Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

Apple Still Blowing the Whistle

Last week, after the famous court battle between Apple and Samsung finished with Apple being triumphant, Samsung was up in arms about appeal. But it doesn't stop at that.

According to our source at the US patent office, Apple has been getting patents for just about anything. An Apple employee issued the following statement:

"After our win against Samsung, we plan to monopolize the smartphone market with yet another lawsuit. Only this time, it will be against all current smartphone manufacturers."

Obamacare Reportedly Covers Dead People

Yesterday, after wrapping up my interview with awesome, charitable Dick Cheney, I looked over the extensive recording of the interview. Being as it lasted about 5 hours recording Dick Cheney's humble self, I fell asleep within 30 seconds of his energetic talk. It appears that after Dick Cheney realized I was asleep, he began saying truthful things that the radical left would call propaganda.

Lazy Boy Tired of "Lazy Boys"

Earlier this afternoon, one of our correspondents was cornered by an angry individual, Lazy Boy, a big plush navy blue recliner, with an evident depression in the cushion. Lazy Boy had discovered that our correspondent was in the area and demanded to be interviewed.

"In all my life, I have been abused by obese men. They sit on me, fart and sometimes wet themselves. Let us not mention the gross amount of food and soda spilled on me!"

Our correspondent asked the recliner if he would like to make a statement.

"Lose weight, and stop using me as a trash can. Oh and a shampoo and a new cushion would be appreciated".