If You’re Going Through Hell, You’re Probably Screwed

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Some people say “if you’re going through hell, keep on moving…”, “…cause you might get out before the Devil even knows you’re there.” Sadly, they are most likely wrong, probably leading you to gruesome death.

Ever since the Devil called ADT and had their newest security system installed, Hell has been increasingly more difficult to traverse. Tourists from across the world will find it nearly impossible to get through the fiery depths without being detected. Say goodbye to your mid-winter trip through the Abyss, you’re going to have to find another place to thaw your tired old bones.

Hell, until recently, was the home to some of the finest hotels and diners. Finding a tour guide was simple, with a couple candles and a cursed travel guide one could easily be transported to a demonic travel agent of their choice. Most visitors visited Hell to roast marshmallow in the fires of the Abyss, the fuel source of the fire, the burning of damned folk adding a very unique flavor.

Some travelers reportedly tried to sneak in while Satan was visiting elsewhere, but with ADT allowing customer to monitor their security system via smartphone, many were caught and found themselves as the main course for the weekly barbeque extravaganza. Some of the smaller visitors, hobbits and dwarves, were added to the Hell-renowned shrimp cocktail platter.

Hotwire.com announced that they would not be refunding any tickets to customers who had planned future trips to the Bottomless Pit stating that any trips to that destination had been clearly labeled as “potential dangerous” and “requiring SPF 666 to ensure survival.”

Google Maps, in an attempt to cheer up the public offered a virtual tour of Hell on their website. Features were added to make it more realistic, certain plug-ins being required to get full functionality.

1. An electric heater with USB connecter for 190.95
2. A buy one, get one free offer on a pound of human flesh, (designed to roast on separately sold heater), to simulate the aroma of Hell for 20.95
3. A CD of some random death metal band screaming incoherently for 10.99
4. Realistic cut-outs of demonic figures for free with an order of 50.00 dollars or more

When purchased altogether, Google reports that the virtual experience is almost indistinguishable from the real. Meanwhile, other more adventurous travel agencies have begun offering any thrill-seeking tourist’s groups of well armed ninjas for protection, arms not included.

“If you’re going through Hell, keep on moving, run freaking fast, if you’re scared run faster, cause you’re not getting out ‘cause the Devil’s got ADT.”

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2012-2013