After local law enforcement raided the home of a Chicago resident, shocking evidence of what can only be described as a long history of compulsive, unpolluted breathing was uncovered. Among the evidence gathered were some thirty tanks of oxygen, three air purifiers, a humidifier and a most disturbing modification of his central air and heating unit, air filters. The suspect, a long time resident to the neighborhood transformed the otherwise breath-taking vista of pollution and carbon monoxide into an eyesore for the otherwise upstanding asthmatics of the area. Many of the neighbors expressed horror and sometimes hatred while protesting outside the suspect’s home. The occasional sign with words like “God Hates Free Breathers” and “Oxygen Is Sinful” were freely flaunted and unchallenged by most. One of the residents when asked about one of the signs responded by lovingly blowing smoke in the face of a reporter and offering out a free carton of cigarettes, though they most disappointingly turned out to be Pyramids.“The day my children are exposed to the horrors of the devil and those who fall to the temptation of an easy and effortless breath is the day God sends this country straight to hell.”
Later in the day the suspect was returned to his home after posting bail at the local jail. The police were present to escort him to the door, all the while ensuring that he obeyed the law and did not search for any patch of clear, unpolluted air on the way indoors. Shortly after his return to his home members of the local coal plant workers arrived on the scene to sponsor an anti-pollution safety course. Attendees were encouraged to rid themselves of their inhalers in an attempt to teach a lesson to all compulsive, clean air breathers across the nation.
