Thursday, November 7, 2013

New Mexico Man Improperly Anal Probed By Local Law Enforcement

Name of anal probe victim changed to prevent further embarrassment.

A New Mexico man has filed a federal lawsuit claiming local police subjected him to 180 improperly administered anal probes as well as 14 unsanitary enemas and 2 off brand applications of anal douche products.

Delwin Eckerton states that his horrible nightmare, which he admits was not really an actual nightmare, began on December 21st, 2012. Police pulled him over while reportedly witnessed attempting to perform wheelies in what authorities described as “clearly impossible for a white van to pull off.”

His attorney, a shady looking man looking man with a fedora, said police officers requested Delwin to exit the vehicle after ramming his van into a metal post. The officer on the scene reportedly witnessed the driver fart very obnoxiously as little white pills began exiting, at rapid speed from his anal cavity. The policeman noted that this would have been less noticeable had the driver not been wearing assless chaps.

Eckerton was taken to the local hospital where doctors on the scene refused to anally probe the man after declaring the offending butt to be a dangerous projectile weapon.

The attorney said his client was taken to another facility where doctors performed nearly two hundred anal probes before realizing that they had absolutely no idea what they doing. In some instances, the anal probes were inserted sideways, upside down, in the victim’s mouth and ears as well as the occasional probes mysteriously disappearing in the man’s colon. 14 enemas were also performed on Eckerton but in each case, hospital staff accidentally used enema kits that had already been used on other patients. The lawsuit also claims that the following the enemas, two anal douche kits were administered on him that were clearly not his preferred brand and that hospital staff had failed to purchase the requested products from 1-800-DOUCHEKITS.

“That’s not my brand!” Eckerton was heard screaming on one occasion.

The lawsuit also claims that proper anal probe procedure was ignored. After aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, the Food and Drug Administration at the request of the aliens provided proper medical instructions for the use of these sensitive probing instruments.

Both local law enforcement and the aliens declined to comment.


Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?
Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Man Enters Treatment for Compulsive Breathing After Astonishing Arrest

After local law enforcement raided the home of a Chicago resident, shocking evidence of what can only be described as a long history of compulsive, unpolluted breathing was uncovered. Among the evidence gathered were some thirty tanks of oxygen, three air purifiers, a humidifier and a most disturbing modification of his central air and heating unit, air filters. The suspect, a long time resident to the neighborhood transformed the otherwise breath-taking vista of pollution and carbon monoxide into an eyesore for the otherwise upstanding asthmatics of the area. Many of the neighbors expressed horror and sometimes hatred while protesting outside the suspect’s home. The occasional sign with words like “God Hates Free Breathers” and “Oxygen Is Sinful” were freely flaunted and unchallenged by most. One of the residents when asked about one of the signs responded by lovingly blowing smoke in the face of a reporter and offering out a free carton of cigarettes, though they most disappointingly turned out to be Pyramids.

“The day my children are exposed to the horrors of the devil and those who fall to the temptation of an easy and effortless breath is the day God sends this country straight to hell.”

Later in the day the suspect was returned to his home after posting bail at the local jail. The police were present to escort him to the door, all the while ensuring that he obeyed the law and did not search for any patch of clear, unpolluted air on the way indoors. Shortly after his return to his home members of the local coal plant workers arrived on the scene to sponsor an anti-pollution safety course. Attendees were encouraged to rid themselves of their inhalers in an attempt to teach a lesson to all compulsive, clean air breathers across the nation.