Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.
Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.
"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."


In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.


Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012