Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.

Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."

The Real Reason Republicans Want to Deregulate Wall Street

This just in from our star correspondent, Daniel H. His report comes just after his interview with Karl Rove and cronies. According to Mr. Rove, the push to deregulate is just another election-winning venture.

"If we deregulate Wall Street before Obama's term is up, we just may go into another recession. That way, when Romney wins the White House, he can blame Obama for the financial struggles he will face."

When asked what his point was, Rove shared the following with us: