Romney Locks Himself In the Oval Office During Visit

Romney Weighs In On The Issues

During a debate hosted by our news corp last night, we had the chance to ask Romney and Obama several questions. Please keep in mind, that like all politicians, they often avoid answering certain points.

"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."

Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."

Ted Kennedy Rises From the Dead

Earlier this week, after a campaign ad shown at the Democratic National Convention which depicted the late Ted Kennedy, the ground near his grave began shifting. After days of disturbances around his grave site, a hand was seen rising from the ground. Cemetery staff were seen running off the property screaming of zombies. Our news staff was first on the scene. Our staff reported that a man, resembling a   zombified Ted Kennedy was seen stumbling towards the cameramen. As they began backing away in fear of a zombie bite, Ted "The Zombie" Kennedy pulled an old bottle of whiskey out of his rib cage. After they noticed that he was more interested in alcohol that their brains, our correspondent approached Ted while dragging a camera guy behind him.

"Mr. Zombie Kennedy, are you alright? Having you not been getting your monthly haircuts or dental cleanings? (Please click here to see our previous article on Obamacare Covering Dead People)

Zombie Ted looked up at the interviewer and snarled.

"Hey idiot sober guy with a camera, shut the hell up and let me get my drink on."

After several minutes and several whiskey bottles later, "The Zombie" looked up and smiled.

"I have been very happy with my medical treatment. I was the one who threatened Obama to put such an inclusion into ObamaCare. My hair is nice and trimmed, my teeth, the ones that I still have are cavity free. I even had a good colonoscopy last week."

Our correspondent, who was still picking up empty whiskey bottles moved forward to get a closer word, in the process dropping all the bottles... again.

"Then why did you violate the Geneva Convention's ruling that zombies must stay in their graves, seeing as how anything but that is torture to our olfactory system?"

Kennedy paused and grabbed another bottle of whiskey from his rib cage before answering.

"Screw the Geneva Convention. The Republicans break the Convention on 'water-boarding' so I can violate the rules a little bit for zombie freedom. I was summoned by a political advertisement, the Republicans are mad because the Democrats used the words of a deceased man on television. Yes I do have a TV in my coffin, part of ObamaCare."

"So what do you plan to do now that you are in the land of the living?"

"The Zombie" let out a very sticky hackle.

"Well, first, I plan to drive under the influence, causing me to drown several women as my car flies of a bridge into a deep body of water. Then I feel like biting Romney a few times, just to test out his magic Mormon underwear. If he turns into a zombie, like me, then he will be faced with the fact that holy Mormon underwear is a sham. He should have worn the magic bras the Mormon women wear."

Our interviewer kindly handed Mr. Kennedy a Altoid breath mint.

"Your breath smells horrible and without one of these, you will never get anywhere close to Romney. Fresh breath can take you places in this world."

Zombie Ted then asked our entire camera crew to head over to his grave and help him move out. When they returned to where they had left Ted, their van was moved. It appeared that it had been driven right off the road, into the river, wedged next to one of the bridge support beams, with a dead woman floating in the water.

Watching, as they walk back to the station, gives many of us here in the office a good laugh. Using Google maps as a live viewer is new to the entertainment business.

SatireSanity News Corp. 2012

Paul Ryan Outed as a Gay Liberal.

Yesterday, during the Democratic National Convention, Paul Ryan was caught on his laptop searching gay porn. But that is not the worst of it. According to our informant, Paul Ryan also had been secretly sending fund money to Obama's campaign headquarters.

"I was there in the room when I caught Paul Ryan in the act. First, I saw him wiring money to the Democratic Federal Labor Party. Later that night after viewing many sites depicting male on male action, I saw Ryan posting anonymous comments praising both President Obama and Nancy Pelosi."

When Mitt Romney was informed of Ryan's actions his his face went blank. After awhile of staring off into space, a smile formed on Mitt's lips.

Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

Mitt Romney Not Sure What Mormonism Is

Last Saturday, our chief correspondent, Daniel Hines, got a chance to speak with republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. After the candidate shared with us that he had no idea why he was running for president, Daniel asked Mitt about his proclaimed religion, Mormonism. The look on his face was one of confusion and terror.