China's Leader Upset About Rebellion

Today an important story was shared with us from our Chinese correspondent, whose name must be protected but probably won't be. Reports show that China's Paramount Leader, Hu Jintao, has issued an investigation into the rebellious actions of the United States.

"Frankly speaking, Hu Jintao is upset that the States have refused to comply with directives demanded of the nation."

Man still unsure zombies are real.

A man from Fargo, North Dakota is still unsure if zombies are real. After an intense discussion with the city council, he believes that the only way to be safe, one way or another, zombies being real or not, is to barricade the town and hold all visitors in quarantine.

Roz Bombie, head of the city council thinks the suggestion is ridiculous, pointing out that the "zombie" in question was alive during the attack.

The man who suggested the new law, Moe Ofereaxsalot claimed that even if it was a myth, it would protect us in the future when he claims the government will begin trying to reanimate corpses.

Obamacare Reportedly Covers Dead People

Yesterday, after wrapping up my interview with awesome, charitable Dick Cheney, I looked over the extensive recording of the interview. Being as it lasted about 5 hours recording Dick Cheney's humble self, I fell asleep within 30 seconds of his energetic talk. It appears that after Dick Cheney realized I was asleep, he began saying truthful things that the radical left would call propaganda.