Saturday, November 23, 2013

Breathing May Increase Lifespan

Breathing For Dummies Satire
Research is yet incomplete but many experts in the health field believe that the secret to long life may be breathing. Many factors remain to be studied but it is believed that breathing could help extend your life by as long as 70 years or even more. While a few minutes of life is what most of us who don’t breath often expect, it turns out that some people more concerned about living or smoking a cigarette have taken an interest in this breathing phenomenon. Tobacco companies have invested heavily into breathing claiming that cigarettes would be a huge business if customers could manage to actually use one. While many people understand the concept of breathing most people can’t quite get the basics. Learning the first half of breathing, inhaling is quite easy from what most reports claim. It is the second half, exhaling, that proves the most challenging. Researchers have claimed that if society as a whole learned this breathing technique we all would benefit.

While it may be possible one day, fantasizing about not having to hire replacement personnel every few minutes is a luxury most of us cannot afford, especially for the manager in charge of hiring. Currently our second longest living staff member, she has mastered inhaling but passes out quite frequently during interviews only to find the potential employee has died.

Even as I write this do I feel myself approach ever so closer to death. Try as I might, I can barely inhale a single breath. Just like the hiring manager, I often pass out and wake up later feeling depressed after I realize that I had somehow exhaled while unconscious. I am still unable to recall how I did so. I will most likely have died by the time this makes it on to the company website and the employee responsible for uploading will have died shortly after you, the reader finishes this article. Unless you have mastered breathing it is unlikely that you will have the chance to read another of our wonderfully written articles. I never had the time to read any myself, a person can only do so much even if that person has managed to outlive most of his fellow coworkers by somehow living for over an hour. I am pretty sure that I could have qualified as a record breaker for the Guinness Book of World Records but I was informed that a member of that organization died on the way up to my office to determine the validity of my claim. But that is what happens in this world when the elevator breaks down and people have to use the stairs; if most people knew how to breath it would be possible to say it takes the breath out of you.

Oh, one last thing, as my vision grows dim, if you have the chance to check out the news before you make your funeral arrangements, check your local news. CNN is reporting that the first president to live through his inauguration speech was just elected!


(Sadly the writer of this article died before he could write finish the customary ending added at the end of every article. I will attempt to write it before I die as well.)


Satire Sani

(I too must sadly inform the readers that the last writer who attempted to the finish this customary ending died before completing his work. He will be fired postmortem and I will spend my last few seconds of life making up for his untimely laziness.)


Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

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