Romney Weighs In On The Issues

During a debate hosted by our news corp last night, we had the chance to ask Romney and Obama several questions. Please keep in mind, that like all politicians, they often avoid answering certain points.

"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."

Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."

Paul Ryan Outed as a Gay Liberal.

Yesterday, during the Democratic National Convention, Paul Ryan was caught on his laptop searching gay porn. But that is not the worst of it. According to our informant, Paul Ryan also had been secretly sending fund money to Obama's campaign headquarters.

"I was there in the room when I caught Paul Ryan in the act. First, I saw him wiring money to the Democratic Federal Labor Party. Later that night after viewing many sites depicting male on male action, I saw Ryan posting anonymous comments praising both President Obama and Nancy Pelosi."

When Mitt Romney was informed of Ryan's actions his his face went blank. After awhile of staring off into space, a smile formed on Mitt's lips.

Mitt Romney Conveniently Forgets About the People of Tuvalu and Other Things

Last night at the the Republican convention, Mitt Romney somehow made it to the stage. After what seemed like hours of roundabout opinions that revealed nothing of his real stance, Romney started getting a gurgle in his intestinal region. This was the big nasty, something that would lose him the election if he did not make it to the bathroom. What would his boy-toy Paul Ryan think of him. Does his wife know about his obsession? Mitt Romney knew that he needed to wrap up the speech quickly, so he began to spew forth disinformation.

Mitt Romney Not Sure What Mormonism Is

Last Saturday, our chief correspondent, Daniel Hines, got a chance to speak with republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. After the candidate shared with us that he had no idea why he was running for president, Daniel asked Mitt about his proclaimed religion, Mormonism. The look on his face was one of confusion and terror.