Schools Closing: The Truth

The media has been in an uproar after Philadelphia leaders announced plans to close 37 schools in the area.  Some of the reason behind this had to do with smaller class sizes as enrollments plummet.

Conspiracy theorists took no time to create a absurd plot behind all of this.

A post from Facebook, off of the Uncle Sam's Misguided Children page had the following to say:

"Obama is closing the schools. Der... He wants our guns and he wants to use the closed schools as Kenyan military training facilities!"

Our investigation led to a much more disturbing finding. For the past 10 years, the Philly school system has allowed it's already outrageous coffee fund to divert more and more valuable funds from the general fund. Last years coffee budget was at an outstanding 350 million dollars. This is small change when compared to the Congressional coffee fund which is currently the only thing responsible for the budget deficit.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.

Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.

"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."

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In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.

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Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

President Obama: No Nuclear Talks With Iran

Today, the President declared that he did not wish to talk about anything "nuclear" with the leader of Iran.

After the last attempt to talk about nuclear related events, President Obama was exasperated after what can only be described as a mind-warping presentation from Ahmadinejad himself. You can check out our coverage of the presentation here.

"Ahmadinejad is a nice guy, alright. But every time we get together and play golf, all he does is talk about his nuclear program and his attempt to create viable nuclear kitchen appliances. Enough is enough, we can play golf next Sunday, Ahmadinejad, but no nuclear talk, at all."

President Ahmadinejad reportedly was very hurt by Obama's comment and was seen writing an apology with tears streaked all over his handwriting. 

"If I had known Ahmadinejad was going to act this way, I would have been a little less abrasive with my approach. Ahmadinejad, if you're watching, if it pleases you, we could talk about destroying Israel instead?"

Ahmadinejad responded in an email several seconds later.

"That would be awesome! You really know how to comfort a friend. We can talk about my new nuclear blender on a future date.

Best Friends Forever,

Your Favorite Dictator, Ahmadinejad

P.S. My new blender is really awesome! It makes your snacks glow in the dark so you don't have to turn on the light to eat!"

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In other news, a mysterious form of energy, who insisted his name was Nuclear, was unsure why Obama would have to clarify that he, Nuclear, was not talking to Iran.

"Maybe I misunderstood the headlines, but I am sure it was referring to me!"

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.

Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Obama Demands to See His Birth Certificate

Today at a press meeting at the White House, President Obama expressed his displeasure with the decreasing lack of demands to see his real birth certificate.

"After months and years of hearing the demands of the people, to see my birth certificate, it is time that I bring a little honesty into this discussion.

I also want to see the real birth certificate. A few months back, I was handed a supposed copy of my certificate from my press secretary. After viewing it myself, I found myself thinking it was the real thing, that is until my wife pointed out a serious flaw."

The reporters for Donald Trump and FOX NEWS fainted and hit the floor, no one feeling the need to catch them.

Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central shouted out to the crowd, "TRUST FALL!" , as several of his entourage attempted to catch him. A tough feat seeing as Daniel was naked and covered in Crisco.

"After examining the document, it dawned upon me that there was no watermark on the document. I also noticed that the document claimed I was Caucasian. Now unless there is a form of reverse-albinism rampant in my family, the document must be false. I demand that my real birth certificate be shown!"

Donald Trump's hairpiece was seen clapping it's hands in approval.

Obama later went on to tell us that he had enlisted the investigative expertise of Trump's hairpiece touting that it has always been the source of "The Apprentice" owner's intelligence.

Donald Trump was caught on camera later firing several employees for not putting enough superglue on his scalp.

"Do you know how much time I have wasted, sending out my people to find that darned clump of hair? I could have been present at that press release. If only my hairdressers had used the proper amounts of glue and duct-tape."

A question was also raised by FOX NEWS later in the day that Obama may in fact be the anti-Christ. Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly  had the following discussion about this topic.

"So what you're telling me Anne, you're telling me that we will never find Obama's mother?"

"Bill, if you had been listening you would have heard what I had to say on that. Instead you kept trying to interrupt me. Obama doesn't have a mother because he is the spawn of Satan. Satan in fact may have given birth to him."

"Well Ann, I would think that would have been particularly painful for Satan, kinda like how it happened in the movie 'Junior'. What about sources who say that they actually spoke with Obama's mother?"

"As I said before, Bill, maybe you should get some hearing aids. That woman was not his mother. She was a front, a follower of Satan, charged with caring for the child."

"That sounds a bit like psycho speak to me, but what do I know. The prices of hearing aids can only mean one thing, they serve as a conduit for government mind control."

Obama's press secretary could not be reached for further comment but an aid inside the White House informed us that the President is not dealing well with his findings. She told us that an order was being processed to exhume the body of his mother to take a sample of her DNA, to determine if she was a satanic being or if she really is Obama's actual birth mother.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Romney Weighs In On The Issues

During a debate hosted by our news corp last night, we had the chance to ask Romney and Obama several questions. Please keep in mind, that like all politicians, they often avoid answering certain points.

"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."

Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."

Vice President Biden Posts His Job On Craigslist

Shortly after opening up the offices here at SatireSanity News Corps, our resident slacker came across a Craigslist job opening.

"I was doing my usual, playing World of Warcraft, checking Twitter and Facebook, at the same time. How's that for multitasking, my boss must be proud. Well after I got done defeating this level 85 Ogre-elephant, I decided to get on Craigslist and look for a cheap hooker, you know, the usual. Well, as I was looking in the for sale ads for a fifty year old prostitute, I came across an ad that just stuck out. I looked at it and was fairly surprised to see a listing by vice president Biden. At first I thought I had found out his dirty little secret, him being a hooker is not the surprise I expected."

Paul Ryan Outed as a Gay Liberal.

Yesterday, during the Democratic National Convention, Paul Ryan was caught on his laptop searching gay porn. But that is not the worst of it. According to our informant, Paul Ryan also had been secretly sending fund money to Obama's campaign headquarters.

"I was there in the room when I caught Paul Ryan in the act. First, I saw him wiring money to the Democratic Federal Labor Party. Later that night after viewing many sites depicting male on male action, I saw Ryan posting anonymous comments praising both President Obama and Nancy Pelosi."

When Mitt Romney was informed of Ryan's actions his his face went blank. After awhile of staring off into space, a smile formed on Mitt's lips.

Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

Nancy Pelosi Leaks Sex Tape

Our correspondent, Peter Berg found a disturbing video online today as he was skimming for news of import. The video in question shows in great detail the sex life of Nancy Pelosi, former majority leader of the House. What is very disturbing is her choice of sexual partners. It appears that Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres  are both present in the video. This leads to the question of how long Pelosi has been doing this and why she has never informed her constituents of her sexual preferences.

Obama Finds Hair in Soup

Disturbing news came out of the White House yesterday.