Microsoft Unveils New Operating System, Apple Attempts to Keep Up

Microsoft's New Operating System

Microsoft, founded in 1975, has a reputation in the operating system world. With the advent of Windows and Office, Microsoft set itself solidly in the concrete of the computer world.

Windows 3.1, 95, 98, Windows ME, 2000, XP, Vista and the current Windows 7 have all made their mark in history. Microsoft has created good software and extremely bad software. With Windows 8 on the horizon, many wonder if the rumors of change are true.

"Microsoft is doing something different this time. Not only are we improving on the operating systems of the past, we are changing the dynamic way this new version will run."

Microsoft has kept all the technical information secret but we do finally have a official name to go by. Leaving the path of familiarity, Windows is poised to take a nosedive into the software graveyard.

"The Windows brand will be discontinued. We believe the concept of fashioning our system from that of a window is outdated. It is time for us to begin fashioning our programs after other housing features.

Today we introduce, Microsoft Doors 1.0!

With a new concept, Microsoft will further expand it's vast empire!"

Apple, unwilling to be seen as behind-the-times, (even though they are), also introduced it's new line of upcoming computers.

Apple Inc. as Banana Inc.

"Microsoft will not outdo us. Apple is planning on changing the company name. We will be forever known as 'Banana!"

Banana is currently trying to figure out how the new computers should look, if the design should resemble a banana or just look like a regular computer.

A source from inside Banana has confirmed sneaking suspicions that the company plans to take their technology back to the 80s.

"They think that if they wish to be successful, they will have to go back to their roots. This means restarting the company using 1977 technology and horribly small screens."

The oldest, most insignificant, fanboys love it!

Market analysts believe that they will use the same tactic that it uses with those who impatiently await the new iPhone 6.

"They will start off the line of new Banana computers with obsolete technology, promising to provide state of the art specs several years down the road. Apple, now Banana fanboys will wait with cult-like loyalty until their elderly years as Banana promises they will one day finally introduce an accessory called the 'CD-ROM."


The new/obsolete Banana computer retails at the awesome low price of 2,000 dollars. The specs are amazing and are as follows:

• cassette interface available to storage space
• State of the art 5.25-inch floppy drive not included but can be purchased for 1,000 dollars
• 1 MHz processor
• 9 inch built-in monochrome screen
• 4k of RAM
• A fake piece of cardboard that has a picture of a keyboard on it

Looks like a fine computer to me, at least Banana did not retail it at 666.66 dollars like they did with the first Apple.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Apple Issues a Rare Apology... Again

Yesterday, Apple's CEO Tim Cook offered a rare apology about the new Apple maps feature.

"I hate to do this, as you can see by my photo during the press release. I am forced, by the evil Bill Gates himself, to admit that our new Apple Maps app is downright awful, horrible to be exact. While we must take some of the blame for the new app, it is ultimately Google's fault. They have created a superb service, Google Maps. But because they refused to give us their patent on the program, our service lacks. Google is evil and doesn't want Apple to succeed. Luckily we have a patent on the breathable atmosphere. If I find out that the minds behind Google Maps breathed anything but toxic gases, we will sue."

Still recovering from the shock of Apple's halfhearted apology, today Apple released yet another apology.

"The new iPhone 5 costs us about 180 dollars to make yet we continue to sell it for 649. We realize that this is a 360 percent markup. But we must blame it on Microsoft. Steve Jobs hated Microsoft so much that he demanded all Apple products boast a 360 percent markup to make fun of the Xbox 360. We would like our customers to know that it is Microsoft's fault that Apple is forced to rip you all off."

Surprisingly, Apple fanboys expressed hate towards CEO Tim Cook.

"GO APPLE! It's obvious that Tim Cook is a PC fan. Why else would he lie about Apple? Apple is an honest company with cheap products. Apple may not allow people to upgrade its components, but us Apple fans are rich. Buying a new version of the product is petty change to us. Steve Jobs would have been honest about the company. Apple is awesome! Praise Apple!"

The fanboys then pulled an apple out of one of their bags. They proceeded to prostrate themselves in front of it until one of Apple's Patent police confiscated the apple and had them all arrested.

The video below proves that the iPhone is indeed overpriced junk. Watch it before Apple hacks this site and removes it.


At Tim Cook's private apple orchard I got the chance to interview the man himself.

"Apple is the best I tell you. As a matter of fact, Apple products are selling more than any PC products. The world is mine!! With our patent controlling everything from edible apples to the breathable atmosphere, we are poised to take over the world"

Don't turn to the dark side readers! Resist the cookies they offer you!

Apple Still Blowing the Whistle

Last week, after the famous court battle between Apple and Samsung finished with Apple being triumphant, Samsung was up in arms about appeal. But it doesn't stop at that.

According to our source at the US patent office, Apple has been getting patents for just about anything. An Apple employee issued the following statement:

"After our win against Samsung, we plan to monopolize the smartphone market with yet another lawsuit. Only this time, it will be against all current smartphone manufacturers."