Saturday, November 23, 2013
Breathing May Increase Lifespan
While it may be possible one day, fantasizing about not having to hire replacement personnel every few minutes is a luxury most of us cannot afford, especially for the manager in charge of hiring. Currently our second longest living staff member, she has mastered inhaling but passes out quite frequently during interviews only to find the potential employee has died.
Even as I write this do I feel myself approach ever so closer to death. Try as I might, I can barely inhale a single breath. Just like the hiring manager, I often pass out and wake up later feeling depressed after I realize that I had somehow exhaled while unconscious. I am still unable to recall how I did so. I will most likely have died by the time this makes it on to the company website and the employee responsible for uploading will have died shortly after you, the reader finishes this article. Unless you have mastered breathing it is unlikely that you will have the chance to read another of our wonderfully written articles. I never had the time to read any myself, a person can only do so much even if that person has managed to outlive most of his fellow coworkers by somehow living for over an hour. I am pretty sure that I could have qualified as a record breaker for the Guinness Book of World Records but I was informed that a member of that organization died on the way up to my office to determine the validity of my claim. But that is what happens in this world when the elevator breaks down and people have to use the stairs; if most people knew how to breath it would be possible to say it takes the breath out of you.
Oh, one last thing, as my vision grows dim, if you have the chance to check out the news before you make your funeral arrangements, check your local news. CNN is reporting that the first president to live through his inauguration speech was just elected!
(Sadly the writer of this article died before he could write finish the customary ending added at the end of every article. I will attempt to write it before I die as well.)
(I too must sadly inform the readers that the last writer who attempted to the finish this customary ending died before completing his work. He will be fired postmortem and I will spend my last few seconds of life making up for his untimely laziness.)
Satire Sanity News Corp 2013