Scientists Discover New Way to Enjoy Television

Years of Research Finally Pay Off

Scientists at CERN have finally found the answer to an issue that has plagued television users for decades. After almost 30 years of research and the tireless work of the brightest minds, mankind has discovered how to make T.V. more entertaining than anyone had imagined.

Many of the researchers involved had already utilized this skill in their own living room, while sitting on a couch, eating enough food to feed an elephant. After several hours and several angry phone calls from the appropriate supervisor, one of the scientist was coaxed out of his home with what had once been extinct, a lovely golden Twinkie.

“After calculating the average weight of the avid television watcher and multiplying that by the amount of beer, on average consumed in a year’s time, we finally had a lead. For year’s people who sent us letters asking for our help touched our hearts and drove us onward. Many of these letters had spilled tears and loose cookie crumbs contained lovingly for our enjoyment.”

God Makes a Rare Appearance

God Doesn’t Like Onions, Most News Outlets Speechless but Satire Sanity Has the Scoop

The Almighty Creator landed in Times Square this afternoon causing shock and panic amongst thousands. A rare appearance from God was certainly not on anyone’s schedule for today, but not many people thought it wise to point this out to Him.

After spending a few hours shopping, sporting a brand new white robe, God the Father was seen entering a local diner for a bite to eat. Everything seemed peaceful until shortly after God received his meal. A pillar of fire materialized in the sky over the diner, striking the table at which He was sitting.

“I saw the whole thing!” one eyewitness was recorded saying. “The waitress served him a burger. He took one bite and that’s when it happened.”

Several onlookers reported the pillar of fire burning the table and burger to ash. The manager of the diner reportedly offered God a refund but He refused politely before reminding the woman to tithe next Sunday. Exiting the building, our camera crew arrived just in time to see the Lord walk swiftly to a nearby hot dog stand for a beef frank. Our news crew finally managed to put on enough sunglasses to look directly at Him.

“Um… God… I was wondering if you could comment about the pillar of fire seen just a few moments ago.”

Casually wiping ketchup off of His new white robes God approached the microphone.

“I knew I should have never created onions, such nasty things. Who knew such a nice waitress could get my order wrong.”

The waitress was later fired after God sent a complaint to the diner’s owner.

Evidently God Almighty doesn’t eat his onions. Woe to those who feed onions to the Lord Thy God.

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Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Font Designer Fired After Smoking Pot

New Computer Font Accidentally Created

Microsoft recently fired one of their most prestigious font designers after alleged drug use began to interfere with his work. The former employee was in the process of designing several new fonts, many with specifically aimed purposes. Of his most anticipated designs, MS Deli, specifically crafted for Deli ads and MS DriHuumor, dedicated solely for late night satire based, comedy scripts.

Upper management of the font design department declined to comment but other employees were easily swayed to share what they knew. The designer was a talent man with a taste for gardening.

“He was always so giddy, talking about his plants, if he should make some of his new fonts overly bold or italicized. He was good at his job but his only mistake that I ever seen him commit was career ending.”

The creative pot-head had been working on a new font that was based off of one already in circulation.