People Who Inappropriately Use Bathtubs as Waste Recepticle Introduced to Alternatives

This afternoon we bring you some charitable news from our local medical clinic. The clinic, "Basic Humanity Clinic and Prevention Care" held an event earlier this morning. Accurately called the Humanity Fair, this event was sponsored by Doctor Phil after he encountered an odd epidemic on his show.

"Unknown to me, a rapid trend or a widespread epidemic has taken the world by force. More and more individuals are forgetting how to properly go to the bathroom. Many of these people admit that the potty training they received as toddlers was forgotten as they reached their late 40s."





According to an article released by the World Health Organization, many adults and elderly are confused as to what bathroom item they are supposed to use for removal of body waste. We spoke to one gentleman in his late 50s about his problem with body waste removal.

"It all happened so suddenly. One day, I went from using what I assume was the proper area in the bathroom, to forgetting what receptacle I had been using. My wife was furious with me after I mistakenly started using the bathtub for such activities."

We took a statement from his wife while we were at their home.

"I was so angry when I went into the bathroom. Earl had used the bathtub for his bathroom duty. It seems like I always have to remind him that the bathroom sink is the only place to remove waste in a clean manner. I however recently has to contact the company that made the sink, as due to some design flaw, the sink keeps on getting clogged. I had to call the plumber TWICE this week!"

According to another family, some members in the house started using the laundry room for human waste.

"I woke up this morning to see if my work shirt was ready for me, possibly to iron it out as well. I was disturbed to find my elderly mother sitting on top of the washer machine, like she thought it was a toilet or something. I keep having to remind her that we are supposed to use our drug using son's closet, him being black sheep of the family."

We asked him what his bathroom was used for.

"What do you mean? That is where we store our clothing, so it stays fresh."

And finally our most shocking reveal, from the very man who was on Doctor Phil's show last month.

"After catching my daughter in the bathroom, I had to be firm with her, as I had said this to her many times before, 'The tree out back is to be used for those functions only!'. Can you believe she actually used our bathroom toilet for such purposes? That's where we keep the family photos!"

Later, after the event at the clinic, Doctor Phil approached us on the subject.

"The depravity of some of these people! Since when did relieving ones self become so widespread? My mother, may she rest in peace, always told us to hold that stuff in. Who wants to let it out anyway? It is just gross."

Our staff here in the building still use the CEO's office. I mean, that's where you're supposed to go, isn't it?

Our CEO declined to comment.

SatireSanity News Corp. 2012