"After months and years of hearing the demands of the people, to see my birth certificate, it is time that I bring a little honesty into this discussion.
I also want to see the real birth certificate. A few months back, I was handed a supposed copy of my certificate from my press secretary. After viewing it myself, I found myself thinking it was the real thing, that is until my wife pointed out a serious flaw."
The reporters for Donald Trump and FOX NEWS fainted and hit the floor, no one feeling the need to catch them.
Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central shouted out to the crowd, "TRUST FALL!" , as several of his entourage attempted to catch him. A tough feat seeing as Daniel was naked and covered in Crisco.
"After examining the document, it dawned upon me that there was no watermark on the document. I also noticed that the document claimed I was Caucasian. Now unless there is a form of reverse-albinism rampant in my family, the document must be false. I demand that my real birth certificate be shown!"
Donald Trump's hairpiece was seen clapping it's hands in approval.
Obama later went on to tell us that he had enlisted the investigative expertise of Trump's hairpiece touting that it has always been the source of "The Apprentice" owner's intelligence.
Donald Trump was caught on camera later firing several employees for not putting enough superglue on his scalp.
"Do you know how much time I have wasted, sending out my people to find that darned clump of hair? I could have been present at that press release. If only my hairdressers had used the proper amounts of glue and duct-tape."
A question was also raised by FOX NEWS later in the day that Obama may in fact be the anti-Christ. Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly had the following discussion about this topic.
"So what you're telling me Anne, you're telling me that we will never find Obama's mother?"
"Bill, if you had been listening you would have heard what I had to say on that. Instead you kept trying to interrupt me. Obama doesn't have a mother because he is the spawn of Satan. Satan in fact may have given birth to him."
"Well Ann, I would think that would have been particularly painful for Satan, kinda like how it happened in the movie 'Junior'. What about sources who say that they actually spoke with Obama's mother?"
"As I said before, Bill, maybe you should get some hearing aids. That woman was not his mother. She was a front, a follower of Satan, charged with caring for the child."
"That sounds a bit like psycho speak to me, but what do I know. The prices of hearing aids can only mean one thing, they serve as a conduit for government mind control."
Obama's press secretary could not be reached for further comment but an aid inside the White House informed us that the President is not dealing well with his findings. She told us that an order was being processed to exhume the body of his mother to take a sample of her DNA, to determine if she was a satanic being or if she really is Obama's actual birth mother.
Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012
No comments:
Post a Comment