Saturday, September 29, 2012

Here Comes Fatty Boo Boo, Hide Your Food!

Yesterday, while visiting my mother, I was told that company would be dining with us.

"They are high society folk. Don't be surprised if you don't grasp all they say, I may have a hard time myself."

I was mildly surprised that my mother, a lady of a certain way, could possibly have invited such prestigious guests.

At about six-fifteen, our reasonably disrespectful guests arrived. My mother and I went out on the deck to greet our visitors, my mother with her lopsided grin, which to my relief covered the fact that she had no teeth, and my hard grimace that was currently cracking my beloved chompers.

Imagine how much damage occurred when our guests happened to be the cast of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". I actually stopped breathing for a minute as I teetered on the edge of oblivion.

Mike Thompson, who is thought to be Honey Boo Boo's father exited the car, his shirt not even attempting to cover his fat blob of a belly.

"Honey, my boogers are pretty large today, a decent snack I guess."

June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo's mother stepped out the car and shook her head at her long-term deadbeat of a boyfriend.

"I told yous to save those for later, if we can get enough we can use them fur condiments. Oh, and have you seen smy bra? Me boobs are a sagging."

Then to my horror, a chubby girl, who could have only been Honey Boo Boo herself, began to slowly slide out from under the wheel well of their car. She very much resembled a slug. It was only my mother's hand on my arm that stopped me from stomping on her.

"Wur he'ar. I'z a hopin' the chow is re'day."

I vomited a little in my mouth as Mike Thompson multi-tasked  talking  and scavenging in his belly button for lint at the same time.

June slapped her husband's hand away and started picking for his lint instead.

"We'za brawt cake, bu'ut Honey Boo Boo got hungray and eated it all."

My mother smiled as she came in for a hug.

"It's no problem, I can always bake one later."

As my mother began leading the Fatson family, as I had taken to calling them into the house, Honey Boo Boo glared at me.

"Dontcha know whos I am? Ima celebity."

I shook my head as a closed the door in her face and activated the deadbolt.

Later in the meal, as the Fatson family continued to insert their face into their food, my mother brought out a bottle of wine.

"I don't know much about wine but this should taste good."

June looked up and laughed as tomato sauce dripped off her forehead.

"We don't need no richy drink, I broughts some moonshine."

I almost, for a moment believe I understood what this degenerate had said.

"Honey, we'al drink that on the way home, wes gots to go, our show is on later."

"Oh yah, our show is on. I feels sooo proud. You knows wer' rich folks now!"

As they rolled out of their chair, my mother groaned as the food that had accumulated on top of Mike's man-boobs hit the floor. I counted at least three large portion in a tidy little pile on top of the wooden floor.

By the time my mother began cleaning the mess up, the two degenerates had managed to creep to the door.

"Wheres my Honey Boo Boo? Maybe we lefta her outside?"

As they opened the door, to my horror, our entire deck was missing. Closer observation showed that Honey Boo Boo had eaten the whole damn thing.

"I got hungray after that stoopid man locked me out her."

My mother and I sighed with relief as the family started driving down the driveway. The relief was short-lived as their car tires blew out in rapid succession.


Friday, September 28, 2012

EPA Bans Automobile Tires

Back in 1985, when the year 2000 was the future and 2012 the age of the machines, the EPA helped pass a law. This law that would come into effect in the far future, October 1 2012 it seems.

The bill was called 'Tires Are Not the Future.' This law was setup so that it could not be repealed. The law states the following...

"Today, automobiles rules the streets. As these automobiles get older, they go through many tires. Tires that are threadbare, tires that have blown out. Even some tires changed because the owner didn't like how they looked.

The purpose of this bill is to look into the future and see the effect old tires have on our landfills. And by looking at the future determining when the tire should be phased out.

Several noteworthy scientist and historians agree, by the year 2000 we should expect the flying car. A car that does not need tires. This is the future we will see. You see it in movies, flying cars a fast approaching reality.

Upon passage of this bill, measures will be taken to ensure that it is carried out at it's appropriate time. This bill, being unanimously supported by Congress and signed by the president, will take effect on October 1st 2012.

This bill cannot be repealed until 2022, ten years after it becomes law.

With flying cars a soon to be reality, we anticipate that their will be certain citizens who wish to keep their land-based vehicles. With the time-frame set, we believe we have given these tire enthusiast time to make the change.

No more tires equals less pollution and smaller landfills.

Authored and signed, October 1st, 1985."

Apple Issues a Rare Apology... Again

Yesterday, Apple's CEO Tim Cook offered a rare apology about the new Apple maps feature.

"I hate to do this, as you can see by my photo during the press release. I am forced, by the evil Bill Gates himself, to admit that our new Apple Maps app is downright awful, horrible to be exact. While we must take some of the blame for the new app, it is ultimately Google's fault. They have created a superb service, Google Maps. But because they refused to give us their patent on the program, our service lacks. Google is evil and doesn't want Apple to succeed. Luckily we have a patent on the breathable atmosphere. If I find out that the minds behind Google Maps breathed anything but toxic gases, we will sue."

Still recovering from the shock of Apple's halfhearted apology, today Apple released yet another apology.

"The new iPhone 5 costs us about 180 dollars to make yet we continue to sell it for 649. We realize that this is a 360 percent markup. But we must blame it on Microsoft. Steve Jobs hated Microsoft so much that he demanded all Apple products boast a 360 percent markup to make fun of the Xbox 360. We would like our customers to know that it is Microsoft's fault that Apple is forced to rip you all off."

Surprisingly, Apple fanboys expressed hate towards CEO Tim Cook.

"GO APPLE! It's obvious that Tim Cook is a PC fan. Why else would he lie about Apple? Apple is an honest company with cheap products. Apple may not allow people to upgrade its components, but us Apple fans are rich. Buying a new version of the product is petty change to us. Steve Jobs would have been honest about the company. Apple is awesome! Praise Apple!"

The fanboys then pulled an apple out of one of their bags. They proceeded to prostrate themselves in front of it until one of Apple's Patent police confiscated the apple and had them all arrested.

The video below proves that the iPhone is indeed overpriced junk. Watch it before Apple hacks this site and removes it.

At Tim Cook's private apple orchard I got the chance to interview the man himself.

"Apple is the best I tell you. As a matter of fact, Apple products are selling more than any PC products. The world is mine!! With our patent controlling everything from edible apples to the breathable atmosphere, we are poised to take over the world"

Don't turn to the dark side readers! Resist the cookies they offer you!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Iran Unveils Nuclear Project

After years of of fear regarding Iran's nuclear program, all those fears have been a waste of our time after President Ahmadinejad finally disclosed what was being developed in his facilities.

"What we have to show the UN council is something that we believe will help the entire world. I reveal to you all tonight... the long range nuclear food cooker! With this amazing device, all you need to do is, no matter where you are, what you need to do is turn to where you think your house in relation to you. Be it north, south, or east, west, the Nukem Long Range Cooker will meet your needs!"

Later, Ahmadinejad presented the UN with a promotional video of his product.

"The 'Nukem Long Range Cooker' is so simple to use, just insert a new rod of plutonium... like this, then point and aim at your house. Look at what happens in the kitchen as the 'Nukem' is activated!"

A clip from inside the targeted house shows the audience the interior of a kitchen as a refrigerator starts to melt.

Guest Writer, Robert Morschel

  Deimot Carling, the UK Minister for Transport today announced that the UK would as of January 2013 drive on the right hand side of the road.
“This will pave the way to greater unity with the European Union, as well as strengthen our special relationship with our friends across the pond.” said Mr Carling in a recent interview with Times reporter Mulled Vine.
The details of this landmark announcement, which follows extensive consultations with industry experts, costing the tax payer in the region of 2 million pounds, will be published in a white paper later this week.
Mr Carling was clearly excited about the findings, and hinted that a unique approach was being adopted to ease the transition, but would not say more when pressed, other than to say that the transition would be phased according to engine size, thus avoiding the “big bang” risk of an overnight change.

Bio: Robert Morschel, writer of software in London, and words at

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

thePirateBay Features "Downloadable Satan"

Online sources on Monday confirmed that the popular torrent site thePirateBay recently had a torrent uploaded to their site that claims you can download certain individuals in their entirety.

FILEnetworks, a popular blog that reviews torrent files gave a description of thePirateBay's new service.

"thePirateBay just released a new service that allows the user to download certain individuals. Here is a list of available individuals at the time of this report.

NFL Gives Hires Blind Man as Referee

After last nights game, the Packers versus the Seahawks, a horrible secret about the NFLs hiring practices were revealed.

It came down to the final play, the ball was passed, as it made a beeline for the endzone the crowded went silent.

"As replays would show, Green Bay defensive back M.D. Jennings got two hands on the ball and pulled it to his chest as he fell to the ground. Seattle receiver Golden Tate had one arm on the pass, but clearly did not have control of the ball."

Two referees ran towards the two players, one of the refs who would later call a touchdown was seen rapidly tapping a long stick in front of him as he ran. Reports from the crowd allegedly saw the refs stick poke out one of benchwarmer Sean Eagleman eyes out as he kept on running. Sean Eagleman is the official benchwarmer for the Packers. Fans have no idea why Eagleman was on the fields seeing as he has never once stepped foot on the green even during practice.
The first ref on the scene called it an incomplete pass, while the ref who had just jabbed Eaglemen's eye out called a touchdown. The play was intensively scrutinized after a review was called. Sadly, in the end, the review officials came to the conclusion that the Seahawks touchdown would stand. 

After the stadium had cleared out and the crowds had vacated the premise, Eagleman went to the review officials to complain and ask for medical attention.

"My eye is dangling on my cheek, isn't it? I went and talked to the officials about my eye. When I walked to the office the door was open a crack and I could hear shouting from inside. I stood there and listened to what I can only describe as a "WTF" moment."

"Roger, what if the public finds out about our hiring practices for referees! I told you we were only supposed to have our blind referees step in if the other referees were to be killed by a football."

The player told us that the referee that had called the touchdown was in fact blind.

"He put my eye out with his walking cane, what the hell was he doing on the field!"

Earlier today, CNN correspondents approached the officials, indicating that the secret was out.
"We have no comment other than blind people deserve jobs too, affirmative action assholes"
A dog in referee clothing ran and hid as soon as he saw the CNN camera crew.


Satire Sanity News Corp

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Monday, September 24, 2012

Kanye West Exposed Secret Society Member or Not?

Kanye West Interrupting VMAs.

Kanye West has recently found himself in the spotlight after getting caught initiating a new member into his secret society. Witnesses claim they saw Kanye and another man through a window at the front of the house.

A man, who asked not to be identified spoke to reporters about the incident.

"I was peeping into windows like I normally do when I saw West and this other man. There were candles on the floor and a large stage at the end of the living room."

Part of the initiation involved getting up on the stage, receiving an award only to get interrupted by Kanye West claiming that the 'Best Female Video' should go to him.

"The real winner of this award is me, me and my teeth."

Taylor Swift was quick to condemn Kanye and his secret society.

"The thought that Kanye was trying to initiate me at the VMAs, that's just gross."

Members of the infamous group suspected of robbing celebrities, the "Bling Ring', gave a statement.

"After breaking into Kanye's house last night, we started bagging our loot when our newest member, Taylor Swift found a wig fashioned after her own hair."

Kanye with cross-dressing role model Jay-Z
"I was even more deeply disturbed after I found that wig. Kanye had a whole wardrobe filled with clothing fashioned after mine. His vanity had my brand of makeup all over it. Fake eyelashes, white paste to cover his dark skin color and even a pair of Jimmy Choos that someone stole from the womens dressing room at my studio. I even found a voice modulator engineered to mimic my voice when used. Suffice to say, Kanye is more into dressing like a drag queen then being a member of a secret society." 

After this discovery, the "Bling Ring" became suspicious of Taylor Swift.

"At this point, after seeing all the things Kanye was using to look like Taylor, how can we be sure that the Taylor we brought with us isn't Kanye himself?"

The window peeper whispered from a bush:

"She hasn't interrupted you yet has she, so obviously not Kanye."

Kanye West, you can rest easy tonight. No one thinks you are part of a secret society. Oh and your eyeliner is running.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

In a remote farm town, power-gobbling data farm bring money and controversy

Gobbling Data Farms Come To Town

CNN broke fresh news today about an intrusive data farm in a small farming community. According to the surrounding resident, "Data Farm", the person in question has been downright rude.

"Data Farm and his brother Cow Farm are the newcomers to this town. Cow Farm comes into the town diner, orders his food and refuses to leave a tip. And don't get me started on Data Farm. He was just caught last night digging in someones trash can."

Data Farm is an employee of Microsoft, scouting the area for freshly grown silicon. He stated that he had a perfectly good reason for his actions in the town.

"I am a person of logic. Unlike the normal person, emotions are not present within me. I see everything in 1's and 0's. You can't blame me if I appear to be rude."

Microsoft released a statement today about it's plan on the outskirts of this small farming town.

"The area in question is the perfect place to expand Microsoft's empire. With a fresh new supply of silicon, we can flood the market with our own hardware."

Former CEO, Bill Gates confirmed that one of his oldest dreams, Microsoft producing hardware, would come true.

"Microsoft dominates the market with Windows. With a place in the computer hardware market, we can engineer our next version of Windows to only function on our systems."

Apple later filed suit against Microsoft , stating that they held a patent on proprietary systems.

"Only Apple is allowed to constrain it's customers. If our sycophants see that Microsoft offers the same lack of freedom with it's products it could lead to massive customer loss."

Data Farm told us that if his venture in the town was successful, Microsoft would finally be able to counter the iPhone market by manufacturing it's first "ePhone".

 Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Baby Panda Cub Passes Away, Was Joy While Alive

                                                                           Panda cub dies at Smithsonian's National Zoo

CNN broke the news after a week old baby panda died today.

"The panda knew this was coming. He insisted that he wanted no treatment for his condition, pointing out that the circle of life was to be respected."

"I want my mommy to be happy. With my death, another baby panda will have a chance at life. For every death there is new life."

The panda's attorney was seen counselling his client about his wealth and how the panda wanted it disbursed after his death.

"My client expressed his desire that all his incredible wealth of bamboo shoots go to a good cause. A good portion will be left to his mother and father. The remainder will be donated to a charity of his choice."

The baby panda's mother, Mei Xiang, was tearful when she was asked for a statement.

"He is the joy of my life. It is hard to see him go. He wants to donate his organs as a final gift to some needy panda baby. It breaks my heart that he signed that 'Do Not Resuscitate' order."

Make a Wish foundation took the baby panda to Disney Land so that that he could enjoy his last days.

"I was really excited when I met Mickey Mouse. He gave me a big hug, he almost squished me, as I am only about the size of a stick of butter."

Today as the baby panda came close to death, his mother was heard singing the theme song from Dumbo, 'Baby Mine' as the little cub made his last heartwarming smile as he peacefully left this world.

Rest in peace little panda. You filled our lives with joy in the short time you were with us.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

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Republican Party Attacks UFC

The Republican party recently condemned the UFC after several homophobic congressmen complained about the body contact of the UFC fighters.

"The near nakedness of the participants combined with the full body contact in the ring just offends me. The way they straddle each other just reeks of homosexual overtones."

Larry Craig, former US politician who was caught trying to solicit a police officer took the stage after watching the latest UFC match.

"It offends me to see such blatant contact in the rings. After I was falsely accused of trying to solicit a police officer, this show only increases my insecurity."

UFC fighters released a statement after the story hit the headlines.

"Don't get us wrong, we dislike the homoerotic situations that occur in the ring. We too are insecure about this contact. We have appealed to the organizers of UFC, demanding that we be allowed to wear full-body suits to remedy our insecurity."

The suits suggested would have done nothing in the realm of modesty. If anything, the suits would be even more revealing then the short the fighters wear in the ring.

Several fighters felt the need to release a statement confirming their heterosexuality.

"We are not gay."

Thank you, but we didn't ask.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012
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