Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

China's Leader Upset About Rebellion

Today an important story was shared with us from our Chinese correspondent, whose name must be protected but probably won't be. Reports show that China's Paramount Leader, Hu Jintao, has issued an investigation into the rebellious actions of the United States.

"Frankly speaking, Hu Jintao is upset that the States have refused to comply with directives demanded of the nation."

The Pope Goes Into Hiding After Accusation

See our first look at this story.

Today at the Vatican, the Pope finally came to the conclusion that Jesus Christ was indeed a witch. His judgement came after the Pope declared all miracles a source of evil.

"God does not condone any supernatural events. He must be really disappointed with his Son on this matter."

Jesus rebutted by mentioning that the Vatican had been found guilty of covering up sexual scandals for decades.