New Mexico Man Improperly Anal Probed By Local Law Enforcement

Name of anal probe victim changed to prevent further embarrassment.

A New Mexico man has filed a federal lawsuit claiming local police subjected him to 180 improperly administered anal probes as well as 14 unsanitary enemas and 2 off brand applications of anal douche products.

Delwin Eckerton states that his horrible nightmare, which he admits was not really an actual nightmare, began on December 21st, 2012. Police pulled him over while reportedly witnessed attempting to perform wheelies in what authorities described as “clearly impossible for a white van to pull off.”

His attorney, a shady looking man looking man with a fedora, said police officers requested Delwin to exit the vehicle after ramming his van into a metal post. The officer on the scene reportedly witnessed the driver fart very obnoxiously as little white pills began exiting, at rapid speed from his anal cavity. The policeman noted that this would have been less noticeable had the driver not been wearing assless chaps.

Eckerton was taken to the local hospital where doctors on the scene refused to anally probe the man after declaring the offending butt to be a dangerous projectile weapon.

The attorney said his client was taken to another facility where doctors performed nearly two hundred anal probes before realizing that they had absolutely no idea what they doing. In some instances, the anal probes were inserted sideways, upside down, in the victim’s mouth and ears as well as the occasional probes mysteriously disappearing in the man’s colon. 14 enemas were also performed on Eckerton but in each case, hospital staff accidentally used enema kits that had already been used on other patients. The lawsuit also claims that the following the enemas, two anal douche kits were administered on him that were clearly not his preferred brand and that hospital staff had failed to purchase the requested products from 1-800-DOUCHEKITS.

“That’s not my brand!” Eckerton was heard screaming on one occasion.

The lawsuit also claims that proper anal probe procedure was ignored. After aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, the Food and Drug Administration at the request of the aliens provided proper medical instructions for the use of these sensitive probing instruments.

Both local law enforcement and the aliens declined to comment.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013