Saturday, September 15, 2012
"After months and years of hearing the demands of the people, to see my birth certificate, it is time that I bring a little honesty into this discussion.
I also want to see the real birth certificate. A few months back, I was handed a supposed copy of my certificate from my press secretary. After viewing it myself, I found myself thinking it was the real thing, that is until my wife pointed out a serious flaw."
The reporters for Donald Trump and FOX NEWS fainted and hit the floor, no one feeling the need to catch them.
Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central shouted out to the crowd, "TRUST FALL!" , as several of his entourage attempted to catch him. A tough feat seeing as Daniel was naked and covered in Crisco.
"After examining the document, it dawned upon me that there was no watermark on the document. I also noticed that the document claimed I was Caucasian. Now unless there is a form of reverse-albinism rampant in my family, the document must be false. I demand that my real birth certificate be shown!"
Donald Trump's hairpiece was seen clapping it's hands in approval.
Obama later went on to tell us that he had enlisted the investigative expertise of Trump's hairpiece touting that it has always been the source of "The Apprentice" owner's intelligence.
Donald Trump was caught on camera later firing several employees for not putting enough superglue on his scalp.
"Do you know how much time I have wasted, sending out my people to find that darned clump of hair? I could have been present at that press release. If only my hairdressers had used the proper amounts of glue and duct-tape."
A question was also raised by FOX NEWS later in the day that Obama may in fact be the anti-Christ. Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly had the following discussion about this topic.
"So what you're telling me Anne, you're telling me that we will never find Obama's mother?"
"Bill, if you had been listening you would have heard what I had to say on that. Instead you kept trying to interrupt me. Obama doesn't have a mother because he is the spawn of Satan. Satan in fact may have given birth to him."
"Well Ann, I would think that would have been particularly painful for Satan, kinda like how it happened in the movie 'Junior'. What about sources who say that they actually spoke with Obama's mother?"
"As I said before, Bill, maybe you should get some hearing aids. That woman was not his mother. She was a front, a follower of Satan, charged with caring for the child."
"That sounds a bit like psycho speak to me, but what do I know. The prices of hearing aids can only mean one thing, they serve as a conduit for government mind control."
Obama's press secretary could not be reached for further comment but an aid inside the White House informed us that the President is not dealing well with his findings. She told us that an order was being processed to exhume the body of his mother to take a sample of her DNA, to determine if she was a satanic being or if she really is Obama's actual birth mother.
Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."
Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."
Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.
"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."
"I really want to go online and register to use one of those public telescopes."
I was intrigued that the person in front of me would rather do something constructive rather than chop logs and talk about their favorite beer.
"Every 250 thousand years, planet X passes through Earths orbit"
Monday, September 10, 2012
"Unknown to me, a rapid trend or a widespread epidemic has taken the world by force. More and more individuals are forgetting how to properly go to the bathroom. Many of these people admit that the potty training they received as toddlers was forgotten as they reached their late 40s."