Monday, November 18, 2013

Scientists Discover New Way to Enjoy Television

1980's television setYears of Research Finally Pay Off

Scientists at CERN have finally found the answer to an issue that has plagued television users for decades. After almost 30 years of research and the tireless work of the brightest minds, mankind has discovered how to make T.V. more entertaining than anyone had imagined.

Many of the researchers involved had already utilized this skill in their own living room, while sitting on a couch, eating enough food to feed an elephant. After several hours and several angry phone calls from the appropriate supervisor, one of the scientist was coaxed out of his home with what had once been extinct, a lovely golden Twinkie.

“After calculating the average weight of the avid television watcher and multiplying that by the amount of beer, on average consumed in a year’s time, we finally had a lead. For year’s people who sent us letters asking for our help touched our hearts and drove us onward. Many of these letters had spilled tears and loose cookie crumbs contained lovingly for our enjoyment.”

After demanding more Twinkies and a cold beer the soon to be obese resumed his report to the people.

“We began by carefully examining a real television. At first we merely poked at it with a stick until a mechanic who happened to walk by suggested we use his screwdriver.”

Sources confirm that this had most likely been the first time one of the team researchers had seen a screwdriver, most likely none had ever actually handled one.

“We quickly realized, after several of our group dropped dead from electrocution that using a screwdriver was not the best method. Flipping the switches did nothing either, merely making a nice clicking noise and putting a particular beat in my head.”

According to eye witnesses, the man could visibly be seen gaining weight as he devoured his last Twinkie.

“Over the last 30 years, and billions of spending taxpayer money, we finally discovered how to enhance this device, the center of the average living room. The best way to enjoy your television set is not too difficult. After three decades we have determined to the best of our ability that plugging in the T.V. provides the best entertainment.”

The shock waves this statement caused have already been felt across the globe. When the revelation hit Japan millions of technology lovers wondered if plugging in their devices could improve the value of their current entertainment. Millions of human beings outside of Japan, also sadly including one chimpanzee were pronounced dead after being severely electrocuted.

The brilliant researcher responsible for sharing this valuable information was very firm when he announced that this method had only been proven with older cathode-ray tube television. He stressed that none of his colleagues had yet discovered a way to apply this new knowledge to plasma, LCD or LED televisions.

Be sure to catch up on all those missed television episodes you have missed over the years, years of exciting parody and satire produced by the people of Saturday Night Live and of course, every episode of Roseanne.


Please feel to comment and let us know how this new discovery has benefited you and your family.


Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News 2013

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