability to close his eyes, lower his head during a debate will give people the impression that he doesn't even need to argue what is so obvious. Or it may lead people to believe he is extremely tired and very talented at sleeping standing up.

The word on the streets is that Obama is posed to win due to his advantage.

"I know that I will vote for him. The appreciation he shows towards sleep is comforting. I love sleep, therefore I love Obama."

You can buy "Sleeping During Debates For Dummies" from your local bookstore for the low price of 29.99$. It also features an introduction written by Barrack Obama himself.

You can buy your own pair of "magic Mormon underwear" for the low price of joining a secretive cult and taking a holy pilgrimage to the holy planet of Kolob. Please see your local Mormon Temple of Doom for details.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Batman Threatens Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel said no to a Batman related baby name on Thursday. During a tweet talking in general about her popular engagement to repulsive, soo last decade slime-ball Justin Timberlake, a fan asked Biel about baby names.

"@JessicaBiel I would b very happy if u named ur 1st baby Batmo. #Batman is awsome!"

After adamantly refusing the idea, Biel made the news after a claim that she doesn't have the funds to pay for therapy for her child in the future.

On Friday Biel received a reply tweet filled with hateful and threatening words, from Twitter username @RealBatman.

"@JessicaBiel Srry 2 hear u wont use the name. Screw u & dont expect me 2 come runnin if u need savin! #asshole, #batmanisawesome!"

Police are investigating if the Twitter user @RealBatman is truly Bruce Wayne once again hiding behind his famous moniker.

Nancy Grace dedicated a portion of her show to address the @RealBatman versus @JessicaBiel issue.

"As far as I know, Batman is a rogue vigilante, a loose cannon. He takes the law into his own hands and never takes responsibility for his actions. Kind of reminds me of John Hancock, also a rogue crime fighting superman. We managed to put that psycho into prison, why not Batman?

Now, I would think much differently if Batman managed to capture Casey Anthony for me. I would love to put her in my torture chamber!"

Sources reveal that if Casey Anthony were to be placed in Nancy's torture dungeon, the murderess would be the first female to reside there.

Suze Orman, an internationally acclaimed financial expert, was quick to point out the flaw in Biel's claimed inability to afford therapy.

"How much money does she have in savings? Does she have retirement money set aside? How much debt does she own right now? For Pete's sake, she owns a yacht! Either that or I am getting confused with some other massively expensive item.

Let's see, she has been in several movies, hits like "Blade: Trinity" and many seasons of "7th Heaven." So if she's asking for permission to assume that she is unable to afford therapy for her yet to be conceived child...

Well here's my answer for Jessica...

Denied!

Girlfriend, you have more than enough money to spare."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


Comment link is directly below, please do!




Saturday, October 13, 2012

Ryan Attempts to Win Votes, Stripper Style

His ears are growing, he trims the nose.
After several days of campaigning in Ohio, Paul Ryan drew the anger of democratic residents after attacking the Obama policies.

"Obama has done nothing to restrain China. Two million jobs, American jobs, have been handed to China on a silver platter. Obama's policy on trade relations with the Peoples Republic have failed."

From the crowd, voices turned angry and hostile.

"Now I came here today suspecting opposition, and let me tell you folks, you're a brainless bunch. Romney will not send any jobs to China, he never will, and never has!"

When the crowd began to loudly object, Ryan enacted what moles in the Ryan team refer to as nefarious plan "B."

Ryan removed his Android from his shirt pocket and began dancing provocatively to the sound of club music. As he began to remove his clothes, the entire crowd was heard dialing 9-1-1.

After Ryan was arrested for public nudity, the chief of police gave a solemn statement.

"Ohio law prohibits acts of nudity in public, exotic dancing or not. Scaring the public in the way he did was immoral and unlawful."

Hardcore Romney supporters still plan on supporting the candidates regardless of their actions.

"Like I said before, Romney and Ryan will get my vote no matter what. I hate Obama so what other choice do I have? Ryan may be a dirty sex offender but I would rather have that in office than Obama."

As to whether or not they would still vote that way if Romney and Ryan charged with the mass murdering children, well... we got the same answer.  

 Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012




--Fact Check--

"Obama campaign spokesman Danny Kanner wrote in a statement: “Congressman Ryan’s tough rhetoric can’t hide the fact that Mitt Romney will never crack down on China’s cheating – just look at his record. When President Obama stood up to China on behalf of American tire workers, Romney called it ‘decidedly bad for the nation.'"

Source: NBC News

--End of Fact Check--


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Microsoft Unveils New Operating System, Apple Attempts to Keep Up

Microsoft's New Operating System
Microsoft, founded in 1975, has a reputation in the operating system world. With the advent of Windows and Office, Microsoft set itself solidly in the concrete of the computer world.

Windows 3.1, 95, 98, Windows ME, 2000, XP, Vista and the current Windows 7 have all made their mark in history. Microsoft has created good software and extremely bad software. With Windows 8 on the horizon, many wonder if the rumors of change are true.

"Microsoft is doing something different this time. Not only are we improving on the operating systems of the past, we are changing the dynamic way this new version will run."

Microsoft has kept all the technical information secret but we do finally have a official name to go by. Leaving the path of familiarity, Windows is poised to take a nosedive into the software graveyard.

"The Windows brand will be discontinued. We believe the concept of fashioning our system from that of a window is outdated. It is time for us to begin fashioning our programs after other housing features.

Today we introduce, Microsoft Doors 1.0!

With a new concept, Microsoft will further expand it's vast empire!"

Apple, unwilling to be seen as behind-the-times, (even though they are), also introduced it's new line of upcoming computers.

Apple Inc. as Banana Inc.
"Microsoft will not outdo us. Apple is planning on changing the company name. We will be forever known as 'Banana!"

Banana is currently trying to figure out how the new computers should look, if the design should resemble a banana or just look like a regular computer.

A source from inside Banana has confirmed sneaking suspicions that the company plans to take their technology back to the 80s.

"They think that if they wish to be successful, they will have to go back to their roots. This means restarting the company using 1977 technology and horribly small screens."

The oldest, most insignificant, fanboys love it!
Market analysts believe that they will use the same tactic that it uses with those who impatiently await the new iPhone 6.

"They will start off the line of new Banana computers with obsolete technology, promising to provide state of the art specs several years down the road. Apple, now Banana fanboys will wait with cult-like loyalty until their elderly years as Banana promises they will one day finally introduce an accessory called the 'CD-ROM."


The new/obsolete Banana computer retails at the awesome low price of 2,000 dollars. The specs are amazing and are as follows:

  • cassette interface available to storage space
  • State of the art 5.25-inch floppy drive not included but can be purchased for 1,000 dollars
  • 1 MHz processor
  • 9 inch built-in monochrome screen
  • 4k of RAM
  • A fake piece of cardboard that has a picture of a keyboard on it
Looks like a fine computer to me, at least Banana did not retail it at 666.66 dollars like they did with the first Apple.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


Mother Still Mad After 10 Years

Rebellious child cleaning without permission!
A mother posted an article on her blog last week after 10 years of pent-up anger finally put her over the edge.

"My son, who I have recently disowned, continues to piss me off. I remember the night like it was yesterday."

Ten years ago, Carol, as usual was sitting on the computer. Arguing like she always did with other women about virtues of motherhood, Carol was unsuspecting about what was happening in her own kitchen.

Her then 15 year old son, James, was in the kitchen, rebelliously doing the dishes. He was always known for making his mom sit on the computer while he did all the housework.

"My mom always told me to go outside and stuff. I never listened to her."

James had regularly disobeyed his mother. With her son always in trouble, Carol was forced to do what she had always secretly hated, chat on her computer.

"I would tell that bastard to not clean his room, and what would he do? He would clean it anyway!"

Today, James, without lingering fear of his mother is very quick to give his opinion regarding her.

"I hated her, she always would beats me when I cleaned the house. It was always, 'Why are all these dishes clean!?' and 'Why can't you be dirty like all the normal children?' At that point I was thinking of running away, the abuse was getting severe."

According to Carol's son, his step-dad, Jim, threatened him with a pistol after these events occurred. When he discovered that James had not stolen any of his mother Dr. Peppers, Jim went over the edge.

"He started looking through my room, already yelling because it was clean. Then he came out and kicked my feet out from under me. I guess he was pissed that he didn't find any empty cans hidden in my closet."

James ran away that night, getting away from the abuse and chaos. His parents would later be charged with child abuse. It wasn't until James was 21 that he found out the charges had been dismissed years earlier.

"The presiding judge in my mother's case was sympathetic to the predicament. Like my mother, the judge too had children who would rebelliously clean the house without permission."

James' mother was also quite the liar. Something that James declined to comment on was a statement that had surfaced during his mother's preliminary hearing. When the judge asked Carol about the marks on her son, she claimed that he had put them there himself.

"What mother would beat her child for doing what he did? Maybe if he had broken the rules and cleaned my bathroom, but not for cleaning the kitchen."

Carol did not get away quite so cleanly as she believes. The readers may find satisfaction when informed of her current state.

Carol's psychiatrist told us the facts when it came to the mother's state of mind.

"Carol believes that she is leading a successful life. She believes that she works in San Diego as a Federal Aviation Administration employee. She currently believes she is in charge of a large portion of security in the Pacific regions. In fact, she prides herself in being in charge of one of only three security command centers overlooking the Pacific.

The sad fact is that she currently lives in a mental hospital. Her delusions are augmented by the airplane crayon drawings she has on her walls."

One of our cameramen was recently given a raise after it was discovered that he had replaced Carol's supporting imagery with crayon depictions of the prostitute lifestyle.

"If my mother begins to believe she is a hooker, justice will finally be served."

As of today, Carol published her first blog article about the high society status of her prostitution career.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

:)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Borderlands 2 Introduces Mechromancer - STDs Galore

After Borderlands 2 introduced the new character class, Mechromancer, STDs became the new cool in the gaming world.

After seeing the new character, my attention was drawn to a new ability fondly known as the amazing "Explosive Clap!" The symptoms of this new STD are evident by the name of the disease. Currently, there is no cure for this disease, but from what I've seen, it's not something one may want to cure. Unlike AIDS and herpes, this "Explosive Clap" can add much excitement to your gaming experience!

My new favorite is the game dialogue:

"Quick level-up, you farmed some flesh sticks!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mother arrested for tattooing 11-year-old daughter

Her ID said she was 18!
It all started out innocent enough. A North Carolina woman was arrested for tattooing her daughter after a relative reported the incident to police.

A police report stated that the mother had tattooed her daughter in multiple places with out regard of the law.

"The defendant tattooed her daughter multiple times. Of the tattoos on the daughter, three were verified to have been applied by the mother."

Of three tattoos in question, two were on her wrist and one above her waist:

1. Can't drink until 2022.

2. Can't smoke until 2019.

And above her waist,

3. She's not 18 even if she says she is until 2019.

Child Protective Services has given mixed reactions to the tattooing due to the messages on the the girl's body.

"Tattooing a child is wrong, but on the other hand, this kinda prevents the daughter from getting into too much trouble. It also prevents any pervert from claiming they thought she was 18."

Anti-Smoking foundations have stood up to defend the right of the parent to tattoo such wise things on their child.

"It is best to start teaching your child these lessons at a young age."

Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, insisted that tattooing messages of wisdom on your children was the right thing to do.

"All my children were tattooed at birth with the message, "No sex until marriage". So far, only one of my children has managed to remove that one!"

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

What's behind California's soaring gas prices?

Local California man attempting to find gas station sign.
California's gas prices are high. So high that ost people are having trouble seeing the prices as gas stations are constantly elevating their signs.

"My favorite gas station is just down the road from me. I used to fill up there every week but now I can't see the gas price sign anymore."

This is a common complaint among consumers in California as gas stations throughout the state continue to build taller and taller signs.

"The gas station across the street used to be so convenient. Nowadays, if I want to see how much gas is, I have to pull out the old binoculars and  hope that we aren't having a cloudy day."

The gas station in question, Shell, has recently broken the record for the highest soaring gas price. At 22 miles high, this gas station has the highest elevated prices in the nation.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.
Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Israel Shoots Down Unidentified Plastic Bag

Israel made the news Saturday after shooting down an unidentified object that had entered Israeli airspace.

The Israeli people were quick to respond, bomb shelters were utilized and the Israeli Air Force deployed 30,000 of it's overwhelming fleet of F-16 Fighting Falcon's.

Ultimately, the unidentified object turned out to be a rogue plastic bag. The United States was in uproar after the plastic bag was identified to have American origin.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta, sent a statement to Israel warning the rogue state to cease hostilities or face U.S. retaliatory measures.

"This is a blatant act of war. The Israeli government made no attempt to identify the origin of the plastic bag. This loss has deeply saddened the nation, we cannot afford more bloodshed."

The American flag was flown at half mast today as a memorial for the late plastic bag.

Walmart later came forward to claim the plastic bag.

"Israel has made an enemy today. The loss of this plastic bag will have a major financial impact in the following months."

Walmart began the process of shutting down the twelve chains present in Israel. This will make Sam's Choice beverages unattainable for the large population in Jerusalem who swear by it's quality.

Israel began strategic operations to protect it's airspace from future plastic bag intrusions. 

"Israel will began calibrating it's Jericho intercontinental ballistic missiles, boosting their effectiveness against future invasions of the plastic type."

The United States, in retaliation readied it's famous Tomahawk cruise missiles against possible threats of airborn Israeli recyclable paper bags.

"Let it be known that Israel does not scare us and will not succeed in this conflict.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Satan clinically depressed, coughing not what it once was

Good looking man summoning Satan
Earlier this morning at a board meeting at the Cadbury Corporate Headquarters, which is also known for making Halls cough drops, a top executive was reprimanded for covering his mouth during a cough.

The CEO of Cadbury, Todd Stitzer, who as a well known weirdo, was very by the covering of mouth incident.

"Covering ones mouth can be traced back to ancient times. Back when men openly communed with the Devil. Back then, coughing was seen as a way to release evil spirits, removing them from the soul. The act of covering your mouth was a salute to Satan, calling on him to join you at your table. It is very bad."

A man, Mr. Satan Alexander Devil, called the station later to confirm the matter.

"It is always depressing when people cover their mouth. They just don't realize the effect it has on me. It's like they just rang my version of a telephone. It's like those phone calls you get when someone misdials your phone. A person like me, red, scary looking with a tale, never really gets a call from a friend. No one ever calls and says 'Hey Satan, want to hang out?' or 'What's up Satan, my best friend in the whole wide world.' Just the same thing everyday, my new smartphone ringing nonstop. Everybody hates me. Now that bin Laden lives next door to me, I really don't use my phone much for anything other than dirty movies, music and the occasional tweet."

Verizon, Satan's carrier of choice has good things to say about Mr. Devil.

"Mr. Devil has been with us for a long time. He always pays his bills and he is always prompt to renew his contract every two years. Just last month he came into our store and bought a brand new Samsung Galaxy S 3. We even give him a special deal on his data allowance. He pays a standard fee of 100 hundred dollars month for his data plan seeing he uses so much data. He is a very big user fan of YouTube, often using 100 gigabytes or more a month."

Verizon also is planning on surprising Satan on his birthday next month when the company plans to build a 4G tower in hell, near Satan's condo.

Satan is having a rough time of it. He did say he was getting treatment but that it has yet to help much.

"My doctor, Jack Kevorkian has me on so many pills. From anti-depressants, to anti-anxiety drugs. He also keeps helping me commit suicide, but after every procedure, I just end up back here, down in hell again."

Mr. Satan was committed to a psychiatric hospital shortly after the phone call, but health professionals assure us that his new cocktail of medications should do the trick.

Please pray for Mister Satan Alexander Devil, he needs as much help as Mister Goddeus SkyDaddy Almighty can give.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


New Balance Designs Misleading Footwear

Boromir advocates smart shopping.
New Balance recently came out with a newly designed shoe. This new shoe is aimed mostly at marathon runners and the average leisurely runner who wishes to keep in shape.

The company donated 200 of their shoes to an upcoming marathon event being held to raise awareness for victims of crime and poverty. The marathon event was to span several states, starting in Minneapolis, Minnesota and ending in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

The event started off smoothly, with Betty White in the lead. It wasn't until the runners made it to Kansas that things began to go awry.

"We were producing coverage for the event, video taping the runners on their arduous trek. But as we entered Kansas, nothing seem to make sense anymore."

After several days of running, the camera team got the sneaking suspicion that they weren't in Kansas anymore.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

The cameramen were lost, having no way to identify where they were going.

"As long as we follow the runners we will be just fine."

One of the cameramen suggested someone text a friend and ask for directions.

"I had this really nice Samsung Galaxy S III. The texting is awesome. I even have 4g coverage right now."

The cameramen were really upset that one of them had forgotten to download Google Maps.

"We just got word that Betty White has made it to the finish line, the only one it seems."

After a few more days of wandering, one of the runners pointed out a "Welcome to Mexico" sign.

"Oklahomans love to play jokes, pretending like this is Mexico and all. Maybe we can find a good mexican restaurant!"

As we were traveling through what appeared to be hundreds of bushes, what one runner said they looked familiar.

"Those look like coca bushes. The make cocaine from it. Wonder who they belong to?"

The man looked around suspiciously as he wiped some white powder from his nostril.

The next morning, while continuing to traverse through lush fields of drugs, the convoy came across a very mean looking group of men. They were all holding Uzi's and a little way behind them was Sarah Palin holding a "Right to bear arms" sign.

"We were peacefully driving when a large militia of drug-lords overtook our runners. After searching a few of the men, they discovered a large amount of cocaine in their possession. Sarah Palin became involved upon this discovery.

"Dru'ugs are illegaal and unpatriotic to the flaag! Yur aul going to ja'el."

After determining they had no money, the men with Uzi's took all the New Balance shoes and began handing out narcotics anonymous pamphlets.

As it turned out, these were not cocaine traffickers but a radicalized team of a special D.A.R.E. operatives.

"After leaving Mexico, I am glad my life has been spared. They said I could live if in return I enter rehab when I get home."

The cameramen were later ashamed to find out that they could have downloaded Google Maps of the Google Play store.

New Balance issued a product recall after a large group of rich New York City teenage males found themselves in the middle of gang territory.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Justin Bieber Exposed, Lip-syncing Scandal


Last week, on stage, after being exposed as being bulimic, Justin Bieber made the headlines again today after a blooper on stage.

Halfway into his new song, 'Believe', the music skipped, literally. Justin was caught lip-syncing.

After begging the crowd to believe that his voice had just skipped a little, the fans began wondering if Justin Bieber was just a hot young man, rather than a hot young man who could sing.

After the story broke the on the nightly news, a little known figure, a native of Chernobyl, Russia, propelled to the forefront.

Around the world, audiences watched in silence as a young man from Russia, deformed at birth, took the center stage. With two extra sets eyes on his forehead and little midget twin dangling from his neck, not many people could believe what happened next.

The Russian native began to sing...

"Where would I be, if you, if you
If you didn't believe
Wouldn't know how it feels to
Touch the sky, if you didn't believe
Believe, believe

It didn't matter how many times I got knocked on the floor
You knew one day I would be standing tall
Just look at us now

Cause everything starts from something
But something would be nothing
Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me

Cause everything starts from something
But something would be nothing
Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me
Where would I be, if you didn't believe."

The shock was clear on the news channel. The weatherman and the sportsman were sobbing on the floor. This was the voice we had always known as Justin Bieber's.

Justin Bieber later made a statement to the claims that he had stolen the voice of a deformed guy.

"This mutant was obviously lip-syncing my song. I am the voice behind my music and I will always be the voice behind my music.

Oh and despite what Satire Sanity News reported the other day, I am not bulimic and my mother never made a statement to that effect."

--

In other news, plastic surgeons and makeup artists board flights to Russia to make the real voice behind the music even hotter than Justin himself.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Friday, October 5, 2012

Presidential Debate Comes Down To Favorite Color

Presidential debate moderator loses her temper.
At last nights debate, between President Obama and former tax evader Mitt Romney, much was said and many lies to spoken.

Miss Piggy (a friend of Big Bird),the moderator for the debate, after an hour of being ignored, walked up to the podiums and backhanded them. After returning to her post, Miss Piggy asked them the most important question, a question that would solve the question of who to elect once and for all.

"What would you say is your favorite color? Romney, you may answer first."

After ten minutes of scratching his head, Romney cleared his throat.

"What was the question again?"

Miss Piggy began to shake with rage.

"Hiiieeee YAAAA!"

A large makeup kit smashed into Mitt's face.

"I ASKED, WHAT is your FAVORITE COLOR!!"

After Mitt Romney recovered from the blow he pulled out a little device, a device that would later be revealed by the camera as a 'lie creator'.

"My favorite color is green, like the planet where God lives, Kolob."

The President adjusted his suit coat and smiled.

"Romney says his favorite color is green, but when he was Governor he painted the governors mansion yellow. How do you explain that?

What is my favorite color? My favorite color is..."

Romney interrupted:

"What the President would like you to believe about clean energy is totally false. He tried to force a bill through congress three times. Three times! Three times he tried to change the term 'green energy' to 'red energy! AH HA!"

"Thank you for interrupting me FORMER GOVERNOR. My favorite color is blue, like the flag."

Miss Piggy removed herself from her seat and approached Mitt.

"Give me back my makeup case!"

As soon as the case returned to her hand she it chucked at Romney again. 


The debate was a success, or so MSNBC claimed.

"The color favored by the candidates will determine the election day results. Now we go to Chris Matthews reporting outside the local prostitute palace. What do you think was in Miss Piggy's makeup case..."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Limbless Woman Rolls Six Blocks to Nearest Bus Stop

Traffic stopped downtown today as onlookers watched an 22 year old limbless woman roll down the sidewalk.

When the police and fire rescue workers arrived on the scene they struggled to stop the woman. A police scanner was used to clock the woman's rate of rolling speed, estimating her to be rolling at an amazing speed of just over 65 miles per hour.

"The woman lost control of her speed when a strong north wind began to affect her roll."

The fire and rescue crew were forced to break a world record for building a temporary dam, in under 30 seconds they had erected a 5 foot tall wall of sandbags. The woman was stopped dead in her tracks, literally.

"We were able to stop her roll and resuscitate her. However, due to her impact on our world record breaking wall, her brain was ejected from her skull forcing us to duct tape it to the back of her neck."

After the police determined that she had not been fleeing arrest, the lady in question was asked what she was doing rolling down the street.

"I just had an appointment with my orthopedic doctor. A few years ago, I badly sprained the right stub of what used to be my leg. It never healed quite properly so I was forced to see the doctor."

The woman later stated that she was trying to get to the bus station 6 blocks south from the clinic.

The doctor, who had arrived on the scene after seeing the incident on the NASCAR channel affirmed what his patient had said.

"It was a horrible sprain! She was rolling down her stairs one day when she lost her footing, I mean nubbing. I was planning surgery to repair the damage."

The woman, who refused to give her name (she feared that her friends would recognize her on TV otherwise), the woman asked to be allowed a statement pointed at the bus administration.

"The bus people obviously think that the bus should stop at the local McDonalds instead in front of the clinic Who would ever need a ride from the orthopedic clinic (the bone doctor) that helps people who have pain getting around? I guess if you have your stomach full of fries you can't walk around very much, but a man with a broken leg should be able to walk just fine!

The policeman appeared extremely offended by the comment and later issued her a ticket for going ten miles over the speed limit.

"Discriminating against people who eat at McDonalds is wrong! What would she have me do instead? Eat something healthy or something? She is lucky I didn't arrest her for inciting violence towards fat people."

---

In other news, the local bus depot unveiled a new bus, the back-end of which is shaped like a bowling lane. The bus administration claims this will help people who have no limbs gain access to the bus.

"They roll on in, like a bowling ball, and when they get off we squeeze them throw a little hole and let them bounce on the ground before a nice warm fan removes the moisture from the stumps of their once healthy hands!"

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Mental Health Center Mistakenly Hires Professional Rapist

It came as a surprise to Lincoln Mental Health Center after a long time employee was arrested earlier today..

Doctor Psycho "The Rapist" Gonnarapeya, a reputable therapist was arrested after ten years worth of multiple rape reports against him were uncovered in the local police station's utility closet.

"We always thought it was a joke, a play on words. The word 'therapist' when separated spells out 'the-rapist'. How were we supposed to know these people had actually been raped?"

A spokesman for the local Rape and Abuse Center attacked the Lincoln Health Center for it's gross display of ignorance.

"These victims would come screaming out of Dr. Gonnarapeya's office. Often their clothing was either missing or in shreds. More than one showed signs of bruising and one victim in particular ran out of the office, bleeding profusely with a knife in his neck!"

The health center's administration was confused on how this could possibly happen.

"The occurrence with the blood and the knife happened around Halloween, we thought it was a costume!"

Many of the center's employees praised Ams Gonnarapeya for being a brilliant therapist.

"So many of the young boys he counseled were able to overcome their fears of being judged and openly identified themselves as gay or bisexual. He did a lot to boost their confidence."

Reports show that of the 2,400 teenage boys Gonnarapeya counseled, 99% of them later identified themselves as bisexual, homosexual or as straight men with gay experiences.

Investigations into Dr. Ams' criminal history found that he had three prior convictions for rape. We asked the psychiatric center how they could have possibly overlooked his criminal past.

"When I read his resume, he had both a masters and doctorate as a therapist. He seemed like a perfect professional therapist for the position!"

When our office received Doctor Gonnarapeya's resume we were shocked to see what the man had really written on his resume.

"Degrees: MBA, as the rapist, Doctorate, as the rapist

Professional Titles: the rapist, very professional

Bio: All my friends call me 'Psycho the Rapist'. It's a little joke we have between us. I am very good at what I do. I have had four prior experiences at being the rapist. I can promise you that you will not find anyone more qualified than me in this area. As the rapist, I am the best there is!"

The center's administrator was later diagnosed with dyslexia. She apologized profusely, stating that she always had suffered with dyslexia, often combining separate words as one.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012 

Homeowners association upset about colorless trees.

A local upstate New York man came under fire from his homeowners association yesterday after he fined for his trees not having colorful autumn leaves.

Bylaw 18 on a list of about 4 million other HOA bylaws states the following:

"18. Property owners under HOA control must ensure that the trees located on a tenants lawn be full of color during the fall season. If your trees do not display colorful yellow, orange and red leaves, you will need to dye the leaves in a realistic manner or you will be fined 50 dollars a day for noncompliance."

The owner of the property was unable to comply after the leaves on his trees fell early this season.

"I have no way of putting leaves back on my trees, not to mention the leaves were brown before they fell to the ground. This fine is outrageous as I cannot simply harness the power of nature to regrow all those leaves."

The HOA president, Alphonso Snoodyman had hard words for the homeowner.

"The resident has had ample time to shop at the local Hobby Lobby and buy artificial leaves of autumn colors. All this disrespectful criminal of a man had to do was tie each leaf individual to the trees and make them look natural!"

Alphonso Snoodyman made the local news last year after creating a new bylaw that stated that the snow in all the community's yards must be leveled off at 4 inches. Violators who did not bring their snow to the proper level, while keeping the process looking natural were fined and were forced into foreclosure.

A new bylaw is now in the works allowing the HOA to punish any disobedient residents by executing their firstborn child.

"This is necessary to ensure the beauty of our community."

I'm guessing the homeowners must then bleach the blood of the dead child out of the carpet or face heft fines?

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Justin Bieber Bulimic?

Valuable puke hits stage.
Today a video was released by MSNBC showing pop-star Justin Bieber puking on stage.

Manager Scooter Braun commented on the video.

"Justin had a lot on his plate earlier, some clam chowder, shrimp alfredo, ice cream and milk. The clam chowder may have been undercooked."

Some critics claim that Justin Bieber is fighting an eating disorder, concluding that Bieber is bulimic.

"The first step on the path of recovery for Justin is admitting he has bulimia. Some regular visits to BA, Bulimics Anonymous would help him out a lot."

Justin's mother, Pattie Mallette told us that this has been an ongoing struggle for Justin. At age 12, Justin reportedly weighed 500 pounds.

"He was such a big boy. He kept crushing the chairs in the house. One time he even broke one of the escalators at the Mall of America. That was when he became bulimic."

According to Justin's mom, forcing himself to puke on stage was a new development.

"I always knew he was puking backstage, but on stage, never!"

After the event on stage, Justin was forcibly admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for bulimia. Reports from the hospital state that they have had to superglue Justin's food to his stomach and restrain his fingers.

Ebay has reported that Justin Bieber's puke is selling for $1200 dollars an ounce. Only 4 ounces left!

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Just In! Being Straight is a Choice

Defend marriage, ban heterosexual marriage.
According to a popular organization in southern California being straight is a choice.

According to a popular reparative therapy program for straight men, the act of being straight is not something you are born with.

"We get thousands upon thousands of straight men each year seeking to change themselves."

Research shows that being straight is a mental disorder, most people are born inherently gay.

"We seek to help these men change their lifestyle. The hate and shame surrounding the heterosexual lifestyle is extreme. Places like Somalia and Iran punish straight men with death. Even as we speak, our government is creating a new law condemning straight sex. This is the most repugnant of sexual paraphilias."

Straight rights groups are in an uproar against the discrimination shown towards the heterosexual lifestyle.

"These people use the Bible to condemn us. God loves straight people just as much as gay people. Being straight is not a choice and we refuse to accept the common belief  in the world today."

Many people still remember the horrible crime committed against an openly straight man last year. Luke Sheepstealer was brutally beaten and left to die tied to a fence. The attackers, homosexual, are still at large and are reported to have killed several straight people in the area.


Fat Men Who Breath Heavily

Pollution from average fat mans house.
Reports fresh the EPA show that a new source of pollution has been recently been identified.

According to the report, fat men who breath heavily contribute much more carbon dioxide then the average human being.

"Winter is the worst time of the year for fat men to be breathing heavily. Without the leaves on the trees to convert that carbon dioxide into oxygen, certain sections of the north pole are become supersaturated with the pollutant."

Meteorologists across the country are forecasting temperatures in the north pole to spike into the upper 90s next week as the carbon dioxide concentration produces major greenhouse effects.

The FDA unveiled it's plan to regulate this new source of pollution by retrofitting the mouth and nostrils with carbon dioxide filters for fat men who breath heavily.

"We feel this is a good alternative then our original idea. Taxing fat men who breath heavily would likely garner much money at all as most spend all of their cash on Cheetos and the like."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Monday, October 1, 2012

Applebees takes the bee out.

Applebees has decided to retire a portion of their name. The CEO of the company claims that the name "Applebees" implies that the restaurant chain is infested with insects.

"Starting next week, all stores will shorten their name to 'Appleb' pronounce 'ap-leb'. This is done in part to not anger the corporate giant 'Apple Inc.' We will not be changing our menu and we have never included bees in our recipes."



On an other note, bees across America lined up to protest in front of Appleb's headquarters.

"Beez bu beez bee beez, bumble bee bee ee zee!"

Our translator was on the scene to interpret.

"This is a horrible decision, we demand to be recognized!"


Apple made a statement after the unveiling of the new name.

"We believe the Applebees' new name is on the border of legality. What if Applebees decided to come out with a phone? People would be confused when we unleash our new iPhone, the 'iPhone 6 - Still Using Last Years Technology Edition'.

We would however like to extend our hand in kindness, along with several hundred strings attached. If Applebees pays us five billion dollars annually, they may use our name. This is a generous offer and we hope their CEO agrees."

We were later told that Applebees employees would get a 1% off coupon for the 'iPhone 45 - The We Still Suck Edition'.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

New York Boasts First Pokemon Center

The first Pokemon Center has finally opened! With funding sources throughout the city of New York, construction has finally started!

While most are happy that they will have access to the center whenever they want to heal their Pokemon, the center's sole employee has another opinion.

"I can't believe this is happening. For 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I will be trapped behind a counter. With no food, drink or sleep, and without pay, where is a union when I need one."

Nurse Joy, a popular figure in the Pokemon world, is by far the most oppressed worker on the planet.

"The Pokemon government forces me into this occupation. If I didn't show up for work, they would kill me and my family. That is not to say I am close to my family. As I never come home from work, I never see them. They could be dead already. I never age while I stand behind my counter, it is a horrible life."

Research shows the horrible cruelty that Nurse Joy has suffered. At one time, Nurse Joy forgot to say her perfectly morbid line, "We hope to see you again", implying that she wished harm on your little Pokemon.

"It was so horrible, after years of saying 'We hope to see you again', my voice had just given out. When the Pokemon police found out I had not said my phrase, I was dragged out to the town square. There they beat me and dyed my hair cotton candy pink."

Nurse Joy as a Pokemon government citizen, has none of the protections provided by the United States. She will continue her horrible life at the new Pokemon center.

"You would be surprised how many times I have had an 'accident'. Since I cannot go to the bathroom, if there is actually even one here, I always soil myself. Several customers have complained that I ate their Pokemon when they weren't looking. A girl needs to eat."

As the interview came to a wrap, Nurse Joy shook my hand. As she walked away I noticed she had left a note in my hand.

"Please kill me!"

Apple Maps Clear Winner Over Google

The world of Apple maps.
Today employees at Apple detailed how their map service was superior to Google Maps.

Capital of Germany, Berlin, relocates to Antarctica
"People may say that Apple Maps is garbled and unable to pinpoint certain places. The fact of the matter is that Apple Maps shows the true form of the world. For instance, when you search for New York City, it marks a spot 500 miles north and 1,000 miles into the planet core. While that may seem like an error to most people, our conspiracy consultants tell us that we have been tricked into believing the New York is where we think it is."

"Google is part of the coverup. They know that New York City is not where they say it is. Apple's satellites show us the true setup of the planet."


When geographers questioned Apple Maps for depicting Russia adjacent to Sarah Palin's backyard, the woman herself had something to add to the controversy.


"I always said I could see Russia from my backyard. Thank God that Apple shows us the truth about our planet. If Apple says that Russia is in my backyard, I must concede that I have been indoctrinated to think Russia was across the ocean."

According to Apple Maps, Sarah Palin's house and the country of Russia are located in the inner core of the planet, otherwise known as hell.

When one uses Apple Maps to locate Apple itself, Apple appears to be located at the Sun. Or as Apple explains it, Apple is the sun.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Here Comes Fatty Boo Boo, Hide Your Food!

Yesterday, while visiting my mother, I was told that company would be dining with us.

"They are high society folk. Don't be surprised if you don't grasp all they say, I may have a hard time myself."

I was mildly surprised that my mother, a lady of a certain way, could possibly have invited such prestigious guests.

At about six-fifteen, our reasonably disrespectful guests arrived. My mother and I went out on the deck to greet our visitors, my mother with her lopsided grin, which to my relief covered the fact that she had no teeth, and my hard grimace that was currently cracking my beloved chompers.

Imagine how much damage occurred when our guests happened to be the cast of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". I actually stopped breathing for a minute as I teetered on the edge of oblivion.

Mike Thompson, who is thought to be Honey Boo Boo's father exited the car, his shirt not even attempting to cover his fat blob of a belly.

"Honey, my boogers are pretty large today, a decent snack I guess."

June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo's mother stepped out the car and shook her head at her long-term deadbeat of a boyfriend.

"I told yous to save those for later, if we can get enough we can use them fur condiments. Oh, and have you seen smy bra? Me boobs are a sagging."

Then to my horror, a chubby girl, who could have only been Honey Boo Boo herself, began to slowly slide out from under the wheel well of their car. She very much resembled a slug. It was only my mother's hand on my arm that stopped me from stomping on her.

"Wur he'ar. I'z a hopin' the chow is re'day."

I vomited a little in my mouth as Mike Thompson multi-tasked  talking  and scavenging in his belly button for lint at the same time.

June slapped her husband's hand away and started picking for his lint instead.

"We'za brawt cake, bu'ut Honey Boo Boo got hungray and eated it all."

My mother smiled as she came in for a hug.

"It's no problem, I can always bake one later."

As my mother began leading the Fatson family, as I had taken to calling them into the house, Honey Boo Boo glared at me.

"Dontcha know whos I am? Ima celebity."

I shook my head as a closed the door in her face and activated the deadbolt.

Later in the meal, as the Fatson family continued to insert their face into their food, my mother brought out a bottle of wine.

"I don't know much about wine but this should taste good."

June looked up and laughed as tomato sauce dripped off her forehead.

"We don't need no richy drink, I broughts some moonshine."

I almost, for a moment believe I understood what this degenerate had said.

"Honey, we'al drink that on the way home, wes gots to go, our show is on later."

"Oh yah, our show is on. I feels sooo proud. You knows wer' rich folks now!"

As they rolled out of their chair, my mother groaned as the food that had accumulated on top of Mike's man-boobs hit the floor. I counted at least three large portion in a tidy little pile on top of the wooden floor.

By the time my mother began cleaning the mess up, the two degenerates had managed to creep to the door.

"Wheres my Honey Boo Boo? Maybe we lefta her outside?"

As they opened the door, to my horror, our entire deck was missing. Closer observation showed that Honey Boo Boo had eaten the whole damn thing.

"I got hungray after that stoopid man locked me out her."

My mother and I sighed with relief as the family started driving down the driveway. The relief was short-lived as their car tires blew out in rapid succession.