New Mexico Man Improperly Anal Probed By Local Law Enforcement

Name of anal probe victim changed to prevent further embarrassment.

A New Mexico man has filed a federal lawsuit claiming local police subjected him to 180 improperly administered anal probes as well as 14 unsanitary enemas and 2 off brand applications of anal douche products.

Delwin Eckerton states that his horrible nightmare, which he admits was not really an actual nightmare, began on December 21st, 2012. Police pulled him over while reportedly witnessed attempting to perform wheelies in what authorities described as “clearly impossible for a white van to pull off.”

His attorney, a shady looking man looking man with a fedora, said police officers requested Delwin to exit the vehicle after ramming his van into a metal post. The officer on the scene reportedly witnessed the driver fart very obnoxiously as little white pills began exiting, at rapid speed from his anal cavity. The policeman noted that this would have been less noticeable had the driver not been wearing assless chaps.

Eckerton was taken to the local hospital where doctors on the scene refused to anally probe the man after declaring the offending butt to be a dangerous projectile weapon.

The attorney said his client was taken to another facility where doctors performed nearly two hundred anal probes before realizing that they had absolutely no idea what they doing. In some instances, the anal probes were inserted sideways, upside down, in the victim’s mouth and ears as well as the occasional probes mysteriously disappearing in the man’s colon. 14 enemas were also performed on Eckerton but in each case, hospital staff accidentally used enema kits that had already been used on other patients. The lawsuit also claims that the following the enemas, two anal douche kits were administered on him that were clearly not his preferred brand and that hospital staff had failed to purchase the requested products from 1-800-DOUCHEKITS.

“That’s not my brand!” Eckerton was heard screaming on one occasion.

The lawsuit also claims that proper anal probe procedure was ignored. After aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, the Food and Drug Administration at the request of the aliens provided proper medical instructions for the use of these sensitive probing instruments.

Both local law enforcement and the aliens declined to comment.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Limbless Woman Rolls Six Blocks to Nearest Bus Stop

Traffic stopped downtown today as onlookers watched an 22 year old limbless woman roll down the sidewalk.

When the police and fire rescue workers arrived on the scene they struggled to stop the woman. A police scanner was used to clock the woman's rate of rolling speed, estimating her to be rolling at an amazing speed of just over 65 miles per hour.

"The woman lost control of her speed when a strong north wind began to affect her roll."

The fire and rescue crew were forced to break a world record for building a temporary dam, in under 30 seconds they had erected a 5 foot tall wall of sandbags. The woman was stopped dead in her tracks, literally.

"We were able to stop her roll and resuscitate her. However, due to her impact on our world record breaking wall, her brain was ejected from her skull forcing us to duct tape it to the back of her neck."

After the police determined that she had not been fleeing arrest, the lady in question was asked what she was doing rolling down the street.

"I just had an appointment with my orthopedic doctor. A few years ago, I badly sprained the right stub of what used to be my leg. It never healed quite properly so I was forced to see the doctor."

The woman later stated that she was trying to get to the bus station 6 blocks south from the clinic.

The doctor, who had arrived on the scene after seeing the incident on the NASCAR channel affirmed what his patient had said.

"It was a horrible sprain! She was rolling down her stairs one day when she lost her footing, I mean nubbing. I was planning surgery to repair the damage."

The woman, who refused to give her name (she feared that her friends would recognize her on TV otherwise), the woman asked to be allowed a statement pointed at the bus administration.

"The bus people obviously think that the bus should stop at the local McDonalds instead in front of the clinic Who would ever need a ride from the orthopedic clinic (the bone doctor) that helps people who have pain getting around? I guess if you have your stomach full of fries you can't walk around very much, but a man with a broken leg should be able to walk just fine!

The policeman appeared extremely offended by the comment and later issued her a ticket for going ten miles over the speed limit.

"Discriminating against people who eat at McDonalds is wrong! What would she have me do instead? Eat something healthy or something? She is lucky I didn't arrest her for inciting violence towards fat people."

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In other news, the local bus depot unveiled a new bus, the back-end of which is shaped like a bowling lane. The bus administration claims this will help people who have no limbs gain access to the bus.

"They roll on in, like a bowling ball, and when they get off we squeeze them throw a little hole and let them bounce on the ground before a nice warm fan removes the moisture from the stumps of their once healthy hands!"

Man Accused Of Reverse-Shoplifting

Yesterday, at the local JC Pennys, a man was taken into custody for allegedly "reverse-shoplifting". According to the police report, a store associate called the deputies to the store after she witnessed a man opening his backpack and placing what appeared to be his own clothing on the racks.

"He had put tags on the clothing as if it belonged to us."

After the man was taken in to custody he was interviewed by police about what had occurred at the store.

"I was only trying to help JC Pennys out a bit. I mean, have you seen their clothing selections? Horrible! I figured they could use some good looking fashionable clothing on their racks for a change."

The police later revealed to us that this man had a long list of reverse-shoplifting charges.

"Just last week, I responded to a police call from a hair salon. The hair salon that was affected refuses to carry Bed Head products. The defendant went to a nearby hair salon and bought their entire stock of Bed Head including the stand it came on."

According to the hair salon affected by this bout of "reverse-shoplifting", the defendant then stealthily placed the stand and the Bed Head hair products in their shop.

"We were appalled that someone would attack our business in such a disrespectful way!"

After the defendant was release from jail on the JC Pennys case, he was spotted at a local diner taking tips off of one table and placing them on a table somewhere else in the place.

"Since there is technically no law that bans such practices, we have no choice but the release this horrible criminal after a seventy-two hour period."

A manager at the local thrift store, unlike the shops in question, sided with the criminal on this subject.

"We are strong supporters of 'reverse-shoplifting'. If only he would do that here. We are in dire need of fashionable clothing, and we hardly ever get unopened bottles of Bed Head. Quit harassing such an innocent man."