McDonald’s Seeks to Help Suffering Employees

The originally designed "M"..

Despite the seemingly uncaring attitude for it’s historically mistreated employees, McDonald’s survivalist experts have been handed the task of helping out, without paying more wages of course.

Let it be said that McDonald’s truly does care about it’s hardworking, poverty ridden employees, unlike Walmart. McDonald’s Research and Development has published several tips for the income deprived:

• Soaking cardboard in sugar makes for a tasty but inexpensive treat, also high in fiber.

• Don’t have children, if you’re pregnant, abort. If you don’t wish to abort, move to a country where child labor is still legal, if your baby wants to eat it should be willing to earn every bite.

• Instead of stealing food from your workplace, steal it from the fast food restaurant next door, we don’t like them.

• Try getting a fourth a job. We know attempting to get overtime hours at one of our stores is like trying to get a free McNugget so you probably shouldn’t even try. 

• Get married to someone who is rich or at least attempt to marry a manager at one of our stores. Please note that if you marry someone who manages one of our stores that you will not qualify for free meals, ever.

• Give up that crack habit; use your prostitution money to buy one of our delicious salads!

• Instead of buying Christmas gifts, buy your loved ones a McDonald’s gift certificate.

• Work at Walmart on Thanksgiving, they give you a free turkey. If you should decide to work more than just one job on this holiday, we do offer our employees a free fry and a sip of one of our Coke products. Consider saving this fry for when you really get hungry.

• Never take a day off, that’s a day of wasted pay and what did a vacation day ever get you?

• Rent is expensive, contemplate living full-time at a homeless shelter, this will even make your crack habit more manageable.

• Save on shampoo by not ever buying any; the grease dripping from your hair equals less store money spent on oil for our fryers.

• Don’t get fired.

• Consider anorexia, our food isn’t that healthy anyway and bulimia is just a waste of money unless it was spent at our stores.

• If one of our customers dies at the store, employees are encouraged to divide up the body and take some home. If the store should ever decide to include liver and onions as a selection on the menu, the liver of any deceased customer becomes McDonald’s property and if stolen will result in termination of employment.

McDonald’s recommends sticking it out for the long run. Remember, most store employees are much more likely to get promoted to a corporate position the more of their lives they are willing sacrifice to the company. Sleep with your boss or offer to work for free. Your chances increase drastically if you are hot and blonde, (gender doesn’t matter anymore), willing to take a little office humor, (sexual harassment), able to demonstrate the ability to read, happy to share any illegal drugs with your supervisor, (cocaine preferred), content with secretarial work, and able to demonstrate that you can and will do anything to increase corporate profits. Openings are also available to skilled individuals who can convincingly lie to the public about the health benefits of eating daily at their local McDonald’s.

Always remember, McDonald’s values the employees who blindly dedicate their lives to the company. And if you happen to be one of the three workers in the world who can comfortably live on the company’s wages, don’t let them know, McDonald’s is always willing to cut either hours or wages.

Update:
After it was revealed that McDonald’s encourages employees to divide and take home portions of dead employees, a corporate spokesman asked all media outlets to emphasize that they were not encouraging cannibalism.

“Are goal is not to tempt our employees into eating dead customers, it just happens to be an easier way to get rid of the bodies. We hope and expect that our workers are only taking home body parts to show and amaze their friends. We cannot be held responsible for any employee that decides to eat these body parts and develops coronary heat failure as a result.”

Their website still lists dead customers as having 80 grams of fat per serving.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.

Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.

"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."

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In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.

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Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012