Rock, Paper, Scissors Changed Forever?

The Las Vegas Gaming Board recently agreed to review the longstanding rules of the well-known game, "Rock, Paper, Scissors", after it began receiving complaints about the overpowering effect of "paper."

One complaint was most descriptive in its arguement.

"What kind of "rock" gets upset and depressed when someone puts a piece of paper on top of it? "Paper"really needs to understand that this is the new millennium and it's popularity is down."

Most vocal amongst the dissenters was the Rock industry. Every single rock artist, including some of the dead ones disagreed with the amount of power "paper" had in the famous game. Many of the artists even went so far as to say that "rock" made "paper" it's personal bitch.

"When I write my new music, I put it on paper. That paper is forced to carry such amazing lyrics and notes. Paper is only as important as the words written on it."

Many scientists took to examining the reported power of "paper." On live TV for example, "paper" seemed to lose even more of it's fabled power when drenched in water. In one instance, it was discovered that when soaked in gasoline, the "powerful" "paper" was much more likely to start on fire then it was to dominate "rock" in any way. "Paper", in all cases, repeatedly was shown to have absolutely zero effect on "rock."

At the end of the examination the Gaming Commission was forced to announce that "paper" was the losing party.

The following statement was made available to the media outlets.

"After several hours of consideration, this board has no choice but to conclude that "paper" cannot rationally beat "rock" in any game. It is unknown, as we do not have the means to test it ourselves, but "paper" may be able to be beat "rock" if it were to be crumpled into a ball and launched at a high enough speed. The effort required to do this is unlikely to be utilized by any pansy trying to use "paper" so it really does not warrant our attention.

We made our decision by trial and error. We tried using "paper" in many different ways but still found no reason why paper should ever be able to compete with the power of "rock.""

DISCLAIMER: "Paper" is still very able to cause nasty paper-cuts. Please use caution when handling!

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In related news, Las Vegas Gaming Commission announced that the size of the "rock" used in the popular game "Rock, Paper, Scissors" must to be mentioned by the player using it to determine if it could actually win against a player using "scissors."

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2103

Landlord Informs Tenant Freezing Apartment More Positive Than Appears

After a tenant reported failing heat at his apartment, the landlord reminded the renter that things were much better than once thought.

"The tenant is very lucky to have a freezing home. Not only does the occupant's home serve as large capacity freezer but it also stops his toilet from leaking."

Investigation to the landlord's claims proved factual. The tenants toilet had been leaking from the base for over a year, but instead of pooling on the floor, the water began to freeze. This new formation of ice acts as a seal, preventing more water from spreading across the tiles.

The tenant has taken advantage of the sub-zero temperatures and began purchasing large amount of meat products.

"Before the temperature in my unit plummeted I was unable to store anymore food in my freezer. Now that my entire place functions as a freezer I can store much more meat and frozen foods."

The well blessed man was seen butchering and then storing large amounts of venison in his bedroom closet. The living room is now used to store large quantities of pistachio ice cream.

"Over here we have our frozen vegetable section, the area behind my sofa serves well for this purpose."

The occupant also was overjoyed that making ice cubes for his beverages was much easier than before.

"If I need ice I need only turn on my faucet, the water freezes as soon as it hits the ice cube tray. Who needs to wait hours for perfectly formed cubes."

The tenant has begun subleasing portions of his bathroom to his neighbors for storage of their own recently purchased portion of frozen products.

"This man is very generous. For only 50 dollars a month I can store as much frozen sardines as my heart desires."

Other nearby residents have purchased portions of the occupant's floor space, storing many things, one resident even reportedly storing the body parts of several murder victims for future consumption.

With much space remaining, the newly rich tenant sees a bright financial future on the horizon.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.