If You’re Going Through Hell, You’re Probably Screwed

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Some people say “if you’re going through hell, keep on moving…”, “…cause you might get out before the Devil even knows you’re there.” Sadly, they are most likely wrong, probably leading you to gruesome death.

Ever since the Devil called ADT and had their newest security system installed, Hell has been increasingly more difficult to traverse. Tourists from across the world will find it nearly impossible to get through the fiery depths without being detected. Say goodbye to your mid-winter trip through the Abyss, you’re going to have to find another place to thaw your tired old bones.

Hell, until recently, was the home to some of the finest hotels and diners. Finding a tour guide was simple, with a couple candles and a cursed travel guide one could easily be transported to a demonic travel agent of their choice. Most visitors visited Hell to roast marshmallow in the fires of the Abyss, the fuel source of the fire, the burning of damned folk adding a very unique flavor.

Some travelers reportedly tried to sneak in while Satan was visiting elsewhere, but with ADT allowing customer to monitor their security system via smartphone, many were caught and found themselves as the main course for the weekly barbeque extravaganza. Some of the smaller visitors, hobbits and dwarves, were added to the Hell-renowned shrimp cocktail platter.

Hotwire.com announced that they would not be refunding any tickets to customers who had planned future trips to the Bottomless Pit stating that any trips to that destination had been clearly labeled as “potential dangerous” and “requiring SPF 666 to ensure survival.”

Google Maps, in an attempt to cheer up the public offered a virtual tour of Hell on their website. Features were added to make it more realistic, certain plug-ins being required to get full functionality.

1. An electric heater with USB connecter for 190.95
2. A buy one, get one free offer on a pound of human flesh, (designed to roast on separately sold heater), to simulate the aroma of Hell for 20.95
3. A CD of some random death metal band screaming incoherently for 10.99
4. Realistic cut-outs of demonic figures for free with an order of 50.00 dollars or more

When purchased altogether, Google reports that the virtual experience is almost indistinguishable from the real. Meanwhile, other more adventurous travel agencies have begun offering any thrill-seeking tourist’s groups of well armed ninjas for protection, arms not included.

“If you’re going through Hell, keep on moving, run freaking fast, if you’re scared run faster, cause you’re not getting out ‘cause the Devil’s got ADT.”

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2012-2013

Google Glass Registry Created In All States

Glass Explorer Edition by Tedeytan

Google Glass, is it a wonder of technology or a social pariah? Many Google Glass users have recently found themselves under attack after all 50 of the States created a registry database for all users.

Many Google Glass users found themselves being round up and placed under arrest for not complying with new registry laws. Thousands have been forced to abandon their homes, many have lost their jobs and reports of children being taken from Glass owners have begun flooding the news. Owning a pair of these glasses could quite possibly ruin your life.

Many new laws now govern Google Glass users, the restrictions in place are even worse than those followed by sex offenders on the registry:

• Must register place of residence within (10) minutes of purchase of a pair of Google Glass.
• Any registered Google Glass offender must maintain a distance of 1,901,400 centimeters, or 62 thousand feet, or 11 miles, or 9.5 nautical miles from any living creature, human, animal, insect, fish, Godzilla, George W. Bush, corporations, and any remaining Furbies.
•  If forced outside, within possible sight of any normal living being or inanimate object, users must wear a sign on front of shirt letting people know that they wasted their money on a pair of Google Glass-wear.
• If at anytime a registered Glass offender finds themselves within 11 miles or less from any forbidden object or living creature, offender must cover their head with a paper sack, no holes allowed for sight. 
• Any offender seen in public without a paper bag covering their face will be arrested and sentenced a year of prison time for each living creature in an eleven mile vicinity.
• Any offender who breaks any law set forth will be wrongly accused and convicted of a sex crime.

Many people concerned for their privacy were seen dancing in the street, an odd reaction to be sure.

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2012-13

Read More for Sites Across the News World 

• Forget About Google Glass, Here's Google Nose—It's Smell You Can See 
•  6 Parodies of Google’s Project Glass

Rock, Paper, Scissors Changed Forever?

The Las Vegas Gaming Board recently agreed to review the longstanding rules of the well-known game, "Rock, Paper, Scissors", after it began receiving complaints about the overpowering effect of "paper."

One complaint was most descriptive in its arguement.

"What kind of "rock" gets upset and depressed when someone puts a piece of paper on top of it? "Paper"really needs to understand that this is the new millennium and it's popularity is down."

Most vocal amongst the dissenters was the Rock industry. Every single rock artist, including some of the dead ones disagreed with the amount of power "paper" had in the famous game. Many of the artists even went so far as to say that "rock" made "paper" it's personal bitch.

"When I write my new music, I put it on paper. That paper is forced to carry such amazing lyrics and notes. Paper is only as important as the words written on it."

Many scientists took to examining the reported power of "paper." On live TV for example, "paper" seemed to lose even more of it's fabled power when drenched in water. In one instance, it was discovered that when soaked in gasoline, the "powerful" "paper" was much more likely to start on fire then it was to dominate "rock" in any way. "Paper", in all cases, repeatedly was shown to have absolutely zero effect on "rock."

At the end of the examination the Gaming Commission was forced to announce that "paper" was the losing party.

The following statement was made available to the media outlets.

"After several hours of consideration, this board has no choice but to conclude that "paper" cannot rationally beat "rock" in any game. It is unknown, as we do not have the means to test it ourselves, but "paper" may be able to be beat "rock" if it were to be crumpled into a ball and launched at a high enough speed. The effort required to do this is unlikely to be utilized by any pansy trying to use "paper" so it really does not warrant our attention.

We made our decision by trial and error. We tried using "paper" in many different ways but still found no reason why paper should ever be able to compete with the power of "rock.""

DISCLAIMER: "Paper" is still very able to cause nasty paper-cuts. Please use caution when handling!

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In related news, Las Vegas Gaming Commission announced that the size of the "rock" used in the popular game "Rock, Paper, Scissors" must to be mentioned by the player using it to determine if it could actually win against a player using "scissors."

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2103

Did Pocahontas Lie to All of Us?

Even she is pissed.

Not many people may be aware of this but nature and all it’s creatures are very slow to pick up on the latest trends. New movies and music are ancient to us by the time nature gets around to enjoying them. So should we be surprised that most of nature finally saw Disney’s “Pocahontas?” Probably not, but most were surprised after several of nature’s well known celebrities came out to protest the motion picture. There hasn’t been a scandal this large since Christina Aguilera’s famous song “Genie in a Bottle” outraged genies across the world back in the 90s.

Four well-known members of nature, Rainstorm, River, Heron, and Otter have all sued Disney and Pocahontas over what they claim is slanderous material. All four expressed outrage when Pocahontas sang a song titled “Colors of the Wind”, during the film.

“The rainstorm and the river are my brothers. The heron and the otter are my friend.” These two sentences fuel the anger behind the four members of nature named in the lawsuit. River and Rainstorm both claim that they hold no relation to Pocahontas.

“The few times Pocahontas even interacted with us in no way came even close representing us as a family. We are in no way related; she has no right to claim us as brothers, River isn’t even a dude!”

River was even more upset about the situation, but stressed that she in no way was referring to the Situation from Jersey Shore.

“I can’t believe this woman would call me her brother. Last time I checked I was still female. Besides, who drinks and bathes in their brother? Ewww!”

Heron and Otter, though not as traumatized by the situation, were most definitely offended by Pocahontas’ song.

“Did she think it was friendly when she tried to turn me and my real friends into shoes? My own mother, may she rest in peace, was it friendly to turn her into what eventually became Pocahontas’ favorite bra? And don’t tell me she was a “friend” of Heron, she practically had the table set when she tried turn him into supper!”

Thankfully for Pocahontas, she remains quite dead, but Disney isn’t so lucky. The court where the lawsuit was filed is even contemplating reviving Walt Disney himself from his cryogenic chamber.

PETA came out to support the lawsuit after Otter claimed Pocahontas had owned shoes and a bra made out of animal skin. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson both reappeared on the celebrity scene to back up Pocahontas and promote their new line of otter skin panties stating that they felt really good during the winter season.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

McDonald’s Seeks to Help Suffering Employees

The originally designed "M"..

Despite the seemingly uncaring attitude for it’s historically mistreated employees, McDonald’s survivalist experts have been handed the task of helping out, without paying more wages of course.

Let it be said that McDonald’s truly does care about it’s hardworking, poverty ridden employees, unlike Walmart. McDonald’s Research and Development has published several tips for the income deprived:

• Soaking cardboard in sugar makes for a tasty but inexpensive treat, also high in fiber.

• Don’t have children, if you’re pregnant, abort. If you don’t wish to abort, move to a country where child labor is still legal, if your baby wants to eat it should be willing to earn every bite.

• Instead of stealing food from your workplace, steal it from the fast food restaurant next door, we don’t like them.

• Try getting a fourth a job. We know attempting to get overtime hours at one of our stores is like trying to get a free McNugget so you probably shouldn’t even try. 

• Get married to someone who is rich or at least attempt to marry a manager at one of our stores. Please note that if you marry someone who manages one of our stores that you will not qualify for free meals, ever.

• Give up that crack habit; use your prostitution money to buy one of our delicious salads!

• Instead of buying Christmas gifts, buy your loved ones a McDonald’s gift certificate.

• Work at Walmart on Thanksgiving, they give you a free turkey. If you should decide to work more than just one job on this holiday, we do offer our employees a free fry and a sip of one of our Coke products. Consider saving this fry for when you really get hungry.

• Never take a day off, that’s a day of wasted pay and what did a vacation day ever get you?

• Rent is expensive, contemplate living full-time at a homeless shelter, this will even make your crack habit more manageable.

• Save on shampoo by not ever buying any; the grease dripping from your hair equals less store money spent on oil for our fryers.

• Don’t get fired.

• Consider anorexia, our food isn’t that healthy anyway and bulimia is just a waste of money unless it was spent at our stores.

• If one of our customers dies at the store, employees are encouraged to divide up the body and take some home. If the store should ever decide to include liver and onions as a selection on the menu, the liver of any deceased customer becomes McDonald’s property and if stolen will result in termination of employment.

McDonald’s recommends sticking it out for the long run. Remember, most store employees are much more likely to get promoted to a corporate position the more of their lives they are willing sacrifice to the company. Sleep with your boss or offer to work for free. Your chances increase drastically if you are hot and blonde, (gender doesn’t matter anymore), willing to take a little office humor, (sexual harassment), able to demonstrate the ability to read, happy to share any illegal drugs with your supervisor, (cocaine preferred), content with secretarial work, and able to demonstrate that you can and will do anything to increase corporate profits. Openings are also available to skilled individuals who can convincingly lie to the public about the health benefits of eating daily at their local McDonald’s.

Always remember, McDonald’s values the employees who blindly dedicate their lives to the company. And if you happen to be one of the three workers in the world who can comfortably live on the company’s wages, don’t let them know, McDonald’s is always willing to cut either hours or wages.

Update:
After it was revealed that McDonald’s encourages employees to divide and take home portions of dead employees, a corporate spokesman asked all media outlets to emphasize that they were not encouraging cannibalism.

“Are goal is not to tempt our employees into eating dead customers, it just happens to be an easier way to get rid of the bodies. We hope and expect that our workers are only taking home body parts to show and amaze their friends. We cannot be held responsible for any employee that decides to eat these body parts and develops coronary heat failure as a result.”

Their website still lists dead customers as having 80 grams of fat per serving.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013