Saturday, September 8, 2012

Ted Kennedy Rises From the Dead

Earlier this week, after a campaign ad shown at the Democratic National Convention which depicted the late Ted Kennedy, the ground near his grave began shifting. After days of disturbances around his grave site, a hand was seen rising from the ground. Cemetery staff were seen running off the property screaming of zombies. Our news staff was first on the scene. Our staff reported that a man, resembling a   zombified Ted Kennedy was seen stumbling towards the cameramen. As they began backing away in fear of a zombie bite, Ted "The Zombie" Kennedy pulled an old bottle of whiskey out of his rib cage. After they noticed that he was more interested in alcohol that their brains, our correspondent approached Ted while dragging a camera guy behind him.

"Mr. Zombie Kennedy, are you alright? Having you not been getting your monthly haircuts or dental cleanings? (Please click here to see our previous article on Obamacare Covering Dead People)

Zombie Ted looked up at the interviewer and snarled.

"Hey idiot sober guy with a camera, shut the hell up and let me get my drink on."

After several minutes and several whiskey bottles later, "The Zombie" looked up and smiled.

"I have been very happy with my medical treatment. I was the one who threatened Obama to put such an inclusion into ObamaCare. My hair is nice and trimmed, my teeth, the ones that I still have are cavity free. I even had a good colonoscopy last week."

Our correspondent, who was still picking up empty whiskey bottles moved forward to get a closer word, in the process dropping all the bottles... again.

"Then why did you violate the Geneva Convention's ruling that zombies must stay in their graves, seeing as how anything but that is torture to our olfactory system?"

Kennedy paused and grabbed another bottle of whiskey from his rib cage before answering.

"Screw the Geneva Convention. The Republicans break the Convention on 'water-boarding' so I can violate the rules a little bit for zombie freedom. I was summoned by a political advertisement, the Republicans are mad because the Democrats used the words of a deceased man on television. Yes I do have a TV in my coffin, part of ObamaCare."

"So what do you plan to do now that you are in the land of the living?"

"The Zombie" let out a very sticky hackle.

"Well, first, I plan to drive under the influence, causing me to drown several women as my car flies of a bridge into a deep body of water. Then I feel like biting Romney a few times, just to test out his magic Mormon underwear. If he turns into a zombie, like me, then he will be faced with the fact that holy Mormon underwear is a sham. He should have worn the magic bras the Mormon women wear."

Our interviewer kindly handed Mr. Kennedy a Altoid breath mint.

"Your breath smells horrible and without one of these, you will never get anywhere close to Romney. Fresh breath can take you places in this world."

Zombie Ted then asked our entire camera crew to head over to his grave and help him move out. When they returned to where they had left Ted, their van was moved. It appeared that it had been driven right off the road, into the river, wedged next to one of the bridge support beams, with a dead woman floating in the water.

Watching, as they walk back to the station, gives many of us here in the office a good laugh. Using Google maps as a live viewer is new to the entertainment business.

SatireSanity News Corp. 2012

A Brief Interviews of Stupid People

After our previous interview with a man proud of his third grade education, found here, we decide to go out and interview random people on the street.

Our first interview was with a obvious bum name Thad.

Interviewer: So what can you tell us about your time in the city?

Thad: Well, I have had to stop wearing my backpack.

Interviewer: Why? I wear a backpack all the time?

Thad: Every time I go into the library or a store, I am always asked to open my backpack up so they can see inside. The must think I am stealing books or something.

Interviewer: Well, you do look like a serious hobo. People probably think you would steal anything but a toothbrush. Thanks for your time.

We then targeted a man who shined with ignorance.

Interviewer: What do you think about President Obama?

Ignorant Guy: I hate him and his Obamacare.

Interviewer: Why do you hate Obamacare? You do know that you are covered by it, you should qualify easily, most ignorant people do.

Ignorant Guy: Well, I hate Obama cause he is stupid, and I hate Obamacare because he wants to fine me for not getting insurance.

Interviewer: I think the reason behind the mandate was so that as many citizens as possible receive care. The more people receiving preventative care, the healthier the nation will become. It is the people who who don't have healthcare that get ill more often than those who do. And when they get ill, they spread it to others rapidly.

Ignorant Guy: I don't care about any of that, I should have the freedom to say "no"!

Interviewer: So then why aren't you complaining about liability insurance on your car? That is mandatory as well.

Ignorant Guy: That's normal, healthcare is not. Liability insurance if for wimps anyway. I'll never get caught.

We watched Mr. Ignorant walk to his car while drinking from a large bottle of vodka.

It seems that this last man interviewed has no brain to justify mention.

Our last interview of the day came from a lady layered in expensive clothing.

Interviewer: You look well off, what complaints do you have about this country?

Rich Woman: I am mad that Obama Hussein wants to raise taxes on the rich.

Interviewer: Why do you use his middle name? Most people just say his first and last name.

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS wants us to call him that so we never forget he is a Muslim tourist.

Interviewer: You mean a terrorist but I have one more question for you. If the middle class has to pay, let us use an arbitrary number, 15 percent, why should those in the upper 2 percent of the tax bracket have to pay a smaller percentage? If they pay 15 percent should you not also pay the same percentage.

Rich Woman: Hell no, if 15 percent of the average middle class family is about 10 thousand a year, us rich people should have to only pay about 10 thousand year. How is anything fair.

Interviewer: Tax is applied to every dollar you make, therefore if you make 10 million a year you would have to pay a lot more than the average american. How is that wrong?

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS says that it is wrong.

That ended our interviews for the day.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Vice President Biden Posts His Job On Craigslist

Shortly after opening up the offices here at SatireSanity News Corps, our resident slacker came across a Craigslist job opening.

"I was doing my usual, playing World of Warcraft, checking Twitter and Facebook, at the same time. How's that for multitasking, my boss must be proud. Well after I got done defeating this level 85 Ogre-elephant, I decided to get on Craigslist and look for a cheap hooker, you know, the usual. Well, as I was looking in the for sale ads for a fifty year old prostitute, I came across an ad that just stuck out. I looked at it and was fairly surprised to see a listing by vice president Biden. At first I thought I had found out his dirty little secret, him being a hooker is not the surprise I expected."

Man Accused Of Reverse-Shoplifting

Yesterday, at the local JC Pennys, a man was taken into custody for allegedly "reverse-shoplifting". According to the police report, a store associate called the deputies to the store after she witnessed a man opening his backpack and placing what appeared to be his own clothing on the racks.

"He had put tags on the clothing as if it belonged to us."

After the man was taken in to custody he was interviewed by police about what had occurred at the store.

"I was only trying to help JC Pennys out a bit. I mean, have you seen their clothing selections? Horrible! I figured they could use some good looking fashionable clothing on their racks for a change."

The police later revealed to us that this man had a long list of reverse-shoplifting charges.

"Just last week, I responded to a police call from a hair salon. The hair salon that was affected refuses to carry Bed Head products. The defendant went to a nearby hair salon and bought their entire stock of Bed Head including the stand it came on."

According to the hair salon affected by this bout of "reverse-shoplifting", the defendant then stealthily placed the stand and the Bed Head hair products in their shop.

"We were appalled that someone would attack our business in such a disrespectful way!"

After the defendant was release from jail on the JC Pennys case, he was spotted at a local diner taking tips off of one table and placing them on a table somewhere else in the place.

"Since there is technically no law that bans such practices, we have no choice but the release this horrible criminal after a seventy-two hour period."

A manager at the local thrift store, unlike the shops in question, sided with the criminal on this subject.

"We are strong supporters of 'reverse-shoplifting'. If only he would do that here. We are in dire need of fashionable clothing, and we hardly ever get unopened bottles of Bed Head. Quit harassing such an innocent man."

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Paul Ryan Outed as a Gay Liberal.

Yesterday, during the Democratic National Convention, Paul Ryan was caught on his laptop searching gay porn. But that is not the worst of it. According to our informant, Paul Ryan also had been secretly sending fund money to Obama's campaign headquarters.

"I was there in the room when I caught Paul Ryan in the act. First, I saw him wiring money to the Democratic Federal Labor Party. Later that night after viewing many sites depicting male on male action, I saw Ryan posting anonymous comments praising both President Obama and Nancy Pelosi."

When Mitt Romney was informed of Ryan's actions his his face went blank. After awhile of staring off into space, a smile formed on Mitt's lips.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Today marked the beginning of the Democratic National Convention. MSNBC, CNN and various other programming channels such as PBS gave full coverage of this event. 

However, FOX News, up to its old shenanigans, gave mediocre coverage, if you call coverage panning the stadium seats. Not only did they not cover the speeches, they called all in attendance "freaks" and belittled the speakers. Classic ridicule without giving the audience a grounding point. As those watching FOX News did not hear the speakers themselves, they had only FOX to pass judgement for them. 

The Real Reason Republicans Want to Deregulate Wall Street

This just in from our star correspondent, Daniel H. His report comes just after his interview with Karl Rove and cronies. According to Mr. Rove, the push to deregulate is just another election-winning venture.

"If we deregulate Wall Street before Obama's term is up, we just may go into another recession. That way, when Romney wins the White House, he can blame Obama for the financial struggles he will face."

When asked what his point was, Rove shared the following with us:

Monday, September 3, 2012

Credit Card Company Denies Man For Having Perfect Credit Score

Owe Us Money Inc., a credit card company, recently received a complaint from a Minneapolis man. According to the complaint, the man, Geud Kreditson, was denied a credit card because his credit was too good.

SatireSanity News Corp: You claim that you were denied a new credit line with Owe Us Money Inc. Can you share with us what their representative said to you?