Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.

Heidi Heitkamp Guilty of Singing a Different Tune

Heidi Heitkamp is running for a U.S congress position, against Rick "Lettuce" Berg. Heidi has always been well known for singing songs while on the campaign tour. Last night, she was interviewed on MSNBC by well known host, Rachael Maddow. During the interview, Heidi was caught singing the newest hit song by Justin Bieber, "Boyfriend".

After the interview, Heidi's rival, Rick "Lettuce" Berg released a statement.

"I am very disappointed with Heidi. She is singing a different tune, she is clearly pulling a fast one on the voters."

Rick "Lettuce" Berg's office later issued a complaint about Heidi's change of tune.

"Heidi gained support last year after she was caught singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Combined with her talented voice and her song of choice, Heidi won the support of many. Yesterdays change of tune shows us the real Heidi. If elected, she will sing Justin Bieber songs instead of fighting to lower taxes and abolish Obamacare."

Heidi Heitkamp denounced the complaint as "frivolous" pointing out that Rick "Lettuce Berg had changed from singing church hymns to blatantly singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".

"If anyone should be under suspicion, it should be Berg. He is using Lady Gaga's song to justify his arrogance and lack of respect for social issues."

Debates on this subject have caught the internet in a wild fire.

Can you guess what we are singing here at the office?

Please stay tuned for any changes in the candidates singing choices.
 

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.