Good Samaritan Helps Ohio Man Twice In Eight Years

A man by the name of Gerald, an Ohio resident, has a knack for getting into trouble, of the non-criminal type. Yesterday, after driving home from a meeting with his shrink, Gerald parked his car on the side of the road and walked into the ditch. After several minutes of laying in the ditch, a kind man, known only as the Good Samaritan found Gerald in the ditch.

"He was having a mental breakdown, screaming, making animal noises and weeping without pause. His clothes were torn and frankly indecent."

The Good Samaritan decided to help poor Gerald.

"I forced about 10 Valiums down his throat. While my hand was down his throat, I thought I recognized the teeth that were biting into my forearm."

After Gerald calmed down the Good Samaritan asked if they had ever met before. Gerald recounted an event 8 years ago involving a poor attempt at fishing.

"I remember that event now. I was fishing down by the river when I saw Gerald putting his own hand on his fishing hook. Before I was able to get there, Gerald has tried to cast his line with his hand attached."

The Good Samaritan chastised Gerald about fishing. Obviously the man had no clue how to fish.

"After removing his hand from the hook and bandaging the fish bites on his fingers, I told Gerald that he was not allowed to fish anymore. I banned him, using my authority as a intelligent person."

After the second encounter, Gerald asked his new friend out on a fishing trip. The Good Samaritan was against this idea. The Good Samaritan took Gerald to a local common sense seminar instead.

Stupid People Strike Again: Planet X as Mayan Homeworld

Because I am a nice guy, and never quick to judge people, I often have conversations with stupid people. In truth, stupid people try starting conversations with me. So I decided to interview a man after he attempted to lower my IQ with his meaningless babble.

"I really want to go online and register to use one of those public telescopes."

I was intrigued that the person in front of me would rather do something constructive rather than chop logs and talk about their favorite beer.

"Every 250 thousand years, planet X passes through Earths orbit"

A Brief Interviews of Stupid People

After our previous interview with a man proud of his third grade education, found here, we decide to go out and interview random people on the street.

Our first interview was with a obvious bum name Thad.

Interviewer: So what can you tell us about your time in the city?

Thad: Well, I have had to stop wearing my backpack.

Interviewer: Why? I wear a backpack all the time?

Thad: Every time I go into the library or a store, I am always asked to open my backpack up so they can see inside. The must think I am stealing books or something.

Interviewer: Well, you do look like a serious hobo. People probably think you would steal anything but a toothbrush. Thanks for your time.


We then targeted a man who shined with ignorance.

Interviewer: What do you think about President Obama?

Ignorant Guy: I hate him and his Obamacare.

Interviewer: Why do you hate Obamacare? You do know that you are covered by it, you should qualify easily, most ignorant people do.

Ignorant Guy: Well, I hate Obama cause he is stupid, and I hate Obamacare because he wants to fine me for not getting insurance.

Interviewer: I think the reason behind the mandate was so that as many citizens as possible receive care. The more people receiving preventative care, the healthier the nation will become. It is the people who who don't have healthcare that get ill more often than those who do. And when they get ill, they spread it to others rapidly.

Ignorant Guy: I don't care about any of that, I should have the freedom to say "no"!

Interviewer: So then why aren't you complaining about liability insurance on your car? That is mandatory as well.

Ignorant Guy: That's normal, healthcare is not. Liability insurance if for wimps anyway. I'll never get caught.

We watched Mr. Ignorant walk to his car while drinking from a large bottle of vodka.

It seems that this last man interviewed has no brain to justify mention.


Our last interview of the day came from a lady layered in expensive clothing.

Interviewer: You look well off, what complaints do you have about this country?

Rich Woman: I am mad that Obama Hussein wants to raise taxes on the rich.

Interviewer: Why do you use his middle name? Most people just say his first and last name.

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS wants us to call him that so we never forget he is a Muslim tourist.

Interviewer: You mean a terrorist but I have one more question for you. If the middle class has to pay, let us use an arbitrary number, 15 percent, why should those in the upper 2 percent of the tax bracket have to pay a smaller percentage? If they pay 15 percent should you not also pay the same percentage.

Rich Woman: Hell no, if 15 percent of the average middle class family is about 10 thousand a year, us rich people should have to only pay about 10 thousand year. How is anything fair.

Interviewer: Tax is applied to every dollar you make, therefore if you make 10 million a year you would have to pay a lot more than the average american. How is that wrong?

Rich Woman: FOX NEWS says that it is wrong.

That ended our interviews for the day.

Vice President Biden Posts His Job On Craigslist

Shortly after opening up the offices here at SatireSanity News Corps, our resident slacker came across a Craigslist job opening.

"I was doing my usual, playing World of Warcraft, checking Twitter and Facebook, at the same time. How's that for multitasking, my boss must be proud. Well after I got done defeating this level 85 Ogre-elephant, I decided to get on Craigslist and look for a cheap hooker, you know, the usual. Well, as I was looking in the for sale ads for a fifty year old prostitute, I came across an ad that just stuck out. I looked at it and was fairly surprised to see a listing by vice president Biden. At first I thought I had found out his dirty little secret, him being a hooker is not the surprise I expected."

Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

Stupid Person Doesn't Like People Who Graduated High School

This insanely boring news was brought to our attention here at SatireSanity News Corp. only a few hours ago. A man by the name of Butch was approached by our star reporter, Daniel H, after a commotion occurred outside of a local high school.

When our reporter approached the high school he was hit by a wave of stupidity, radiating from a distinctly ignorant look man-child. He was able to ask Butch a few questions about his protesting outside of the school.

Apple Still Blowing the Whistle

Last week, after the famous court battle between Apple and Samsung finished with Apple being triumphant, Samsung was up in arms about appeal. But it doesn't stop at that.

According to our source at the US patent office, Apple has been getting patents for just about anything. An Apple employee issued the following statement:

"After our win against Samsung, we plan to monopolize the smartphone market with yet another lawsuit. Only this time, it will be against all current smartphone manufacturers."

China's Leader Upset About Rebellion

Today an important story was shared with us from our Chinese correspondent, whose name must be protected but probably won't be. Reports show that China's Paramount Leader, Hu Jintao, has issued an investigation into the rebellious actions of the United States.

"Frankly speaking, Hu Jintao is upset that the States have refused to comply with directives demanded of the nation."

Man still unsure zombies are real.

A man from Fargo, North Dakota is still unsure if zombies are real. After an intense discussion with the city council, he believes that the only way to be safe, one way or another, zombies being real or not, is to barricade the town and hold all visitors in quarantine.

Roz Bombie, head of the city council thinks the suggestion is ridiculous, pointing out that the "zombie" in question was alive during the attack.

The man who suggested the new law, Moe Ofereaxsalot claimed that even if it was a myth, it would protect us in the future when he claims the government will begin trying to reanimate corpses.

The Jar Speaks Out

According to our correspondent, an event occurred at the Dorothy Day Hospitality House in Moorhead, Minnesota. The police were called to the house for what can only be described  as a horrendous crime, a true invasion of privacy.

Obama Finds Hair in Soup

Disturbing news came out of the White House yesterday.

George W. Bush Believes Wife a Target for Terrorism

George W. Bush spoke with me today in an interview about the importance of catching terrorists. He was very adamant when he said that terrorists are discovering new ways to terrorize America.