Did Pocahontas Lie to All of Us?

Even she is pissed.

Not many people may be aware of this but nature and all it’s creatures are very slow to pick up on the latest trends. New movies and music are ancient to us by the time nature gets around to enjoying them. So should we be surprised that most of nature finally saw Disney’s “Pocahontas?” Probably not, but most were surprised after several of nature’s well known celebrities came out to protest the motion picture. There hasn’t been a scandal this large since Christina Aguilera’s famous song “Genie in a Bottle” outraged genies across the world back in the 90s.

Four well-known members of nature, Rainstorm, River, Heron, and Otter have all sued Disney and Pocahontas over what they claim is slanderous material. All four expressed outrage when Pocahontas sang a song titled “Colors of the Wind”, during the film.

“The rainstorm and the river are my brothers. The heron and the otter are my friend.” These two sentences fuel the anger behind the four members of nature named in the lawsuit. River and Rainstorm both claim that they hold no relation to Pocahontas.

“The few times Pocahontas even interacted with us in no way came even close representing us as a family. We are in no way related; she has no right to claim us as brothers, River isn’t even a dude!”

River was even more upset about the situation, but stressed that she in no way was referring to the Situation from Jersey Shore.

“I can’t believe this woman would call me her brother. Last time I checked I was still female. Besides, who drinks and bathes in their brother? Ewww!”

Heron and Otter, though not as traumatized by the situation, were most definitely offended by Pocahontas’ song.

“Did she think it was friendly when she tried to turn me and my real friends into shoes? My own mother, may she rest in peace, was it friendly to turn her into what eventually became Pocahontas’ favorite bra? And don’t tell me she was a “friend” of Heron, she practically had the table set when she tried turn him into supper!”

Thankfully for Pocahontas, she remains quite dead, but Disney isn’t so lucky. The court where the lawsuit was filed is even contemplating reviving Walt Disney himself from his cryogenic chamber.

PETA came out to support the lawsuit after Otter claimed Pocahontas had owned shoes and a bra made out of animal skin. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson both reappeared on the celebrity scene to back up Pocahontas and promote their new line of otter skin panties stating that they felt really good during the winter season.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

McDonald’s Seeks to Help Suffering Employees

The originally designed "M"..

Despite the seemingly uncaring attitude for it’s historically mistreated employees, McDonald’s survivalist experts have been handed the task of helping out, without paying more wages of course.

Let it be said that McDonald’s truly does care about it’s hardworking, poverty ridden employees, unlike Walmart. McDonald’s Research and Development has published several tips for the income deprived:

• Soaking cardboard in sugar makes for a tasty but inexpensive treat, also high in fiber.

• Don’t have children, if you’re pregnant, abort. If you don’t wish to abort, move to a country where child labor is still legal, if your baby wants to eat it should be willing to earn every bite.

• Instead of stealing food from your workplace, steal it from the fast food restaurant next door, we don’t like them.

• Try getting a fourth a job. We know attempting to get overtime hours at one of our stores is like trying to get a free McNugget so you probably shouldn’t even try. 

• Get married to someone who is rich or at least attempt to marry a manager at one of our stores. Please note that if you marry someone who manages one of our stores that you will not qualify for free meals, ever.

• Give up that crack habit; use your prostitution money to buy one of our delicious salads!

• Instead of buying Christmas gifts, buy your loved ones a McDonald’s gift certificate.

• Work at Walmart on Thanksgiving, they give you a free turkey. If you should decide to work more than just one job on this holiday, we do offer our employees a free fry and a sip of one of our Coke products. Consider saving this fry for when you really get hungry.

• Never take a day off, that’s a day of wasted pay and what did a vacation day ever get you?

• Rent is expensive, contemplate living full-time at a homeless shelter, this will even make your crack habit more manageable.

• Save on shampoo by not ever buying any; the grease dripping from your hair equals less store money spent on oil for our fryers.

• Don’t get fired.

• Consider anorexia, our food isn’t that healthy anyway and bulimia is just a waste of money unless it was spent at our stores.

• If one of our customers dies at the store, employees are encouraged to divide up the body and take some home. If the store should ever decide to include liver and onions as a selection on the menu, the liver of any deceased customer becomes McDonald’s property and if stolen will result in termination of employment.

McDonald’s recommends sticking it out for the long run. Remember, most store employees are much more likely to get promoted to a corporate position the more of their lives they are willing sacrifice to the company. Sleep with your boss or offer to work for free. Your chances increase drastically if you are hot and blonde, (gender doesn’t matter anymore), willing to take a little office humor, (sexual harassment), able to demonstrate the ability to read, happy to share any illegal drugs with your supervisor, (cocaine preferred), content with secretarial work, and able to demonstrate that you can and will do anything to increase corporate profits. Openings are also available to skilled individuals who can convincingly lie to the public about the health benefits of eating daily at their local McDonald’s.

Always remember, McDonald’s values the employees who blindly dedicate their lives to the company. And if you happen to be one of the three workers in the world who can comfortably live on the company’s wages, don’t let them know, McDonald’s is always willing to cut either hours or wages.

Update:
After it was revealed that McDonald’s encourages employees to divide and take home portions of dead employees, a corporate spokesman asked all media outlets to emphasize that they were not encouraging cannibalism.

“Are goal is not to tempt our employees into eating dead customers, it just happens to be an easier way to get rid of the bodies. We hope and expect that our workers are only taking home body parts to show and amaze their friends. We cannot be held responsible for any employee that decides to eat these body parts and develops coronary heat failure as a result.”

Their website still lists dead customers as having 80 grams of fat per serving.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

God Makes a Rare Appearance

God Doesn’t Like Onions, Most News Outlets Speechless but Satire Sanity Has the Scoop

The Almighty Creator landed in Times Square this afternoon causing shock and panic amongst thousands. A rare appearance from God was certainly not on anyone’s schedule for today, but not many people thought it wise to point this out to Him.

After spending a few hours shopping, sporting a brand new white robe, God the Father was seen entering a local diner for a bite to eat. Everything seemed peaceful until shortly after God received his meal. A pillar of fire materialized in the sky over the diner, striking the table at which He was sitting.

“I saw the whole thing!” one eyewitness was recorded saying. “The waitress served him a burger. He took one bite and that’s when it happened.”

Several onlookers reported the pillar of fire burning the table and burger to ash. The manager of the diner reportedly offered God a refund but He refused politely before reminding the woman to tithe next Sunday. Exiting the building, our camera crew arrived just in time to see the Lord walk swiftly to a nearby hot dog stand for a beef frank. Our news crew finally managed to put on enough sunglasses to look directly at Him.

“Um… God… I was wondering if you could comment about the pillar of fire seen just a few moments ago.”

Casually wiping ketchup off of His new white robes God approached the microphone.

“I knew I should have never created onions, such nasty things. Who knew such a nice waitress could get my order wrong.”

The waitress was later fired after God sent a complaint to the diner’s owner.

Evidently God Almighty doesn’t eat his onions. Woe to those who feed onions to the Lord Thy God.

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Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.