Thursday, October 4, 2012

Limbless Woman Rolls Six Blocks to Nearest Bus Stop

Traffic stopped downtown today as onlookers watched an 22 year old limbless woman roll down the sidewalk.

When the police and fire rescue workers arrived on the scene they struggled to stop the woman. A police scanner was used to clock the woman's rate of rolling speed, estimating her to be rolling at an amazing speed of just over 65 miles per hour.

"The woman lost control of her speed when a strong north wind began to affect her roll."

The fire and rescue crew were forced to break a world record for building a temporary dam, in under 30 seconds they had erected a 5 foot tall wall of sandbags. The woman was stopped dead in her tracks, literally.

"We were able to stop her roll and resuscitate her. However, due to her impact on our world record breaking wall, her brain was ejected from her skull forcing us to duct tape it to the back of her neck."

After the police determined that she had not been fleeing arrest, the lady in question was asked what she was doing rolling down the street.

"I just had an appointment with my orthopedic doctor. A few years ago, I badly sprained the right stub of what used to be my leg. It never healed quite properly so I was forced to see the doctor."

The woman later stated that she was trying to get to the bus station 6 blocks south from the clinic.

The doctor, who had arrived on the scene after seeing the incident on the NASCAR channel affirmed what his patient had said.

"It was a horrible sprain! She was rolling down her stairs one day when she lost her footing, I mean nubbing. I was planning surgery to repair the damage."

The woman, who refused to give her name (she feared that her friends would recognize her on TV otherwise), the woman asked to be allowed a statement pointed at the bus administration.

"The bus people obviously think that the bus should stop at the local McDonalds instead in front of the clinic Who would ever need a ride from the orthopedic clinic (the bone doctor) that helps people who have pain getting around? I guess if you have your stomach full of fries you can't walk around very much, but a man with a broken leg should be able to walk just fine!

The policeman appeared extremely offended by the comment and later issued her a ticket for going ten miles over the speed limit.

"Discriminating against people who eat at McDonalds is wrong! What would she have me do instead? Eat something healthy or something? She is lucky I didn't arrest her for inciting violence towards fat people."

---

In other news, the local bus depot unveiled a new bus, the back-end of which is shaped like a bowling lane. The bus administration claims this will help people who have no limbs gain access to the bus.

"They roll on in, like a bowling ball, and when they get off we squeeze them throw a little hole and let them bounce on the ground before a nice warm fan removes the moisture from the stumps of their once healthy hands!"

No comments:

Post a Comment