Saturday, September 22, 2012

Ohio Woman Happy She Did Not Unknowingly Marry Brother

After first learning the truth about her marriage with her deceased husband, revealed as her biological fatherValerie Spruill was able to bring positive light to the subject.

"While I did accidentally marry my father, I must be happy that I did not accidentally marry my brother."

Valerie never met her father while she was a child. She was separated from her biological family at a young age. Valerie believes that when she met her father as a young woman, neither of them had any knowledge of the relation.

Tiny Homes Hit the Big City

Just in from CNN is the following report.

Tiny Homes Hit the Big City

CNN failed to report the truth on this article. Only we here at Satire Sanity have learned to read between the lines.

An airline pilot for American Airlines reported see dozens of tiny homes lifting off of their foundations.

"The homes flew through the sky towards downtown Chicago. I watched in horror as the tiny ghetto homes flew right into the Sears Tower, bursting into wooden shrapnel."

The homes did very little damage to the tower as they were in pitiful shape to begin with.

 The FBI is investigating the rise of suicide rates rampant in tiny ghetto homes across America.

The last known report of a flying house was during the filming of the Wizard of Oz. The home in question killed a woman while leading it's infamous witch hunt. No charges were ever filed against the Kansas home.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012
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Friday, September 21, 2012

Mishap After Shuttle Endeavor Flies Over Los Angeles

During what was was called the Space Shuttle Endeavor's "Victory Lap", thousands of people witnessed as a bird landed on top of the shuttle causing the shuttle to shimmer and ripple in the air.

"For a second there, it looked like an alien spacecraft, it was like the image of the shuttle wavered for a second."

"The bird disturbed what appeared to be a hologram."

A deep green spacecraft was momentarily seen by the public, causing mass panic as the realization that aliens truly existed wracked their minds.

"I can't believe the government thought it was wise to transport a distinctly alien vessel camouflaged as a space shuttle. Are we helping the aliens or did we find this spacecraft?"

A representative at NASA released the following statement.

"We believe that an anomaly occurred in the atmosphere, momentarily making the Shuttle Endeavor appear as something other than it was. It was an optical illusion caused by reflection of sunlight off of a previously unknown layer of the atmosphere. We must stress that their are no aliens. Out of all the trillions of stars out there, are we unreasonable to assume we are the only species in the universe? No, we are not unreasonable."

Many photos were taken of this odd "phenomena", but because the government ONLY wants to makes us feel safe, the FBI has been detaining anyone with the photos. They are not destroying the pictures because they are real, but to protect us feeble-minded citizens from believing otherwise.

Know that you are safe America, would the government ever lie to you?  

Dollar Tree Changes It's Popular Slogan

Dollar Tree: Everything's a Dollar, the current slogan of Dollar Tree is in the process of being reinvented. Dollar Trees COO, Stephen W. White, announced the upcoming change last Monday.

"Dollar Tree is a well known name. I think we can safely change the slogan now that most everyone around the nation is familiar with it."

The reasons behind the change are considered a secret. At a donor meeting yesterday, unknown to Stephen W White, the event was being recorded.

"We here at Dollar Tree have gone through decades of the same annoying question, 'How much does this cost'? Since our slogan is magically wiped from our customer's brain when they pass through the entrance doors, we have came up with a new slogan. We are providing our employees with the necessary tools to facilitate our new slogan.

Dollar Tree: We WILL kill you if you ask how much 'this' is..."

Dollar Tree store employees across the country are overjoyed by the change. Sarah Palin, a manager at a local store in Alaska, and Michele Bachmann, Palin's assistant manager, both released the following statement.

"All of our employees are quite excited to see their new store issued automatic firearms. The employees get to carry AK-47s while we as store management are allowed to wield freshly polished Uzi's. Watch out forgetful customers, we are eager to play with our new toys."

The NRA made the news also after making a large donation after Dollar Tree's announcement.

Man Refuses To Obey Stop Sign, Says Octogon Never Taught In Preschool

Police arrested a heavyset man today after they reportedly saw him run through every stop sign in town. Police tell us that the fat man in question has a relatively low IQ, slightly higher than his shoe size and is ignorant of many things that require logical thinking.

"The defendant claims that stop signs mean nothing to him. His lawyer is not letting us near the obese bag of flesh so we do not know why the defendant couldn't possible recognize the stop sign."

The police are also confused as to why the fat man needed a lawyer as they where only handing him a traffic ticket.

After repeated attempts to get in contact with defendant, we stalked the heavyset man through town until he stopped at the local McDonald's. Our undercover reporter, Daniel, entered the store in an attempt to speak to the fat fool. After the fat man ordered 5 big macs and a 4 large fries our reporter approached the mass of blubber with a large fry as bait.

"I was never taught about that shape on the stop sign as a fat child. In fact, they only taught us circle and square. I hear there are more shapes but that's where I stop knowing stuff."

According to Peter Griffin's slightly more mentally challenged brother, his ignorance excused him from traffic laws.

"Whatever shape is on the stop sign, if I don't know it how am I supposed to react."

The fat man's lawyer later appealed to the judge that his client be considered medically stupid with complications stemming from McDonald's.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Follow on Twitter for minute to minute updates! Has No Respect For It's Members

WebRing has recently come under fire from enraged bloggers, claiming that WebRing is adding unauthorized content to their sites.

"I went to my blog this morning and my page was in chaos. The navigation bar that WebRing requires on member sites had been altered from it's vertical view in the left sidebar to a horizontal view that stretched over my blog content."

"Unauthorized by me, WebRing has added this 'Power Surf Bar' at the bottom of my blog. Not only does this require redirecting my blog viewers to a WebRing server, but it messes with the code in my navigation bar."

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dear Readers, An Apology

My day has been quite busy. I am trying to line up my affairs for October because I am moving to a new apartment! Expect new content tomorrow!

Thank you friends,


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Excessive Flatulence Causes 50,000 Dollars Damage to Chicago Home

The fire department was called after smoke was allegedly seen coming from a home in the Chicago area. Witness say they saw what appeared to be a large green cloud rolling out of the back of the two story house.

"At first I could smell it. It was extremely foul, but after a few minutes of searching for the source, my sense of smell shutdown."

"We were walking in the neighborhood when we saw green smoke rolling out of a house. It smelled like death, freshly cooked bird, and melting metal."

When the fire department arrived on the scene, the residents of the home were seen fleeing their residence.

After the situation was assessed and under control the fire chief approached our camera team and made a statement.

"Luckily everyone made it out alive. They suffered minor injuries to their sense of smell but are otherwise alright. The only loss of life apparent was that of a flock of geese who flew through the smoke cloud. They dropped dead almost immediately."

Chicago's city manager released a statement blaming the sewer system.

"The sorry state of our sewer is to blame. After the upstairs toilet was flushed, a reaction occurred in the piping. The toilet began expelling methane gas. This led to the toilet melting through the floor and ultimately destroying several sections of the house and it's foundation."

Safety experts began putting out fliers pleading with homeowners to buy methane detectors.

"If your bowel movements can cause such horrible reactions, it is better to be safe than sorry. Installing a methane detector in your home's bathroom can alert you before you flush a potentially toxic bowel movement. Help us save lives."

The homeowners stated that no one in the house has toxic bowel movements.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Heidi Heitkamp Guilty of Singing a Different Tune

Heidi Heitkamp is running for a U.S congress position, against Rick "Lettuce" Berg. Heidi has always been well known for singing songs while on the campaign tour. Last night, she was interviewed on MSNBC by well known host, Rachael Maddow. During the interview, Heidi was caught singing the newest hit song by Justin Bieber, "Boyfriend".

After the interview, Heidi's rival, Rick "Lettuce" Berg released a statement.

"I am very disappointed with Heidi. She is singing a different tune, she is clearly pulling a fast one on the voters."

Rick "Lettuce" Berg's office later issued a complaint about Heidi's change of tune.

"Heidi gained support last year after she was caught singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Combined with her talented voice and her song of choice, Heidi won the support of many. Yesterdays change of tune shows us the real Heidi. If elected, she will sing Justin Bieber songs instead of fighting to lower taxes and abolish Obamacare."

Heidi Heitkamp denounced the complaint as "frivolous" pointing out that Rick "Lettuce Berg had changed from singing church hymns to blatantly singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".

"If anyone should be under suspicion, it should be Berg. He is using Lady Gaga's song to justify his arrogance and lack of respect for social issues."

Debates on this subject have caught the internet in a wild fire.

Can you guess what we are singing here at the office?

Please stay tuned for any changes in the candidates singing choices.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

New York Native Dives Into Pile Of Adult Videos To Collect Data

Kimberly Matthews is attempting a feat that no one has attempted before.

After a local adult bookstore reported that their warehouse full of precariously stacked adult videos collapsed onto the factory floor, Kimberly's interest was sparked.

"I have been informed that the naughty videos add up to over a million. That makes a very large pile. It gives me a chance to investigate a scientific question, do adult films weigh more than normal DVDs?"

The bookstore agreed to the experiment on the condition that Kimberly does not open any of the cases.

Today after the warehouse opened, Kimberly was seen readying herself for the experiment. We took notice of a large oxygen tank, a box of Trojans, baby wipes, and a small household scale.

We watched in awe as Kimberly climb the nearest shelf, about twenty feet of the ground. The warehouse staff held their breath as she elegantly dived into the pile. After about thirty minutes of horrible adult film music, the pile began to shift. After an hour or so, the technician on the site declared that Matthews oxygen tank would soon be depleted. The warehouse crew began to clear the DVDs away carefully. As they cleared, parts of Kimberly were uncovered. She was in a sorry state.

Paramedics appeared on the scene and began to attempt resuscitation. After a few minutes of this treatment Kimberly came to.

"The weight of the DVDs almost overwhelmed me. I would have thought they would have weighed no more than worthless fluff. It was like each DVD was playing in my head. But I have discovered something very important, adult videos are hazardous to your health."

When asked if the videos weigh more than an average pile of normal movies Kimberly informed us that she had yet to test the weight of normal DVDs.

"As to if I will do the next experiment, I think I will need time to recuperate. I believe that DVDs like 'The Godfather' and other great movies of the past will weigh much more, crappy films like 'I Am Number 4' and the box set 'Heroes' should weigh significantly less."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Monday, September 17, 2012

Good Samaritan Helps Ohio Man Twice In Eight Years

A man by the name of Gerald, an Ohio resident, has a knack for getting into trouble, of the non-criminal type. Yesterday, after driving home from a meeting with his shrink, Gerald parked his car on the side of the road and walked into the ditch. After several minutes of laying in the ditch, a kind man, known only as the Good Samaritan found Gerald in the ditch.

"He was having a mental breakdown, screaming, making animal noises and weeping without pause. His clothes were torn and frankly indecent."

The Good Samaritan decided to help poor Gerald.

"I forced about 10 Valiums down his throat. While my hand was down his throat, I thought I recognized the teeth that were biting into my forearm."

After Gerald calmed down the Good Samaritan asked if they had ever met before. Gerald recounted an event 8 years ago involving a poor attempt at fishing.

"I remember that event now. I was fishing down by the river when I saw Gerald putting his own hand on his fishing hook. Before I was able to get there, Gerald has tried to cast his line with his hand attached."

The Good Samaritan chastised Gerald about fishing. Obviously the man had no clue how to fish.

"After removing his hand from the hook and bandaging the fish bites on his fingers, I told Gerald that he was not allowed to fish anymore. I banned him, using my authority as a intelligent person."

After the second encounter, Gerald asked his new friend out on a fishing trip. The Good Samaritan was against this idea. The Good Samaritan took Gerald to a local common sense seminar instead.

Teen Charged With Attempting To Blow Bubbles At Chicago Bar

Adel Daoub was charged yesterday for allegedly blowing bubbles at a local Chicago bar. City law enforcement claims that a call came in after Mr. Daoub was caught blowing bubbles inside a reputable Chicago bar.

"We were disturbed when we arrived on the scene. The man in question was blowing bubbles very close to the bar's ornate wallpaper. The owner feared for his life as the bubble came in contact with the expensive wall coverings."

Owner Steve Edwards was interviewed later at the police station.

"The jerk was trying to destroy the wallpaper. I feared for my life, what if he turned his bubbles on me?"

Adel Daoub was charged with possession of a bubble blower of mass destruction and for attempting to damage and destroy priceless wallpaper with damaging bubbles. He is currently being held on a 10 million dollar bond.

British Royals Upset About Topless Photos.

People magazine reported that the British Royal Family issued a complaint to social media outlets after topless photos of Kate, Prince Williams wife, received little to no attention.

"We are upset that these photos have not turned viral."

After Kate sent her photos to the local tabloid, she became enraged when she was told that the photos were useless.

Kate later reportedly posted on YouTube a video of the topless pictures, as a slideshow. She was later seen running through Buckingham Palace screaming. Husband William felt inclined to make a statement.

"My Kate is upset because her video has only had one view."

YouTube found out about the video when the one viewer had flagged it as "nasty".

"We had no choice but to remove that video. It is regrettably that we had to take such actions."

The Royal Family later released a statement condemning YouTube for it's censorship.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Thousands of 'Striking' Teachers Rally In Chicago

Thousands of striking teachers rally today in Chicago. After getting denied by the city a permit for their annual 'Striking Teachers Bikini Parade', thousands of beautiful teachers flocked to the streets to hold the event anyway.

Reverend Jesse Jackson was one of several speakers who spoke today at the the event.

"This is a protest held by several gorgeous teachers of Chicago. The leaders of this rally are tired of being treated wrongly by school officials."

The board of education denounced the parade as a distraction for thousands of school children.

"We neither condone nor support this rally. We will maintain our policy of treating these teachers as ugly individuals."

Many residents across the nation believe this a true turning point for beautiful teachers across the nation.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012