Satan clinically depressed, coughing not what it once was

Good looking man summoning Satan

Earlier this morning at a board meeting at the Cadbury Corporate Headquarters, which is also known for making Halls cough drops, a top executive was reprimanded for covering his mouth during a cough.

The CEO of Cadbury, Todd Stitzer, who as a well known weirdo, was very by the covering of mouth incident.

"Covering ones mouth can be traced back to ancient times. Back when men openly communed with the Devil. Back then, coughing was seen as a way to release evil spirits, removing them from the soul. The act of covering your mouth was a salute to Satan, calling on him to join you at your table. It is very bad."

A man, Mr. Satan Alexander Devil, called the station later to confirm the matter.

"It is always depressing when people cover their mouth. They just don't realize the effect it has on me. It's like they just rang my version of a telephone. It's like those phone calls you get when someone misdials your phone. A person like me, red, scary looking with a tale, never really gets a call from a friend. No one ever calls and says 'Hey Satan, want to hang out?' or 'What's up Satan, my best friend in the whole wide world.' Just the same thing everyday, my new smartphone ringing nonstop. Everybody hates me. Now that bin Laden lives next door to me, I really don't use my phone much for anything other than dirty movies, music and the occasional tweet."

Verizon, Satan's carrier of choice has good things to say about Mr. Devil.

"Mr. Devil has been with us for a long time. He always pays his bills and he is always prompt to renew his contract every two years. Just last month he came into our store and bought a brand new Samsung Galaxy S 3. We even give him a special deal on his data allowance. He pays a standard fee of 100 hundred dollars month for his data plan seeing he uses so much data. He is a very big user fan of YouTube, often using 100 gigabytes or more a month."

Verizon also is planning on surprising Satan on his birthday next month when the company plans to build a 4G tower in hell, near Satan's condo.

Satan is having a rough time of it. He did say he was getting treatment but that it has yet to help much.

"My doctor, Jack Kevorkian has me on so many pills. From anti-depressants, to anti-anxiety drugs. He also keeps helping me commit suicide, but after every procedure, I just end up back here, down in hell again."

Mr. Satan was committed to a psychiatric hospital shortly after the phone call, but health professionals assure us that his new cocktail of medications should do the trick.

Please pray for Mister Satan Alexander Devil, he needs as much help as Mister Goddeus SkyDaddy Almighty can give.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012