Our correspondent, Peter Berg found a disturbing video online today as he was skimming for news of import. The video in question shows in great detail the sex life of Nancy Pelosi, former majority leader of the House. What is very disturbing is her choice of sexual partners. It appears that Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres are both present in the video. This leads to the question of how long Pelosi has been doing this and why she has never informed her constituents of her sexual preferences.
Obama spoke earlier today after the video was leaked.
"What we have here is a gross distortion. I have knowledge provided to me by the CIA stating that the video appears doctored."
House Majority leader, speaker Boehner approached the podium with a deep frown on his face.
"First of all, I am deeply upset. Every time I type my name into Microsoft Word, it auto-corrects my name to 'Boner'. Not funny Billy Gates!
Also, umm... I did not put any of my hair in Obama's soup. Orange juice, yeah, soup, no."
After Boehner was forcible removed from the podium, a large man in a black suit took the mic.
"We have decoded as much of the video as we can and have verified that, in fact, the woman in the film is actually Michelle Bachman."
"You're a Muslim brotherhood spy", shouted a distinctly Minnesotan accented woman from speaker Boehner's entourage.
"Reparative therapy works!" she shouted again.
Later at the press meeting, Nancy Pelosi her self, with a brand new buzz cut approached the podium.
"I plan on retiring. I think Sturgis, South Dakota is calling me."
She scratches her leather chaps and continues.
"I also demand royalties from my sex tape. I mean hell, Stephen Spielberg directed the damn thing! His work is golden."
The crowd grew silent as Nancy Pelosi left the stage, spitting tabaco on the sidewalk, with Rosie O'Donnell wobbling towards her.
We here at the station have no clue what happened nor do we wish to.