Gun Ban Wouldn't Keep Nerf Guns Off Streets

Identical Nerf Gun with smaller clip

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence published a report today to express grave concern with a proposed gun control law currently being considered by legislative committee. According to the report, if current gun control legislation was passed and enforced it would fail to control guns and fail to protect anyone at all.

Nancy Pelosi was interviewed on "Meet the Press" this morning to comment on the alarming report.

"The proposed gun ban, Protection from Flying Lead Act, would fail to protect citizens from other potentially fatal projectile weapons."

To demonstrate her point she withdrew a large green NERF gun and fired a foam dart into the eye of the now deceased host, David Gregory.

Brandishing the toy gun, she pointed at the corpse on the floor.

"NERF guns are largely overlooked by the American people as weapon capable of deadly force. The NRA has successfully for many years, downplayed the lethal force capable of these weapons. Another huge issue with guns such as these is directly related to the large amount of ammo they can carry. The NERF gun I am holding is capable of holding over 15,000 projectile darts. I could kill everyone in this studio with ease."

The NRA was quick to point out that Pelosi's public act of homicide was in fact an act of defense.

"Pelosi's actions should in no way prove the validity of gun control. Meet the Press host, David Gregory, was obviously a threat to her well-being as can be witnessed by the way in which he was eating his Skittles, doing so in such a way as to put Pelosi's life in immediate danger."

David Gregory was only eating blue Skittles which contain a food dye lethal to Ms. Pelosi.

No charges have been filed in the death of David Gregory but the manufacturer of Skittles has been ordered to cease production of it's popular bite-sized candies.

Nancy Pelosi also revealed the dangers of squirt guns after she reportedly blinded her next door neighbor's son who was witnessed running from her backyard with an empty carton of eggs. Pelosi was seen comforting the mother at the hospital.

"Obamacare should cover this."

To date, only one death has been caused by NERF guns, the death of David Gregory.

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2013

Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.

Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.

Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Heidi Heitkamp Guilty of Singing a Different Tune

Heidi Heitkamp is running for a U.S congress position, against Rick "Lettuce" Berg. Heidi has always been well known for singing songs while on the campaign tour. Last night, she was interviewed on MSNBC by well known host, Rachael Maddow. During the interview, Heidi was caught singing the newest hit song by Justin Bieber, "Boyfriend".

After the interview, Heidi's rival, Rick "Lettuce" Berg released a statement.

"I am very disappointed with Heidi. She is singing a different tune, she is clearly pulling a fast one on the voters."

Rick "Lettuce" Berg's office later issued a complaint about Heidi's change of tune.

"Heidi gained support last year after she was caught singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Combined with her talented voice and her song of choice, Heidi won the support of many. Yesterdays change of tune shows us the real Heidi. If elected, she will sing Justin Bieber songs instead of fighting to lower taxes and abolish Obamacare."

Heidi Heitkamp denounced the complaint as "frivolous" pointing out that Rick "Lettuce Berg had changed from singing church hymns to blatantly singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".

"If anyone should be under suspicion, it should be Berg. He is using Lady Gaga's song to justify his arrogance and lack of respect for social issues."

Debates on this subject have caught the internet in a wild fire.

Can you guess what we are singing here at the office?

Please stay tuned for any changes in the candidates singing choices.
 

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

Obama Demands to See His Birth Certificate

Today at a press meeting at the White House, President Obama expressed his displeasure with the decreasing lack of demands to see his real birth certificate.

"After months and years of hearing the demands of the people, to see my birth certificate, it is time that I bring a little honesty into this discussion.

I also want to see the real birth certificate. A few months back, I was handed a supposed copy of my certificate from my press secretary. After viewing it myself, I found myself thinking it was the real thing, that is until my wife pointed out a serious flaw."

The reporters for Donald Trump and FOX NEWS fainted and hit the floor, no one feeling the need to catch them.

Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central shouted out to the crowd, "TRUST FALL!" , as several of his entourage attempted to catch him. A tough feat seeing as Daniel was naked and covered in Crisco.

"After examining the document, it dawned upon me that there was no watermark on the document. I also noticed that the document claimed I was Caucasian. Now unless there is a form of reverse-albinism rampant in my family, the document must be false. I demand that my real birth certificate be shown!"

Donald Trump's hairpiece was seen clapping it's hands in approval.

Obama later went on to tell us that he had enlisted the investigative expertise of Trump's hairpiece touting that it has always been the source of "The Apprentice" owner's intelligence.

Donald Trump was caught on camera later firing several employees for not putting enough superglue on his scalp.

"Do you know how much time I have wasted, sending out my people to find that darned clump of hair? I could have been present at that press release. If only my hairdressers had used the proper amounts of glue and duct-tape."

A question was also raised by FOX NEWS later in the day that Obama may in fact be the anti-Christ. Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly  had the following discussion about this topic.

"So what you're telling me Anne, you're telling me that we will never find Obama's mother?"

"Bill, if you had been listening you would have heard what I had to say on that. Instead you kept trying to interrupt me. Obama doesn't have a mother because he is the spawn of Satan. Satan in fact may have given birth to him."

"Well Ann, I would think that would have been particularly painful for Satan, kinda like how it happened in the movie 'Junior'. What about sources who say that they actually spoke with Obama's mother?"

"As I said before, Bill, maybe you should get some hearing aids. That woman was not his mother. She was a front, a follower of Satan, charged with caring for the child."

"That sounds a bit like psycho speak to me, but what do I know. The prices of hearing aids can only mean one thing, they serve as a conduit for government mind control."

Obama's press secretary could not be reached for further comment but an aid inside the White House informed us that the President is not dealing well with his findings. She told us that an order was being processed to exhume the body of his mother to take a sample of her DNA, to determine if she was a satanic being or if she really is Obama's actual birth mother.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Romney Weighs In On The Issues

During a debate hosted by our news corp last night, we had the chance to ask Romney and Obama several questions. Please keep in mind, that like all politicians, they often avoid answering certain points.

"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."

Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."

Vice President Biden Posts His Job On Craigslist

Shortly after opening up the offices here at SatireSanity News Corps, our resident slacker came across a Craigslist job opening.

"I was doing my usual, playing World of Warcraft, checking Twitter and Facebook, at the same time. How's that for multitasking, my boss must be proud. Well after I got done defeating this level 85 Ogre-elephant, I decided to get on Craigslist and look for a cheap hooker, you know, the usual. Well, as I was looking in the for sale ads for a fifty year old prostitute, I came across an ad that just stuck out. I looked at it and was fairly surprised to see a listing by vice president Biden. At first I thought I had found out his dirty little secret, him being a hooker is not the surprise I expected."

Paul Ryan Outed as a Gay Liberal.

Yesterday, during the Democratic National Convention, Paul Ryan was caught on his laptop searching gay porn. But that is not the worst of it. According to our informant, Paul Ryan also had been secretly sending fund money to Obama's campaign headquarters.

"I was there in the room when I caught Paul Ryan in the act. First, I saw him wiring money to the Democratic Federal Labor Party. Later that night after viewing many sites depicting male on male action, I saw Ryan posting anonymous comments praising both President Obama and Nancy Pelosi."

When Mitt Romney was informed of Ryan's actions his his face went blank. After awhile of staring off into space, a smile formed on Mitt's lips.

Today marked the beginning of the Democratic National Convention. MSNBC, CNN and various other programming channels such as PBS gave full coverage of this event. 

However, FOX News, up to its old shenanigans, gave mediocre coverage, if you call coverage panning the stadium seats. Not only did they not cover the speeches, they called all in attendance "freaks" and belittled the speakers. Classic ridicule without giving the audience a grounding point. As those watching FOX News did not hear the speakers themselves, they had only FOX to pass judgement for them. 

The Real Reason Republicans Want to Deregulate Wall Street

This just in from our star correspondent, Daniel H. His report comes just after his interview with Karl Rove and cronies. According to Mr. Rove, the push to deregulate is just another election-winning venture.

"If we deregulate Wall Street before Obama's term is up, we just may go into another recession. That way, when Romney wins the White House, he can blame Obama for the financial struggles he will face."

When asked what his point was, Rove shared the following with us:

Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

China's Leader Upset About Rebellion

Today an important story was shared with us from our Chinese correspondent, whose name must be protected but probably won't be. Reports show that China's Paramount Leader, Hu Jintao, has issued an investigation into the rebellious actions of the United States.

"Frankly speaking, Hu Jintao is upset that the States have refused to comply with directives demanded of the nation."

Nancy Pelosi Leaks Sex Tape

Our correspondent, Peter Berg found a disturbing video online today as he was skimming for news of import. The video in question shows in great detail the sex life of Nancy Pelosi, former majority leader of the House. What is very disturbing is her choice of sexual partners. It appears that Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres  are both present in the video. This leads to the question of how long Pelosi has been doing this and why she has never informed her constituents of her sexual preferences.

Obamacare Reportedly Covers Dead People

Yesterday, after wrapping up my interview with awesome, charitable Dick Cheney, I looked over the extensive recording of the interview. Being as it lasted about 5 hours recording Dick Cheney's humble self, I fell asleep within 30 seconds of his energetic talk. It appears that after Dick Cheney realized I was asleep, he began saying truthful things that the radical left would call propaganda.

Obama Finds Hair in Soup

Disturbing news came out of the White House yesterday.

George W. Bush Believes Wife a Target for Terrorism

George W. Bush spoke with me today in an interview about the importance of catching terrorists. He was very adamant when he said that terrorists are discovering new ways to terrorize America.

Mitt Romney Not Sure What Mormonism Is

Last Saturday, our chief correspondent, Daniel Hines, got a chance to speak with republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. After the candidate shared with us that he had no idea why he was running for president, Daniel asked Mitt about his proclaimed religion, Mormonism. The look on his face was one of confusion and terror.