Apple Still Blowing the Whistle

Last week, after the famous court battle between Apple and Samsung finished with Apple being triumphant, Samsung was up in arms about appeal. But it doesn't stop at that.

According to our source at the US patent office, Apple has been getting patents for just about anything. An Apple employee issued the following statement:

"After our win against Samsung, we plan to monopolize the smartphone market with yet another lawsuit. Only this time, it will be against all current smartphone manufacturers."



We received an outline of Apples intentions in court just this morning.

"The courts of  this country will have no choice but to bend to our supreme will. Included is a list of items that are strictly of Apple design:

1. Lithium-Ion batteries and rectangular or square batteries of all kinds used in smartphones are strictly Apple design. We also have a patent to support this.

2. Touch screens are also a Apple design seeing as the iPhone was the first to use them. We also have a patent on that.

3. Rectangular shaped smartphones are a design of Apples as well. We have a patent on that. Companies can only make their phones in either triangular or cube-like, unless we patent that too.

4. Oxygen around the smartphone is patented by Apple. Companies can get around this by designing a smartphone that emits sulfur gas as we also have several patents pending on the breathable atmosphere.

5. The word 'smartphone' is trademarked. As is the word 'phone'. The only thing other companies can call there cellular devices is 'Notasawesomeasapple'.

6. 3g and 4g service are proprietary, and were invented by Apple and it is illegal for anyone else but iPhone to utilize. The fact that our so-called 4g is service is just crappy 3g service with a small boost is not the issue here.

Other Demands:

1. All other 'Notasawesomeasapple' companies must put code into their cellular device to prevent any images of apples and all other fruit from being displayed.

2. If a company does want to use our design, they must forfeit their first-born son. If they are gay and have no children they must offer free makeovers to all of our staff. All inquiring companies must also erect a 30 foot tall pure gold statue of Steve Jobs murdering Google's CEO.

We are confident that we will win because all the Supreme Court justices own Apple products. Unknown to them, when they agreed to the terms on the their Apple products, an obscure paragraph on page 4720 of the agreement constitutes a legally binding agreement that they will do anything Apple says."

Suffice to say that Apple's CEO is doing acid and probably other drugs.

Google and all other supporting smartphone companies sent a message to Apple:

"Screw you."

SatireSanity News Corp 2012

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