Here Comes Fatty Boo Boo, Hide Your Food!

Yesterday, while visiting my mother, I was told that company would be dining with us.

"They are high society folk. Don't be surprised if you don't grasp all they say, I may have a hard time myself."

I was mildly surprised that my mother, a lady of a certain way, could possibly have invited such prestigious guests.

At about six-fifteen, our reasonably disrespectful guests arrived. My mother and I went out on the deck to greet our visitors, my mother with her lopsided grin, which to my relief covered the fact that she had no teeth, and my hard grimace that was currently cracking my beloved chompers.

Imagine how much damage occurred when our guests happened to be the cast of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". I actually stopped breathing for a minute as I teetered on the edge of oblivion.

Mike Thompson, who is thought to be Honey Boo Boo's father exited the car, his shirt not even attempting to cover his fat blob of a belly.

"Honey, my boogers are pretty large today, a decent snack I guess."

June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo's mother stepped out the car and shook her head at her long-term deadbeat of a boyfriend.

"I told yous to save those for later, if we can get enough we can use them fur condiments. Oh, and have you seen smy bra? Me boobs are a sagging."

Then to my horror, a chubby girl, who could have only been Honey Boo Boo herself, began to slowly slide out from under the wheel well of their car. She very much resembled a slug. It was only my mother's hand on my arm that stopped me from stomping on her.

"Wur he'ar. I'z a hopin' the chow is re'day."

I vomited a little in my mouth as Mike Thompson multi-tasked  talking  and scavenging in his belly button for lint at the same time.

June slapped her husband's hand away and started picking for his lint instead.

"We'za brawt cake, bu'ut Honey Boo Boo got hungray and eated it all."

My mother smiled as she came in for a hug.

"It's no problem, I can always bake one later."

As my mother began leading the Fatson family, as I had taken to calling them into the house, Honey Boo Boo glared at me.

"Dontcha know whos I am? Ima celebity."

I shook my head as a closed the door in her face and activated the deadbolt.

Later in the meal, as the Fatson family continued to insert their face into their food, my mother brought out a bottle of wine.

"I don't know much about wine but this should taste good."

June looked up and laughed as tomato sauce dripped off her forehead.

"We don't need no richy drink, I broughts some moonshine."

I almost, for a moment believe I understood what this degenerate had said.

"Honey, we'al drink that on the way home, wes gots to go, our show is on later."

"Oh yah, our show is on. I feels sooo proud. You knows wer' rich folks now!"

As they rolled out of their chair, my mother groaned as the food that had accumulated on top of Mike's man-boobs hit the floor. I counted at least three large portion in a tidy little pile on top of the wooden floor.

By the time my mother began cleaning the mess up, the two degenerates had managed to creep to the door.

"Wheres my Honey Boo Boo? Maybe we lefta her outside?"

As they opened the door, to my horror, our entire deck was missing. Closer observation showed that Honey Boo Boo had eaten the whole damn thing.

"I got hungray after that stoopid man locked me out her."

My mother and I sighed with relief as the family started driving down the driveway. The relief was short-lived as their car tires blew out in rapid succession.