Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.





Rachel Maddow, who served as Headmistress for the school for a short period, was seen sending off a letter via a bald eagle confirming her acceptance of the requested duel.

Michele Bachmann was quick to attack Rachel after learning of her former role as headmistress of the school, calling on state legislatures to ban homosexuals and lesbians from serving as professors or headmasters in any school dedicated to teaching magic. Sarah Palin joined in the fight by urging parents to homeschool their magical children to protect them from learning evil, homosexual spells and instead recommended teaching wholesome, good, Christian magic instead, such as “hominus conversio” which functions as a forced religious conversion spell.

Current Headmaster

The current Headmaster, Ian McKellan, famously known for acting the part of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings and for most recently being granted U.S citizenship, was more than happy to comment on the upcoming duel. The director of Lord of the Rings was reportedly no longer confused as to how or why Ian had demanded and somehow managed to perform his own special effects during the production of the trilogy. Headmaster McKellan expressed his pride in Maddow’s ability as a talented witch and suggested that Rand would be a suitable challenger.

“It is an even match between those two. They both own exceptional wands; Rachel’s wand may have the upper hand but Rand’s superior reflexes are just as imposing.

To those not familiar with wands and things of magic, wizards call us muggles; all wands are made with special cores. In Great Britain, where most witches and wizards conform to magical norms, a wand may contain anything from unicorn hair to the rare tail feather of a phoenix. However, in America, the wands often contain the oddest cores of all.

Headmaster Ian or headmaster Gandalf as we call him here at our offices was proud to reveal the cores of both Rachel and Rand’s wand alike.

“Rachel’s wand has a magnificent core. It contains a single fiber of the United States Constitution and loose thread from a suit worn by Martin Luther King Junior himself.”

“Rand Paul’s wand is much more complex. The core of his wand contains several hairs. A hair from the head of Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Rupert Murdoch, and Fred Phelps combine together to give his wand a very conservative, radical, and extremist touch. These hairs are masterfully entwined and carefully soaked in the blood of thousands of American people who had once received food stamps or social security benefits.”

Coverage of the duel is currently scheduled to take place on the stage of Justin Bieber’s next live performance, whether that performance is singing or a testing of his ability to perform as a human shield. Will he be the next “Boy Who Lived?” Be sure to watch the duel live to find out.

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In other news, Nicolas Cage, famous for starring in the film, National Treasure has been arrested by the FBI under the suspicion of stealing a fiber of the Constitution.

Fan’s of the Harry Potter series are once again rocked by grief after learning that Dumbledore was in fact real and that he was still in reality, quite dead. This comes after the startling news that the Harry Potter films were not movie productions but actual footage from inside the wizardry world in Great Britain.