Rock, Paper, Scissors Changed Forever?

The Las Vegas Gaming Board recently agreed to review the longstanding rules of the well-known game, "Rock, Paper, Scissors", after it began receiving complaints about the overpowering effect of "paper."

One complaint was most descriptive in its arguement.

"What kind of "rock" gets upset and depressed when someone puts a piece of paper on top of it? "Paper"really needs to understand that this is the new millennium and it's popularity is down."

Most vocal amongst the dissenters was the Rock industry. Every single rock artist, including some of the dead ones disagreed with the amount of power "paper" had in the famous game. Many of the artists even went so far as to say that "rock" made "paper" it's personal bitch.

"When I write my new music, I put it on paper. That paper is forced to carry such amazing lyrics and notes. Paper is only as important as the words written on it."

Many scientists took to examining the reported power of "paper." On live TV for example, "paper" seemed to lose even more of it's fabled power when drenched in water. In one instance, it was discovered that when soaked in gasoline, the "powerful" "paper" was much more likely to start on fire then it was to dominate "rock" in any way. "Paper", in all cases, repeatedly was shown to have absolutely zero effect on "rock."

At the end of the examination the Gaming Commission was forced to announce that "paper" was the losing party.

The following statement was made available to the media outlets.

"After several hours of consideration, this board has no choice but to conclude that "paper" cannot rationally beat "rock" in any game. It is unknown, as we do not have the means to test it ourselves, but "paper" may be able to be beat "rock" if it were to be crumpled into a ball and launched at a high enough speed. The effort required to do this is unlikely to be utilized by any pansy trying to use "paper" so it really does not warrant our attention.

We made our decision by trial and error. We tried using "paper" in many different ways but still found no reason why paper should ever be able to compete with the power of "rock.""

DISCLAIMER: "Paper" is still very able to cause nasty paper-cuts. Please use caution when handling!

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In related news, Las Vegas Gaming Commission announced that the size of the "rock" used in the popular game "Rock, Paper, Scissors" must to be mentioned by the player using it to determine if it could actually win against a player using "scissors."

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2103