Saturday, October 13, 2012

Ryan Attempts to Win Votes, Stripper Style

His ears are growing, he trims the nose.
After several days of campaigning in Ohio, Paul Ryan drew the anger of democratic residents after attacking the Obama policies.

"Obama has done nothing to restrain China. Two million jobs, American jobs, have been handed to China on a silver platter. Obama's policy on trade relations with the Peoples Republic have failed."

From the crowd, voices turned angry and hostile.

"Now I came here today suspecting opposition, and let me tell you folks, you're a brainless bunch. Romney will not send any jobs to China, he never will, and never has!"

When the crowd began to loudly object, Ryan enacted what moles in the Ryan team refer to as nefarious plan "B."

Ryan removed his Android from his shirt pocket and began dancing provocatively to the sound of club music. As he began to remove his clothes, the entire crowd was heard dialing 9-1-1.

After Ryan was arrested for public nudity, the chief of police gave a solemn statement.

"Ohio law prohibits acts of nudity in public, exotic dancing or not. Scaring the public in the way he did was immoral and unlawful."

Hardcore Romney supporters still plan on supporting the candidates regardless of their actions.

"Like I said before, Romney and Ryan will get my vote no matter what. I hate Obama so what other choice do I have? Ryan may be a dirty sex offender but I would rather have that in office than Obama."

As to whether or not they would still vote that way if Romney and Ryan charged with the mass murdering children, well... we got the same answer.  

 Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

--Fact Check--

"Obama campaign spokesman Danny Kanner wrote in a statement: “Congressman Ryan’s tough rhetoric can’t hide the fact that Mitt Romney will never crack down on China’s cheating – just look at his record. When President Obama stood up to China on behalf of American tire workers, Romney called it ‘decidedly bad for the nation.'"

Source: NBC News

--End of Fact Check--

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Microsoft Unveils New Operating System, Apple Attempts to Keep Up

Microsoft's New Operating System
Microsoft, founded in 1975, has a reputation in the operating system world. With the advent of Windows and Office, Microsoft set itself solidly in the concrete of the computer world.

Windows 3.1, 95, 98, Windows ME, 2000, XP, Vista and the current Windows 7 have all made their mark in history. Microsoft has created good software and extremely bad software. With Windows 8 on the horizon, many wonder if the rumors of change are true.

"Microsoft is doing something different this time. Not only are we improving on the operating systems of the past, we are changing the dynamic way this new version will run."

Microsoft has kept all the technical information secret but we do finally have a official name to go by. Leaving the path of familiarity, Windows is poised to take a nosedive into the software graveyard.

"The Windows brand will be discontinued. We believe the concept of fashioning our system from that of a window is outdated. It is time for us to begin fashioning our programs after other housing features.

Today we introduce, Microsoft Doors 1.0!

With a new concept, Microsoft will further expand it's vast empire!"

Apple, unwilling to be seen as behind-the-times, (even though they are), also introduced it's new line of upcoming computers.

Apple Inc. as Banana Inc.
"Microsoft will not outdo us. Apple is planning on changing the company name. We will be forever known as 'Banana!"

Banana is currently trying to figure out how the new computers should look, if the design should resemble a banana or just look like a regular computer.

A source from inside Banana has confirmed sneaking suspicions that the company plans to take their technology back to the 80s.

"They think that if they wish to be successful, they will have to go back to their roots. This means restarting the company using 1977 technology and horribly small screens."

The oldest, most insignificant, fanboys love it!
Market analysts believe that they will use the same tactic that it uses with those who impatiently await the new iPhone 6.

"They will start off the line of new Banana computers with obsolete technology, promising to provide state of the art specs several years down the road. Apple, now Banana fanboys will wait with cult-like loyalty until their elderly years as Banana promises they will one day finally introduce an accessory called the 'CD-ROM."

The new/obsolete Banana computer retails at the awesome low price of 2,000 dollars. The specs are amazing and are as follows:

  • cassette interface available to storage space
  • State of the art 5.25-inch floppy drive not included but can be purchased for 1,000 dollars
  • 1 MHz processor
  • 9 inch built-in monochrome screen
  • 4k of RAM
  • A fake piece of cardboard that has a picture of a keyboard on it
Looks like a fine computer to me, at least Banana did not retail it at 666.66 dollars like they did with the first Apple.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Mother Still Mad After 10 Years

Rebellious child cleaning without permission!
A mother posted an article on her blog last week after 10 years of pent-up anger finally put her over the edge.

"My son, who I have recently disowned, continues to piss me off. I remember the night like it was yesterday."

Ten years ago, Carol, as usual was sitting on the computer. Arguing like she always did with other women about virtues of motherhood, Carol was unsuspecting about what was happening in her own kitchen.

Her then 15 year old son, James, was in the kitchen, rebelliously doing the dishes. He was always known for making his mom sit on the computer while he did all the housework.

"My mom always told me to go outside and stuff. I never listened to her."

James had regularly disobeyed his mother. With her son always in trouble, Carol was forced to do what she had always secretly hated, chat on her computer.

"I would tell that bastard to not clean his room, and what would he do? He would clean it anyway!"

Today, James, without lingering fear of his mother is very quick to give his opinion regarding her.

"I hated her, she always would beats me when I cleaned the house. It was always, 'Why are all these dishes clean!?' and 'Why can't you be dirty like all the normal children?' At that point I was thinking of running away, the abuse was getting severe."

According to Carol's son, his step-dad, Jim, threatened him with a pistol after these events occurred. When he discovered that James had not stolen any of his mother Dr. Peppers, Jim went over the edge.

"He started looking through my room, already yelling because it was clean. Then he came out and kicked my feet out from under me. I guess he was pissed that he didn't find any empty cans hidden in my closet."

James ran away that night, getting away from the abuse and chaos. His parents would later be charged with child abuse. It wasn't until James was 21 that he found out the charges had been dismissed years earlier.

"The presiding judge in my mother's case was sympathetic to the predicament. Like my mother, the judge too had children who would rebelliously clean the house without permission."

James' mother was also quite the liar. Something that James declined to comment on was a statement that had surfaced during his mother's preliminary hearing. When the judge asked Carol about the marks on her son, she claimed that he had put them there himself.

"What mother would beat her child for doing what he did? Maybe if he had broken the rules and cleaned my bathroom, but not for cleaning the kitchen."

Carol did not get away quite so cleanly as she believes. The readers may find satisfaction when informed of her current state.

Carol's psychiatrist told us the facts when it came to the mother's state of mind.

"Carol believes that she is leading a successful life. She believes that she works in San Diego as a Federal Aviation Administration employee. She currently believes she is in charge of a large portion of security in the Pacific regions. In fact, she prides herself in being in charge of one of only three security command centers overlooking the Pacific.

The sad fact is that she currently lives in a mental hospital. Her delusions are augmented by the airplane crayon drawings she has on her walls."

One of our cameramen was recently given a raise after it was discovered that he had replaced Carol's supporting imagery with crayon depictions of the prostitute lifestyle.

"If my mother begins to believe she is a hooker, justice will finally be served."

As of today, Carol published her first blog article about the high society status of her prostitution career.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Borderlands 2 Introduces Mechromancer - STDs Galore

After Borderlands 2 introduced the new character class, Mechromancer, STDs became the new cool in the gaming world.

After seeing the new character, my attention was drawn to a new ability fondly known as the amazing "Explosive Clap!" The symptoms of this new STD are evident by the name of the disease. Currently, there is no cure for this disease, but from what I've seen, it's not something one may want to cure. Unlike AIDS and herpes, this "Explosive Clap" can add much excitement to your gaming experience!

My new favorite is the game dialogue:

"Quick level-up, you farmed some flesh sticks!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mother arrested for tattooing 11-year-old daughter

Her ID said she was 18!
It all started out innocent enough. A North Carolina woman was arrested for tattooing her daughter after a relative reported the incident to police.

A police report stated that the mother had tattooed her daughter in multiple places with out regard of the law.

"The defendant tattooed her daughter multiple times. Of the tattoos on the daughter, three were verified to have been applied by the mother."

Of three tattoos in question, two were on her wrist and one above her waist:

1. Can't drink until 2022.

2. Can't smoke until 2019.

And above her waist,

3. She's not 18 even if she says she is until 2019.

Child Protective Services has given mixed reactions to the tattooing due to the messages on the the girl's body.

"Tattooing a child is wrong, but on the other hand, this kinda prevents the daughter from getting into too much trouble. It also prevents any pervert from claiming they thought she was 18."

Anti-Smoking foundations have stood up to defend the right of the parent to tattoo such wise things on their child.

"It is best to start teaching your child these lessons at a young age."

Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, insisted that tattooing messages of wisdom on your children was the right thing to do.

"All my children were tattooed at birth with the message, "No sex until marriage". So far, only one of my children has managed to remove that one!"

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

What's behind California's soaring gas prices?

Local California man attempting to find gas station sign.
California's gas prices are high. So high that ost people are having trouble seeing the prices as gas stations are constantly elevating their signs.

"My favorite gas station is just down the road from me. I used to fill up there every week but now I can't see the gas price sign anymore."

This is a common complaint among consumers in California as gas stations throughout the state continue to build taller and taller signs.

"The gas station across the street used to be so convenient. Nowadays, if I want to see how much gas is, I have to pull out the old binoculars and  hope that we aren't having a cloudy day."

The gas station in question, Shell, has recently broken the record for the highest soaring gas price. At 22 miles high, this gas station has the highest elevated prices in the nation.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.
Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Israel Shoots Down Unidentified Plastic Bag

Israel made the news Saturday after shooting down an unidentified object that had entered Israeli airspace.

The Israeli people were quick to respond, bomb shelters were utilized and the Israeli Air Force deployed 30,000 of it's overwhelming fleet of F-16 Fighting Falcon's.

Ultimately, the unidentified object turned out to be a rogue plastic bag. The United States was in uproar after the plastic bag was identified to have American origin.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta, sent a statement to Israel warning the rogue state to cease hostilities or face U.S. retaliatory measures.

"This is a blatant act of war. The Israeli government made no attempt to identify the origin of the plastic bag. This loss has deeply saddened the nation, we cannot afford more bloodshed."

The American flag was flown at half mast today as a memorial for the late plastic bag.

Walmart later came forward to claim the plastic bag.

"Israel has made an enemy today. The loss of this plastic bag will have a major financial impact in the following months."

Walmart began the process of shutting down the twelve chains present in Israel. This will make Sam's Choice beverages unattainable for the large population in Jerusalem who swear by it's quality.

Israel began strategic operations to protect it's airspace from future plastic bag intrusions. 

"Israel will began calibrating it's Jericho intercontinental ballistic missiles, boosting their effectiveness against future invasions of the plastic type."

The United States, in retaliation readied it's famous Tomahawk cruise missiles against possible threats of airborn Israeli recyclable paper bags.

"Let it be known that Israel does not scare us and will not succeed in this conflict.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012