God Makes a Rare Appearance

God Doesn’t Like Onions, Most News Outlets Speechless but Satire Sanity Has the Scoop

The Almighty Creator landed in Times Square this afternoon causing shock and panic amongst thousands. A rare appearance from God was certainly not on anyone’s schedule for today, but not many people thought it wise to point this out to Him.

After spending a few hours shopping, sporting a brand new white robe, God the Father was seen entering a local diner for a bite to eat. Everything seemed peaceful until shortly after God received his meal. A pillar of fire materialized in the sky over the diner, striking the table at which He was sitting.

“I saw the whole thing!” one eyewitness was recorded saying. “The waitress served him a burger. He took one bite and that’s when it happened.”

Several onlookers reported the pillar of fire burning the table and burger to ash. The manager of the diner reportedly offered God a refund but He refused politely before reminding the woman to tithe next Sunday. Exiting the building, our camera crew arrived just in time to see the Lord walk swiftly to a nearby hot dog stand for a beef frank. Our news crew finally managed to put on enough sunglasses to look directly at Him.

“Um… God… I was wondering if you could comment about the pillar of fire seen just a few moments ago.”

Casually wiping ketchup off of His new white robes God approached the microphone.

“I knew I should have never created onions, such nasty things. Who knew such a nice waitress could get my order wrong.”

The waitress was later fired after God sent a complaint to the diner’s owner.

Evidently God Almighty doesn’t eat his onions. Woe to those who feed onions to the Lord Thy God.

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Daniel Hines
Main Author for Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

The Pope Goes Into Hiding After Accusation

See our first look at this story.

Today at the Vatican, the Pope finally came to the conclusion that Jesus Christ was indeed a witch. His judgement came after the Pope declared all miracles a source of evil.

"God does not condone any supernatural events. He must be really disappointed with his Son on this matter."

Jesus rebutted by mentioning that the Vatican had been found guilty of covering up sexual scandals for decades.

Vatican Declares Jesus Possible Witch

A report leaked from Vatican City last night reveals yet another example of the insanity rampant near the papal seat. The report covered the judgement passed down by the current Pope about the miracles reportedly performed by Jesus Christ could be tied to witchcraft. The report puts suspicion on the source of Christ's miracles. If the Pope decides that the miracles are indeed witchcraft, Jesus may find himself a wanted man by the Vatican. A statement by the Pope puts question on Christ's ability to fly, read minds, transmute water into wine, heal and raise the dead as potentially witchcraft based.

After repeating this to Christ in a prayer, Jesus shared a tidbit with me.

"How dare the Pope accuse me of witchcraft! I am a part of God, am I not allowed godly power?"

I sent a copy of Christ's words to the media adviser for the Pope but no response has yet to be received.

Please stay tuned for updates.

Daniel Hines
Reporter for SatireSanity Inc.