The Jar Speaks Out

According to our correspondent, an event occurred at the Dorothy Day Hospitality House in Moorhead, Minnesota. The police were called to the house for what can only be described  as a horrendous crime, a true invasion of privacy.

The victim, a small cobalt blue jar of Noxzema, who insists he has a different name, Absalom, called the police late last night after a reported assault occurred. The victim states the he was peacefully sleeping on top of his dresser when a dark shadowy figure, who the victim could only describe as resembling a large french lemon, approached. Absalom told the police that this unknown figure, later identified as Mr. Lamone, took him to the bathroom and violated his most sacred spot, which Windex, Absalom's rival, mockingly calls "a lid". Windex has also been implicated in this crime after it was revealed that Windex informed Mr. French Lemon where the cobalt blue jar was hiding. Absalom was recorded with the following statement:

"It would have been one thing if the assailant had been female seeing as I enjoy romantic dates plastered on the faces of young hot models."

Our reporter asked the bottle how he knew his assailant was male, pointing out that Absalom had not eyes. He revealed to our reporter that "men often have larger pores" and that "there was excessive facial hair" on his assailant. Our reporter then informed him that there were bearded ladies in the world too but Absalom would not listen.

Later in the interview, after Absalom had returned from the bathroom, the camera guy informed the cobalt blue jar that he had toilet paper stuck to his "lid".

"Your ignorance appalls me. Have you never seen a jar wear a scarf?"

Absalom was very adamant that humans neither understand him nor respected him. He told our reporter of a time when Susan Boyle also attempted to misuse him.

"At first I tried to convince her that no amount of beauty products could change her face. But she would not take no for an answer. Lucky for me her fingers were far to stubby for her to open anything!"

As our reporter began to wrap up the interview, Noxzema, aka Absalom, inquired as to what channel his interview would appear on.

With a slight smile and a wink, our reporter smoothly responded, "The Beauty Shopping Network".