Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

The Pope Goes Into Hiding After Accusation

See our first look at this story.

Today at the Vatican, the Pope finally came to the conclusion that Jesus Christ was indeed a witch. His judgement came after the Pope declared all miracles a source of evil.

"God does not condone any supernatural events. He must be really disappointed with his Son on this matter."

Jesus rebutted by mentioning that the Vatican had been found guilty of covering up sexual scandals for decades.

Lazy Boy Tired of "Lazy Boys"

Earlier this afternoon, one of our correspondents was cornered by an angry individual, Lazy Boy, a big plush navy blue recliner, with an evident depression in the cushion. Lazy Boy had discovered that our correspondent was in the area and demanded to be interviewed.

"In all my life, I have been abused by obese men. They sit on me, fart and sometimes wet themselves. Let us not mention the gross amount of food and soda spilled on me!"

Our correspondent asked the recliner if he would like to make a statement.

"Lose weight, and stop using me as a trash can. Oh and a shampoo and a new cushion would be appreciated".