After local law enforcement raided the home of a Chicago resident, shocking evidence of what can only be described as a long history of compulsive, unpolluted breathing was uncovered. Among the evidence gathered were some thirty tanks of oxygen, three air purifiers, a humidifier and a most disturbing modification of his central air and heating unit, air filters. The suspect, a long time resident to the neighborhood transformed the otherwise breath-taking vista of pollution and carbon monoxide into an eyesore for the otherwise upstanding asthmatics of the area. Many of the neighbors expressed horror and sometimes hatred while protesting outside the suspect’s home. The occasional sign with words like “God Hates Free Breathers” and “Oxygen Is Sinful” were freely flaunted and unchallenged by most. One of the residents when asked about one of the signs responded by lovingly blowing smoke in the face of a reporter and offering out a free carton of cigarettes, though they most disappointingly turned out to be Pyramids.“The day my children are exposed to the horrors of the devil and those who fall to the temptation of an easy and effortless breath is the day God sends this country straight to hell.”
Later in the day the suspect was returned to his home after posting bail at the local jail. The police were present to escort him to the door, all the while ensuring that he obeyed the law and did not search for any patch of clear, unpolluted air on the way indoors. Shortly after his return to his home members of the local coal plant workers arrived on the scene to sponsor an anti-pollution safety course. Attendees were encouraged to rid themselves of their inhalers in an attempt to teach a lesson to all compulsive, clean air breathers across the nation.
“Compulsive breathing not only harms to the individual by depriving one of essential harmful chemicals, it harms the community and corrupts the minds of our growing children.”
After protesters began pelting the home of the accused with Advair and asthma rescue inhalers of all sizes, the cast and crew of the television show ‘Intervention’ arrived and proceeded up the driveway. After repeated attempts to be permitted into the home the producers, along with family who had just arrived, proceeded in breaking down the garage door to gain access to the home interior. After what seemed to be only minutes inside, the Chicago resident was led out the front door while being administered emergency carbon monoxide supplements from his mother in the form of three lit Marlboro cigarettes. As he was being led away, what can only be described as a heartwarming sound was heard as the recovering addict began to wheeze and cough loudly. The tension in the area dissipated suddenly and was replaced by loud cheering and applause from the now forgiving neighborhood.
After three days in a local treatment center, the now since pardoned addict was declared to be in remission. His father was only too happy to give comment.
“With pride I can say, as a fact, that my son now contributes a very patriotic amount of pollution to the general area. The treatment staff has increased his smoking intake from two packs of Marlboro's a day to a happy medium of three-and-a-half.”
In the interest of public safety, the World Health Organization will be sponsoring a local event aiming at making cigarettes freely available to children. They ask that local residents donate cartons of cigarettes to the local churches and schools to allow children of poverty the same access as those more well off. Pyramids and Parliament cigarette brands will not be accepted.
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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013
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