Ted Kennedy Rises From the Dead

Earlier this week, after a campaign ad shown at the Democratic National Convention which depicted the late Ted Kennedy, the ground near his grave began shifting. After days of disturbances around his grave site, a hand was seen rising from the ground. Cemetery staff were seen running off the property screaming of zombies. Our news staff was first on the scene. Our staff reported that a man, resembling a   zombified Ted Kennedy was seen stumbling towards the cameramen. As they began backing away in fear of a zombie bite, Ted "The Zombie" Kennedy pulled an old bottle of whiskey out of his rib cage. After they noticed that he was more interested in alcohol that their brains, our correspondent approached Ted while dragging a camera guy behind him.

"Mr. Zombie Kennedy, are you alright? Having you not been getting your monthly haircuts or dental cleanings? (Please click here to see our previous article on Obamacare Covering Dead People)

Zombie Ted looked up at the interviewer and snarled.

"Hey idiot sober guy with a camera, shut the hell up and let me get my drink on."

After several minutes and several whiskey bottles later, "The Zombie" looked up and smiled.

"I have been very happy with my medical treatment. I was the one who threatened Obama to put such an inclusion into ObamaCare. My hair is nice and trimmed, my teeth, the ones that I still have are cavity free. I even had a good colonoscopy last week."

Our correspondent, who was still picking up empty whiskey bottles moved forward to get a closer word, in the process dropping all the bottles... again.

"Then why did you violate the Geneva Convention's ruling that zombies must stay in their graves, seeing as how anything but that is torture to our olfactory system?"

Kennedy paused and grabbed another bottle of whiskey from his rib cage before answering.

"Screw the Geneva Convention. The Republicans break the Convention on 'water-boarding' so I can violate the rules a little bit for zombie freedom. I was summoned by a political advertisement, the Republicans are mad because the Democrats used the words of a deceased man on television. Yes I do have a TV in my coffin, part of ObamaCare."

"So what do you plan to do now that you are in the land of the living?"

"The Zombie" let out a very sticky hackle.

"Well, first, I plan to drive under the influence, causing me to drown several women as my car flies of a bridge into a deep body of water. Then I feel like biting Romney a few times, just to test out his magic Mormon underwear. If he turns into a zombie, like me, then he will be faced with the fact that holy Mormon underwear is a sham. He should have worn the magic bras the Mormon women wear."

Our interviewer kindly handed Mr. Kennedy a Altoid breath mint.

"Your breath smells horrible and without one of these, you will never get anywhere close to Romney. Fresh breath can take you places in this world."

Zombie Ted then asked our entire camera crew to head over to his grave and help him move out. When they returned to where they had left Ted, their van was moved. It appeared that it had been driven right off the road, into the river, wedged next to one of the bridge support beams, with a dead woman floating in the water.

Watching, as they walk back to the station, gives many of us here in the office a good laugh. Using Google maps as a live viewer is new to the entertainment business.

SatireSanity News Corp. 2012